that is hard, I kinda understand your wife's position and yours. My BF of 5 yrs has a horrible son, and I mean a drop out smoker, drinker ( he is only 17) I do not want that boy living with me for obvious reasons and I am not sure what he told his BS about not living with me, and he has younger kids that I get along with and stay at my place from time to time but as for your wife, you might have to wait till after the baby, but in the meantime talk to your daughter let her know it is not her fault and that Stepmommy is having a hard time with being pregnant than you might want to seek counseling cuz I am sure your wife doesnt want to scar your daughter for life, but she needs to see her SD side too.
it is a tough position for all concerned but the one you should be most concerned is your daughter and how she sees this. Make sure she knows that you love her and that it is NOT her fault. Maybe even come up with a guideline for your wife and BD?? an agreement..I know she is only 8 but they are smarter than we think!!

Since this is your wives decision to not have your BD around and BD lives hurs away, is ther anywhere, a relatives that your wife can stay with for a day or two while you visit with BD?
As far as realizing you are spoiling her a little, I equate that with being in the drivers seat, when you are driving ,sharp turns and bumps do not seem as severe as they do to the passengers,
put yourself in your wives passeneger seat, stop spoiling , start being a dad who loves his insecure daughter enough to teach her rather then baby her and the problem may solve itself anyway.
You could end up with a daughter who is empowered and a wife who appreciates your BD, hopefully!

"We don't understand life anymore at 40 then at 20, but we know it and admit it" Jules Renard

Maybe you need to let your wife know that just because you love your daughter that it does not change how much you love her. Maybe your wife was not loved by her BD or SD whatever the case may be and she is jealous of your love for your BD?? your wife may feel needy and if you want to keep her you may have to give her special wifey time? or go a little more romantic with her during stressful times. Your wife married you and she knew you had a BD she needs to give a little too.

She may be really adament about not wanting her young daughter to be the same way. You really need to be more strict. Although I haven't 'banned' my SDs from the home, my husband has. They are adults now and worse than ever, but I came into the youngest SD's life at 8 years old. She was manipulative and spoiled by her dad, and now at 19, we are reaping what HE sowed. So, sit down your wife and tell her that she is right, and then BE MORE STRICT and ask her to let you prove it to her by having your daughter in your home with all of you. Then...PROVE IT:)

My mom just told me that sd is banned from their house, because she is always making up lies and bm has already threatened to call DCFS on us for emotional abuse...I understand what she is saying. I have 2 brothers and a dad that live there and 1 lie could ruin their lives if you know what I mean.
I would love to ban sd from my house, but I couldn't bring myself to do that. I don't think our marriage would ever be the same if I did.
I try to put myself in his situation and if a guy ever told me that my child wasn't allowed in the house, then I would leave him....if it was only for my kid being a brat.
I understand your wife though. My sd is 8 and whenever she comes over my 4 year old starts to act just like her...it takes a couple days for him to get back to normal. I have a 10 month old daughter and even my husband agrees that he would not want her to turn out like sd.
I offered to leave the weekends when sd was at my house, because she was making up lies about me and I didn't want the lies to get worse...he wouldn't go for that. Next time she is at our house we are going to sit down and talk and hopefully things get better. If it doesn't, then I will be leaving when she comes over or he can go see her where she lives. Good Luck!

It's petty and infantile for her to take her insecurities, jealousy and dislike of BM out on an innocent child. It always gripes me when people marry someone with children, then start wishing those children would magically cease to exist. It doesn't work that way. If you marry someone with children, then you do so knowing that those children will be in your home, in your life and a part of your family. Period. If she cannot accept your child, then SHE is the one who needs to leave. The child didn't choose you for her father or your wife for her stepmother, but your wife did choose you for her husband knowing that you already had a daughter.

