You are not failing! The hard part is that they didn't have a full-time father in their life, and one thing I've noticed is how much of a difference having a man in your life can be for your kids. Coming from a single mom of two boys who started dating a man (former law enforcement & Marine=STRICT), it was a HUGE change for my boys who FINALLY after a few years adapted. It was very difficult for me as a mom (I guess it's a mother thing)to discipline the boys as a single mom - not that I did not punish them or discipline them, but I was a little kinder, gentler, and tended to forgive more quickly. Not to mention in the interest of time and lack thereof being a single parent, I couldn't spend as much time dealing with issues as I should or could have, so I let things go. I guess my boys took advantage of that and were able to get away with a lot because I simply didn't have the energy to deal with all the issues. Don't worry about developing a close bond right away, it may never happen! My current SO has been with us for a few years, and Lord knows he tries so hard - he goes out of his way to help them when they need it and has the patience of a saint. And eventually the kids realized how much he did for them - that he wasn't the enemy or a bad guy. And they get along fine now - and my kids are much more respectful of him and of others. Really, the one thing I would say you need to work on is their mom undermining you. That will be the biggest hurdle. She needs to see what a positive effect you will have. I do want to add, though, that you still have the teenage years to look forward to with them...fun, fun, fun! Just be patient, you'll be just fine.

" Everytime I try to discipline him she undermines me and tells me that's not the right way to do it because that's not how she does it."

"Whenever I raise my voice, she gets mad at me. She won't let me spank him. All I can really do is ground them and even that she fights me on."

"but his mom fights me on everything. And then she forces me to bond with him"

Stop this. Stop getting involved in the discipline. Unless she is going to back you, all you are doing is spinning your wheels. You end up looking like the bad guy.

GF needs to realize that these kids have a dad and its not you. you are not there to compensate for any short comings that she or their father have. She cannot force you to bond with skids. Just not going to happen.

A lot of the articles out there are geared towards women and the stepmom role, but what they say applies to you. The book stepmonster is one that people on here really like a lot.

Do a search here for disengaging. Start doing it. You will save yourself a lot of frustration. It should help things with your GF.

You and she should have a good heart to heart about what she expects of you though. She cannot force a parental bond with them, they are not your kids. She needs a gentle dose of reality on this one.

Sorry the only person who can help you here is your GF. I hope you are able to get through to her for the sake of the kids for her sake for your sake and the sake of the relationship, because evertything hinges on her being able to be a partner to you and for both of you to show a united front to the kids.

Unless you can both come to some sort of agreement here on what behaviour will and will not be accepted from the kids, of what type of discipline both of you are comfortable with, and here she will need to be practical and not let past experience cloud her judgement. Sure she is always going to remember abuse especially of her children, but if she is ready to move on and trust again by moving in with you, then she also needs to move on in other ways. It is a little selfish to take you on as a live in partner then put up barriers that will stop the two of you having a close and loving relationship let alone any chance of a normal family life with these kids.

You live together, it is your home too and you are entitled to a say on what you will and will not accept in it. As you are living there as her partner (not a boarder) you are by default a huge part of the childrens lives, so both of you need to work that out. If she feels that she is the only parent in the house you are headed for trouble. If you think these kids are painful now, just wait until they are teenagers....NOT FUN.

I have read a few posts on this site where stepparents having the same issues as you are told by the biological parent that as they don't have kids they wouldn't know how to parent so back off. It leads to disaster and you will end up leaving, the kids will learn that they can control their mum and be completely disrespectful to adults and any relatioship she forms will be doomed because of them. It always makes me laugh though, obviously they forget that before they had their first child they were not a parent either, they had to learn once the child was here, and they like all of us parent based on how they were parented, they repeat the behaviours of their own parents that they thought were good, and they don't (hopefully) repeat the behaviours of their parents that they thought were bad. Either way it is based on their own parents parenting. You come together as parents both of you bring in your own parenting ideas and both of you work out common ground. No difference here. You have become a parent whether she likes it or not by the sheer fact the children are here, in your life and in your own home. If this is not what she intended then she needs to be on her own with her children until she is ready to accept a live in relationship means that her children have to respect her partner, as does she, and that she will have to find some common ground with her partner as to setting boundaries for her children.

