My step daughter is a huge burden
<p>Me and my husband are due to have our first baby in July. We are over the moon and I just know he will be an amazing father. He never got the chance to be an amazing father to his SD5 because evil BM wouldn't let him. Fast forward 2 years of SD life when I come on the scene BM pushed and pushed for SD to be involved in our lives. This was a huge adjustment for my husband as he had no initial connection with his daughter and I can't blame him after all the crap his ex put him through. There was a period he gave up and didn't see his daughter for 8 months - eventually he made contact again, took BM to court in hope to have some consistency in his daughters life without BM controlling everything. He has court ordered EOW and off week one night for dinner. I know it doesn't seem much but I HATEEEE those weekends that child invaded my house. She is mini wife syndrome and makes me feel so uncomfortable. In fact they both make me feel so uncomfortable - watching my husband trying to force himself to love this child he can barely keep a 5 min conversation with her. He would happpily let her play in her room for hours on end in the one that has to remind him to feed her breakfast, lunch, ect!! Now we have a baby on the way my resentment towards her only grows stronger. The fact my baby will be related to her freaks me out - she's so much like her evil mother and her hygine is DISGUSTING! She's a product of her own environment and I know she's only 5 and it's not her fault but it's not my fault either!! I have tried so hard to fix these problems - her obesity, disgusting eating habits, hygine you name it I always failed so I simply give up. <br />we are also saving for our first home. Husband wants to work over time to earn more money for our savings and realises he can't do overtime on the times he has her on the weekend, which means he has to work every weekend he has off just me him and our baby. Which fucking infuriates me!!!! Meaning we won't ever get that family time on the weekend cause he has to be present during SD weekend, or I will have to look after her and my baby and I refuse to be a baby sitter. I made a comment to my husband saying it's just annoying how these court orders stop us from moving forward with our goals in our life. Omg. Should have kept my mouth shut. Mr Defensive told me that every child is a burden whether you have them 24/7 or not. UMMM? Completely different. I chose to get pregnant and have my baby, I didn't choose to be a part time baby sitter to yours!! I wish my husband would just see the bullshit. He tries so hard with his daughter and his daughter is just like her mother - vindictive and evil and is manipulating him like no tomorrow. I wish his daughter was old enough to stop coming over cause my husbands EGO is way too big to give up on her again. I honestly think he's doing the child more harm by pretending to love her. Seriously I have to prompt him to even shower her. He goes to give her donuts before she even has dinner or lunch I have to say "babe, do we eat desert before or after dinner?" He has no fucking idea and I'm over it. I hate her. </p>
You are with a guy that is a
You are with a guy that is a crap father. He was a disinterested father to his first child.. and has clearly told YOU that the child YOU are having was your choice.. so tough beans.
I know hindsight is 20/20 but based on his attitude and history with his first child.. I don't see things getting any better with your child. I think you need to plan your life with the distinct possibility that you will be a single mother to your child.. (even if you remain married.. he isn't going to be your partner in this).
This is not his child's fault.. and the way she is is a direct result of the way she was raised.. and is currently being raised by your SO and his ex also.
His 5 year old will be part of your life for as long as you remain married to him. His daughter is your child's sister. The only way things could be different is if you had not chosen to have a child with him... but you did and he is clearly planning on being no better father to your child than he was with his first.
First, you need to accept
First, you need to accept genuine advice for YOU is not necessarily going to include keeping your marriage intact. Nor will it mean we all agree with you. Nor will it mean that we won't think your DH is wrong.
Now, onto my advice. My DH was a teen dad. When OSS was less than 6 months old, DH went off to boot camp and school in another state. While he and BM were married, they spent very little time together - and he spent very little time as a father - those first two years. When YSS was born four years later, BM moved nearly immediately after and DH didn't spend any significant time with YSS until he was well over a year old. Since DH was military (and then poor), he didn't get much of a chance to be involved in those early years with his kids.
BUT, that didn't mean DH just left his kids to their own devices when he did finally get a visitation order. He played games with them, watched countless hours of Pokemon and Dora, shopped for all their clothes and necessities with both of them, made sure they ate (though FIL helped a lot on that front because he liked cooking). It certainly wasn't easy, but there was effort. When I came around, all of that continued.
Being a teen parent to a crazy ex is not an excuse to be a neglectful. He is the non-custodial parent. If he doesn't want to be a parent to her, he doesn't have to be. He simply pays more in CS and stops taking visitation. He has the right and ability to do so.
But, don't conflate him being a bad parent to being a teen parent. He's just a bad parent. Point blank. Sure, he's doing all this stuff with you now, but it's all the easy stuff. It's like buying a house. Looking at houses, scheduling the movers, saving the money, signing the papers, picking out the paint - that's the easy stuff. But actually packing your stuff up? Actually painting that room? Unpacking? That takes effort, and you can be very engaged and organized when buying a house but take a year to fully unpack and paint those rooms. Or, you never fully unpack or paint those rooms. You just get used to it.
So, what can you do? First, take the blinders off. Your DH is neglecting his daughter, and he either needs to grow as a parent or give up custody of his daughter. It's not fair to her that her dad isn't trying, and it really won't be when your child is born if he actually becomes an amazing parent.