You are your child's ONLY advocate in your family. That means that YOU are going to have to do whatever it takes to create acceptance and tolerance. I would sit your wife down and explain to her that your daughter is as much your child as the two children you've created with your wife and is deserving of equal status in the family. Offer to compromise with your wife on some of the things that upset her. Offer to attend counseling with her. Really listen to her and fix what you can to make it better... develop a formal behavior plan that applies equally to all children, limit contact with BM to just that which is necessary for your daughter, make sure your wife isn't responsible for your daughter during your visits. Listen to her concerns and try to meet as many of her needs as you can, but let her know she has to compromise, too. Tell her in no uncertain terms that loving you and being a family with you means accepting your daughter and not excluding her or treating her badly. Your wife doesn't have to love your daughter, but treating her badly is disrespectful to YOU and that's no way to conduct a marriage.

Your wife is being emotionally abusive to your daughter. Don't punish your daughter for it by excluding her from the family. The stepparent can't just decide unilaterally that your child is not allowed in the home. It's your home and your family, too. If your wife can't handle it, then she needs to be the one to leave during the visits. Maybe she can schedule the intense therapy she so desperately needs on your visitation days. I could not love someone who hated my child. And I could not marry someone who had children I could not accept. That is a recipe for disaster.

To answer your question, though, no. I have never and would never ban my stepchildren from my home. I am not the sole head of this family. My husband and I head this family together. The same amount of his DNA flows through my stepchildren as through my own children. The skids may not be MY children, but they are my husband's children. They are my children's half-siblings. They have a place in my family and I have stood by my husband for years fighting for his right to have access to his children and include them in our family. I love him, and so I love them, despite the horrible things their mother has done and said to me/us and despite the ways they themselves have acted out over the years.

I personally think your wife needs to grow up, stop being so selfish and get some help. And I also think that allowing her to exclude your daughter from your family will irreparably and possibly forever damage the relationship you have with your daughter. If you don't believe me, call up my father and ask him. His wife is a lot like your wife. She was very successful in cutting me and my sister out of our father's life. I have not seen nor spoken to my father in 22 years. He has grandchildren he has never met and never will. He will die alone. My stepdad is "my dad" and has been for years. He is my children's grandfather or "pap," as they call him.

Anyone who really loves you would never in a million years expect you to exclude your own child from your family.

♥ ANNE 8102 ♥

"I know why families were created with all their imperfections. They humanize you. They are made to make you forget yourself occasionally, so that the beautiful balance of life is not destroyed." ~ Anais Nin

until I at least get a sincere apology for her behavior. Though, she did threaten to kill me...... I agree with Anne, as usual.

If she were an adult and if she were evil I could see where SM is coming from. We are talking about a 8 year old and that is a big difference. Its time for you to man up and put your foot down. I cant think of any reason that an 8 year old should be banned from the house. Why are you giving this woman another baby when she is not capable of having feelings for the one that you alreay have?

You need to speak to wife tell her that she needs to accept you dd. Its sad you have to take her to a hotel to spend time with her. My step-mum would hate that even more and my dad would of had to do that behind her back.

I was always bad in my step-mum eyes. I was not an angel but I was picked on for everything. I was really shy but felt so intimated by her felt like I was being watch all the time. Terrible feeling I am glad now I am 25 and feel stronger in myself. I started standing up to my step-mum and things got quite heated. Which I think this problems need to be sorted out now because your dd gets angry aswell.

Did you both plan this baby. If yes do you think she secretly wants to push your dd out. I do get fed up with woman like this.

She don't want to be looking after her as her own kids. One thing you got to realise you can't expect her to love her like you do. She will never love her like she loves her own kids. She should accept her as apart of you.

I really ending up hating my step-mum because of what she did to me as a child. You really don't want to be caught in the middle of any arguments so you got to stand up to your wife.

Now we get on okay well I am just civil to her for my dads sake. We use to be close then she started her rubbish and now I thought well I can't be bothered. We are fine now just about.
When I was a child my dad saw she had the problem but because she started being nice think he switched and thought now it was me. He said I use to take what she said to heart. Always getting sly digs from her behind dads back so in his eyes she does not wrong now. She I just carry on being civil thats it. I think she has changed but still still the green eye monster.

Just talk to her and make her see how you feel. Hopefully things will get better. I mean it will awhile yet but mabye just start off with your dd coming over for the day even if it means you are in the hotel. She comes round to your house for abit.