thanks so much for the advice. I have to admit i'm even more confused than before!

we had initially considered getting married in the next few months since this limbo status is also quite bothersome...but I think I'm going to hold off on that for a while longer.
I have made it clear to my partner that I cannot handle being in the same town as his ex, and so far that has worked fine, since i actually live in a different state. Given how hard it is to find a job these days he's likely to find a job in a different state from where his son and ex live, and so he says he would have to cope with that separation regardless of whether I was in his life or not. He has spent the last 9 months in the same town as me and has made regular visits every month and half to see his son across the country.

I so desperately want things to work out between us because we have such a solid relationship, but I also feel that I will always be just waiting for his ex's next crazy mood. the good thing is my partner does not at all give in to her, and he has a very very formal relationship with her. they mostly communicate via email regarding technicalities of when to see their son and so on. Though of course phone calls are inevitable. Generally though neither shares details about their lives. for example my partner doesnt know exactly where his ex works or whether she is dating anyone unless she volunteers the information. Though I suppose this will change once his son is older and more likely to communicate information from one side to the other.

I think I will focus on myself for a while, and make sure i don't make plans revolving around him..until i figure things out. it's extremely difficult though when family members are involved and you belong to a traditional community that wants to be involved with every step of your life. one of the things that bothers me a lot is the worry that my parents have to go through. i try to keep them out of my problems, but in the long run its inevitable that they would find out.

a part of me thinks that no relationship is perfect, and its so hard to find someone that you have so much in common with and has so many excellent qualities. But i also worry that the problems will overwhelm the positives.

also, i've heard from some that when you have your own child, feelings of jealousy creep in and one's previously affectionate feelings towards the step child decrease.. is this really the case for everyone? my partner's son is such a bright and kind kid that I feel he would be a wonderful older brother, and i have no expectations of being like a mother to him, but more like an older friend. so far it's worked...but what if at 13 he's nothing like what he's like now, a polite, 8 yr old who's about 5 years above his class in intelligence and one of the best behaved kids in his school. what if the mother manipulates him into despising me?

ahhh man. life is complicated!

thanks for all the advice. i worry as well about the responsibilities of having his son with us full time. I think my partner has a much healthier relationship with his son that the BM does, and my partner would be much happier with his son living with him, but i have reservations about having full-time responsibilities for another child. My partner generally deals with issues as they arise, and i'm the kind of person who thinks things through very thoroughly and needs always to have a plan, which means he at times underestimates challenges,at least in my opinion.
everytime i want to discourage my partner from attempting to get full custody i feel guilty that I'm doing this for my own selfish reasons..i have on a few occasions told him that I will not be ready to be a full-time step mom within the next few years. but as the BM exhibits more and more unbearable behavior i lean more and more towards having full custody. the problem with the BM is that she is extremely controlling and moody. she tries to control the son like a robot, and though i suppose its better for a child to be disciplined rather than be loose, i really feel sorry for what he has to deal with at home. she regularly screams and yells at him, and punishes him for things that are simply not his fault. it breaks my heart to see him in tears and to see how my partner suffers.

I sometimes think that my partner should find a job close to where his son lives and marry someone, perhaps with a child of her who would be better at coping. but i also remember how miserable his life was when he lived close and saw his son a few times a week. the BM had a tense confrontation with him almost every time he picked up or dropped off his son. Now the interactions have drastically decreased and there is a bit more peace, but more pain of not being able to see his son as often.
my partner is adamant that this is the best decision for him, and says that he wants to be with me more than anything in the world..and i believe him..and i too want to be with him more than anything in the world...but am only praying I will feel the same when the problems increase and passionate love wears down.. .

also...there are so many negatives talked about in this forum. are there any POSITIVE experiences that step parents have had? anyone have any reasons for why they think they made the right choice DESPITE all the challenges?

most of you have recommended that I wait and not rush into marriage. I've known my partner for over two years now, and we've been discussing marriage seriously for over a year. I wanted to know what it is that you think I will gain by waiting longer. on the one hand I think if i commit to him then dealing with some of the problems will be easier, since much of the pain so far is psychological and comes from doubt. those days when i say to myself "you will be him no matter what" and "we will make it work" are the days i cope the best. we have rough and emotional moments but we get through them feeling closer to each other than before. those days when i entertain doubt i find that the psychological drama is too much to handle.
i think though that i will postpone marriage for a little while now and see what happens...

over the summer ss (i'm learning the acronyms!) stayed with us for 6 weeks, and it was at times overwhelming, mostly because ss was home with us all the time and the two of us were working everyday at home. we also had a lot of fun times. ss is very very disciplined and well behaved, and so we really had no behavioral problems with him. i honestly can't imagine a better child. he's very very polite, he super smart, will sit in a corner and read for 5 hours straight, and fortunately so far likes me.
i have been very upfront with my partner, telling him when i get overwhelmed, and when i need him to dedicate more time to me; and he is super receptive. he does everything he can to make me happy. and to be honest i'm not a selfish person, so i think he knows that i won't ever expect too much from him.
when his son was here i did most of the cooking, but the other chores were pretty evenly divided. i DID feel like i was often more concerned about what ss ate, and what he did, and how much fun he was having, and how much he was behind the computer and so on...(are women just more nurturing than men??)but again he is an extremely well behaved kid, so we never had a problem. but would i have preferred to have those 6 weeks be childless, absolutely!

on the other hand, when i think of the moments ss would lean against me while he read a book, or how he would giggle endlessly when we wrestled, it really fills me with joy. It was one heck of a responsibility, but at times very fulfilling. BM actually thanked me and my partner after those 6 weeks since ss apparently really had a good time...but she is extremely moody (or so it seems to someone like me who only gets little glimpses of her behavior every now and then) and i can see that she probably won't always be as appreciative.

at this point, i feel really attached to my partner, as well as to his son, and feel like i can't abandon them! if only i could find a single flaw in my partner to say he's not worth it!

but he is such a lovely human being, who does everything in his ability to listen to me and make me happy (of course conditions are simply such that he can't always do what is preferable for me). his parents also help the situation..they actually live out of the country and can't do much but offer to provide financial assistance occasionally, but they do provide a lot of emotional support. they're exceptional people in many respects, and always tell me they will do whatever they can to make me happy. they also always show plenty of appreciation for whatever i do for their grandchild. and i have to admit that helps a lot!

i just wish that i could be strong and not complain...but every time i support my partner through a rough time, it sucks all the energy out of me, and as soon as he recuperates, i have my down time and need someone to pull me up again..which is what my partner tries his best to do. but how sustainable is this? i wish i cld give him support without the subsequent emotional enervation! perhaps i'm expecting too much....

for now i am going to be optimistic but also postpone marriage plans, and see how things play out. it will hopefully also give me more time to talk to my partner about what my needs and expectations are and make sure he is willing to make the sacrifices necessary to get married to someone without a child. so wish me luck!