This is where you have a lot of influence, and should have a lot of concern. You need to have an honest conversation with your DH and shut down any guilt that he tries to pile onto you:
"DH, I have concerns about the kind of parent you will be once our child is born based on how you parent SD. I did not sign up to be a single parent, and right now, I see myself being that in the future. If you have complicated emotions about SD, seek therapy. If you don't know how to be a better parent, do some research and find a therapist who can help you with parenting. The excuse of not being there before is not a good one. You're here now, and you can do better. You need to do better. Your daughter should not receive conditional love, but if that is all you can offer, then we need to discuss you no longer maintaining visitation with her. She won't deserve seeing you love her sibling and love me but not love her. If that thought hurts, then you need to change because this situation isn't sustainable."
That conditional love thing needs to be one that you watch out for, too. His excuse is that because he was young, not around, and SD is like the woman he chose to have a child with that he doesn't care about SD as much. That honestly could be true, but if it is, it means it can happen to your mutual child when your child doesn't do anything to deserve that treatment. There's not much you can do about it now other than watch for it and call it out.
You're going to have to have thick skin and a sturdy spine. You won't be able to allow his excuses to dictate his behavior. He CAN change, but it takes work. So far, it sounds like you've put more work into fixing the situation than he has just by coming here for advice. Just realize that you CANNOT fix this for or in him. He has to want a better relationship with SD or to give her up. He has to want to be a good parent to your mutual partner. If he isn't, your job won't be to fix that for him; it will be to protect your child FROM that behavior. That doesn't mean you leave and withhold your child from him, but it may mean that you're a single parent with your child in therapy to work through feelings of abandonment from their father.
You can't fix this, but you also don't have to tolerate it. The only person you can control is you, and if this relationship isn't working for you and doesn't change, then your only recourse is to leave or come to terms with the dysfunction.
I do agree with all of this.
I do agree with all of this.
I would have to add from my own perspective.. my ability to feel secure in my relationship with my partner would go way down if he really was able to "give up" his first child and deny her having two parents that love her. Sure BM may have made things difficult, but I imagine the manchild that he was (and he isn't too many years past that).. probably had his own contributions to the dysfunction and he likely didn't try all that hard to rectify things then. They were both kids.. they both made mistakes I'm sure.. but his daughter should have a parent that cares about her and for her. Right now, he is failing to do that.
So.. like you said.. his affection for OP's child could go by the wayside just as easily if THEY have problems in the future.. so being able to respect and be with a man that would turn his own child away? That isn't something I could easily do. And we are now talking about a situation where he DOES have access.. not situations we see here where a BM is actively preventing any contact and the kids are teens and wanting less contact.
Agreed. I could not respect a
Agreed. I could not respect a man who gave up a child who already knew him because he was too lazy/indifferent to parent her. Most men I know, of any age, feel some bond to their child once they've met and gotten to know them. I agree with LD too that being excited about a baby on the way doesn't translate to doing the thankless dirty work of parenting.
I am floored that the BM had
I am floored that the BM had to push to get him to be involved with his kid and someone else wants to have a baby with him thinking it will be ever so different because BM is just evil...
OP, your DH doesn't sound like any prize. Please protect yourself, never give up working or being able to handle you and your baby financially. I am sure the next one will hear about how evil you are too...
Your DH has absolutely ZERO
Your DH has absolutely ZERO excuse for not being involved with his child from Day 1. If he didn't want to be a father, he should have worn a condom to make sure his end of the birth control was taken care of. What does it say about your DH he willingly chose to sleep with a druggie, and not wrapping up his bizness? I don't care to hear excuses like "she was on birth control, but lied." "He was young, and stupid, and was drunk..."
It sounds like all parties involved are relatively young. OP, DH, BM, everyone. If your DH doesn't man-up and actually be a father to his daughter, you need to recognize his lack of character. If he will do it with one child, he will do it with another.
Maybe suggest that you both
Maybe suggest that you both take a parenting class. Tell him that it is so that you are both prepared to parent your daughter. But make sure you choose one that will cover things that will be useful for his relationship with his older daughter too. Maybe that will help him see where he is going wrong with his eldest kid?
Sorry to tell you
Men who treat there first child like dirt will not change, He pitting on an act because he just going to classes a hour a week. But when push comes. Like no sleep at night, You going out him taking care of baby. He going to be the same. Once the newness wears off in a week.
Thank you
Thank you for all of your responses. I can now see the wool has been pulled over my eyes and I'm in a really scary position. BM and DH here are no better than each other. For years I thought maybe DH just can't bond with his daughter and if he had her more it would be better but now I've come to realise he's just a lazy, incapable excuse of a father which really scares me for my baby's sake. I can't believe this. I really hate to admit but I think one day I'll end up being alone too. I'm going to try talk to him and tell him that his behaviour and neglect towards SD is not only uncomfortable to me but it will show when our daughter is born if he does treat them differently which I think he will. I think he treats SD like a visitor instead of his child because he can't stand BM but he's tied into this now. I would honestly rather he save himself and everyone the heart ache by cutting ties. He's always paid child support on time and what favours is he doing to the child at the moment? None. I'm such an idiot. I feel like a fool. I feel sick to have to realise this toxic behaviour was never the SD, ofcourse it wasn't - she's 5!!!!! A product of her own environment - her crazy mom and her lazy ass father. If I wasn't having my own baby I would probably still be stuck in glorified baby sitter mode with the child but now I've stepped back I've realised there's nothing I can do, you don't just give up on your child!!!! Argh. I have no idea where to go from here .... where do I move on next?
You had great advice
And I'm glad it's dawning on you
I'd just like to add that if you chose to stay with this man he best start making an effort pronto. As there is sibling rivalry, and then there is being totally unloved and neglected whilst watching your half sibling being loved and looked after.
Think about how that will go down and how sd will then react to and treat your child....