Sorry, but as I said unless she is willing to do the right thing here for you and her children and accept that this live in relationship is not all about her, that you are a couple and need to share all things including the parenting you are in for a tough time. There is nothing you can do it is all up to her. They are her biological children, it was up to her to teach them that you are her SO and they need to respect that and you before she moved in with you, then the two of you needed to continue working on that and showing a united front right from day 1. It is not too late to do that now, but she needs to be willing to do that. Right now she herself is not showing you the respect you deserve either by allowing this to happen to you in your own home or anywhere for that matter.

By the way don't fall for the you are the adult you should know better, it's up to you to make the relationship with the kids and yourself work, just give them time, they'll come around routine. It is not up to you to force yourself on children that she herself is teaching to disrespect you by doing nothing about their rude behaviour. It is up to her to pull there heads in, she shouldn't have let them get so far out of line in the first place. It is just lazy parenting on her part. I am dreadfully, dreadfully sorry the children were living in a situation where they were abused, that is horrible, but it cannot be used as an excuse to justify bad behaviour, it cannot be used by your GF as a reason she now refuses to pull them into line, because that in itself is a form of abuse. Children need boundaries, they need parents, not friends who don't teach them right from wrong or how to get on in the world with other people.

If she continues to let them run riot all over you as I said by the time you are teenagers if you make it that long, you will be out of there. Talk to her.

She needs to parent her own kids.....disengage.

Echo is right, she cannot make you do anything, and if this has been going for a while you should have told her a long time ago, NO, I have tried to support you with the kids and everytime I do you undermine me and we finish up in an arguement, either you support me to, or do it yourself. Maybe you have been too soft on her due to the abuse that has gone on the past, then again, women can be manipulating pieces of work, I know, so maybe she has been playing the poor me I have been abused card don't yell at me or my kids, and taking advantage of you. Been done before.

Either way, why are you constantly bumping into the blue stool. They used it, they have been told countless times to put it away when they are finished using it, take the damn thing away for a week, or throw it out. That way you won't have to bump into it again, and the kids won't have to fight over who left it out, win, win situation there. I think all three of these guys are playing you quite frankly, and the kids know you have no authority whatsoever.

She is not in a million years going to change this arrangement,why should she, its all good for her, she is getting everything her own way, and you are allowing that to happen so either you step up and change it yourself by laying down your boundaries for yourself in that home, and setting up with her clear boundaries for her kids. If she wont' agree, well it is all down hill from here on in. These kids are not much more than babies now, can you imagine when they get to 12 and onto teens, then over indulged self entitled adults. IT WILL NOT GET BETTER IF NO ONE DOES ANYTHING ABOUT IT, AND SHE WILL NOT SO IT'S UP TO YOU TO MAKE YOUR DECISION ON WHAT YOU WILL OR WILL NOT TOLERATE. She cannot make you do anything, and you cannot stay there out of pity for her and the kids, nor should you pay the penalty for the past abuse of her and the kids. Sorry, but it really is up to you, just know, nothing will change in this situation unless you change it.

Beardedone, I too was in an abusive relationship. I finally got the courage to get me and my kids outta there. It takes a special person to take on a woman with kids, not having any yourself. That being said, I would never in a million years let my kids treat my Dh the way you are being treated! Its downright disgusting.
You need to sit your gf down, and tell her you love her but, if things can't or won't be changed, your gone. She needs counceling for her and her children, maybe all of you after her and the kiddies work out some of their issues. She can't live forever in her ex's shadow, worring every man is gonna abuse her and her children. Not all men hit! I've had to learn how to trust people all over again, it doesn't sound to me like she has.
If she loves you, she'll want to change. I've changed so much in the last two years, I often tell dh I don't recognize myself anymore. But, its all been for the better, and I love him more for it!
She needs to know she can trust you to discipline her kids without being abusive. There is a difference, a big one. And kids need bounderies, letting them walk all over you and her isn't doing them any favors.
I wish you luck! And thanks for being one of the good guys. The world needs more guys like you!