My husband and I differ completely on parenting...I am having extreme difficulty figuring out what I should be doing
My husband and I have been married for over three years and we have a two year old son together and he has a 13 year old son and 9 year daughter (their mother is deceased). The majority of the conflict in our marriage deals with my husband and my differences in parenting styles. He has a lot of guilt for not being there for his children due to work responsibilities and the deceased mother died when one was 2 and the other was 7. The seven yr old saw a lot of things that he shouldn't have (seeing his mom obtain narcotics, etc.) I have been married four times but did not think I would ever have children because I had difficulty trusting a man enough to have a child with...I think that is the most important committment when you have a child with someone. Anyway, I am former military and respect is the most important quality I seek in my relationships. I try to teach my children responsibility and that there are consequences for actions. I may be crazy but I need feedback on my tactics. Please keep in mind I was almost 36 when I had children introduced into my life.
Yesterday I had a disagreement with my husband about the kids. I am always telling my kids to put their play shoes where they dont get rained on, etc. so when it snowed the other day...the shoes were flung on the porch without any consideration to the weather. There was snow on the ground and the shoes were wet but the kids had to go outside in the snow to walk the dog and feed the other dogs. I made them put the shoes on instead of using ones already in the house. The point I was making was there are consequences for not taking care of your belongings. My husband got mad and said I was being hateful and didnt understand my reasoning at all and just argued in front of the kids that I was being hateful. I was very upset because I am the disciplinarian and always the "bad guy". When he argues in front of the kids it reaffirms to them that I am "crazy", "purposely mean", "illogical", etc. So when my husband told my step son to get another pair of shoes I made him go get his "new" shoes he got for Christmas instead of the older ones I had bought him for school. Well he cried and then his dad went on and on about how I was being unreasonable...I simply thought if I proved a point that if you dont take care of the play shoes then you have no choice but to wear your "prized" shoes that you choose to take better care of. Afterall, I am pretty sure shoes are made to wear outside and they have to walk down a mile long dirt road to school every morning so what is the difference????
I seriously need some advice because I am so sick of being the bad guy. My mother was killed in a car accident when I was 7 months pregnant with my son so I dont have anyone to get advice from. If I am illogical please tell me. thank you.
It happens all the time. We
It happens all the time. We have been in couples counseling because I was so tired of being the bad guy all the time. The therapist tells him that he is just allowing them to think I am the bad guy so he is always the good guy. He treats all the kids the same but our son together is only 2 so it is a little different because he is still learning what is expected of him. The bad thing is my husband thinks I will treat my little one different but that isn't the case. I am more about principle...it has nothing to do with biological vs. step child.
The therapist points out both
The therapist points out both of our flaws and tries to get us on the same page. It goes good for a few days and then something blows up. I am just so discouraged and feel so inadequate.
Rubber boots are a good
Rubber boots are a good idea...I honestly havent thought about it but would make sense on the few days it does rain or snow.
It's natural for a couple to
It's natural for a couple to have differences in parenting styles. They were both raised differently. The only way to resolve these issues are to agree that neither parent to belittle the other no matter if you agree or not on the discipline. The matter gets shelved until later when you both are alone. It shouldn't to be confrontational. The child should have had to do what you told him to do and then you guys could have discussed it later and reached an agreement for future consequences for THAT instance.
This happens in every family. It is just a little more volitle because it deals with stepchildren and your husband's guilt that they no longer have their biomom in their lives.
You will have many conversations about this over the years. Money and children are the biggest obstacles in marriages, especially 2nd marriages.
You need to sit your husband down and discuss a plan with him so that this doesn't happen again. Let him know he is undermining your authority with the children and causing them to distrust you which is very bad. Children need stability and you are the closest they're going to get to a mother figure.
I get so frustrated because
I get so frustrated because if I start forcing him to make all the decisions regarding my step kids then I am being unreasonable. If I make decisions I am being mean and if I just disconnect and retreat to my room then I am being mean. I feel like I can't win regardless of what I do or don't do. My husband is a great guy but this issue with the kids threatens our marriage and hope for a future. I am in couples therapy and personal therapy. I am often told my expectations of all people are too high and not every person functions even close to "my normal standards." I guess that may be true because I expect people to do their best at all times and strive to achieve success.
However, I am the one that watches them until he gets home from work after 7 every evening. I wash their clothes and cook and buy clothes and personal items etc
I have discussed this with
I have discussed this with him and we have talked about it in therapy. I feel exactly as you said he wants me to be a mom without being their mom. I am going to make it clear tonight that it is one or the other. If he just wants me to be "regina" that is fine but I need to know that. Thank you.
I didn't have alot growing up
I didn't have alot growing up and I joined the military and went to college to get a BS and MS degree so I know people can achieve if they have the desire. I guess I have a hard time understanding why people don't have the drive to do better. My expectations are no greater for my step kids then they are for my own son.
Here is the thing as the
Here is the thing as the stepmom, you can't win this situation. You will always be the bad guy. Accept that and it does get easier. Also, we do not discipline each others kids. We do have common rules that everyone must follow similar to your rule about the shoes. That was a hard thing for my SK's to handle taking their shoes off and leaving them neatly in the laundry room. I lost it a few times and that helped. Not a problem anymore. You just have to pick and choose your battles.
DH has to learn no playing them against you and you don't talk negatively about the other parent's rules. He has to back your play. If not, then there will always be problems.
When DH and I started to have
When DH and I started to have parenting differences, we've tried a couple different strategies, that are very helpful:
Firstly: NEVER, and I mean NEVER have a disagreement in front of your step-children. It puts you in a completely unfair corner, and paints you to be the wicked step-mom no matter what. If you have disagreements, so long as they aren't fatal, which yours aren't, save them for a conversation, and whoever spoke up first, is backed up first. That's the end of it.
(I know it's unrealistic to assume no arguments in front of the kids, but for now, while you're still figuring stuff out, it's probably the best idea.)
Secondly: Make time for those conversations. Incorporate reflective listening. It's extremely helpful in allowing the speaker to feel like they're being heard, and they are allowed to say what they want without fearing what the other is going to hit back with. The focus is on the words and feelings of your partner, not yourself (and vice versa).
Thirdly: I do find these forums to be extremely helpful. It's like having a whole support group of people who have been there, done that, and they always have some ideas that seem to work really well.
In my experience, when
In my experience, when parents say that the step's expectations are too high, it's usually from a lazy parent who wants their kid to like them as a friend (good guy).
Undermining either parent in front of bios or steps, should never happen.