My question would be, why is the son allowed to dictate everything?

A heathy parent/child relationship involves clear communication and loving but firm parenting. The son doesn't get to decide who his father spends time with, and make things uncomfortable for you, his dad's partner.

We see this all too often on this board... little Princes and Princesses laying down the law and threatening to go and live with the other bio parent, because Dad or Mum has a new partner.

I'd call the son's bluff if I vwas your SO...let him go and live with his Mum.

Agree with Kaylee - you probably know that this is insane - the SKIDs & their mother trying to dictate your lives - the thing about your surgery is beyond bizarre.   I hope your man maintains very strong boundaries which you need with such people.  The trouble is what often happens is that the non custodial bio parent ends up bending themself out of shape in order to accommodate ridiculous demands because they don't want to lose the relationship. So what happens when your SS comes over and refuses to eat a meal with you?  Does your man eat with him and you eat elsewhere?  If so, him allowing this is completely unacceptable.   If your man isn't able to be assertive enough, you might want to put the wedding plans on hold - I would, in your situation.  I have dealt with this kind of thing myself, and it nearly caused us to break up at one point - but my DH has learned to have better boundaries.  

I agree with Kes. I am with a parent who fears his own children and let me tell you it only gets worse. SKs will use that power every chance they get.

You will end up bitter and angry because you have no control over the situation and children and BM are dictating your life 

His son needs to be told to sit down and shut up. This is terrible parenting. His son is not in your relationship or potential marriage. Your SO also needs to tell his ex that she has no control over his life. All communication should be regulated to the teens and only regarding scheduling, school or medical needs. 

The son doesn't have to like you, you don't have to like him. As a step family the only thing you are both required to do is treat eachother with kindness and mutual courtesy. Refusing to eat with you is rude and if he can't eat at the table with you and have some polite dinner conversation than he can go to his room hungry. -- It is called parenting. Your SO should really figure out how to do that if you plan on having a child with him. 

Also, when you are married your stepson will need to learn that your marriage does take priority. That is how marriages survive. Kids come into our lives and live with us for a brief time, then we are back to just the spouses. If you don't prioritize your marriage while raising the kids, you won't have a relationship when they are gone. 

So you're both giving a 16yo the power to run and control your lives.  Really?   And letting his X tell you what to do.

Pathetic. 

smh

If your SO doesn't set limits on BM and his son, they will be running his life forever. Please don't think this high conflict stuff ends when kids go to college. Keep reading these boards and you will find  people still having their stepkids try to dictate everything in their (the skid's) middle age years. Or BMs who still demand money and for the ex to "put the kids first" when the kids are in their 30s; or men who aren't allowed contact with their grandkids because they won't divorce the hated stepmother. 
 

Take charge here, and let your wonderful guy know that until he stops being afraid of his son and ex and sets some limits, you aren't even considering marriage. And move out, if you've moved in. 
 

I know you won't heed our advice now because you are in love and that's when lots of red flags go ignored. Visit us again in a couple years!

Also, if you think BM is bad now, wait until you adopt a child and she's no longer exclusively  "the mother of his children". That's when the real fun will begin. 

After a year together, he told the kids about me and introduced me

So, you were already in love with him by the time he introduced you to his kids and all of the dysfunction came out. A year is quite a long time to keep you a secret and not introduce you into the dynamic. Make no mistake, the kids were in charge from the get go.

Your BF is just as guilty as his ex, he is letting his son run the show. His fear of losing his son won't go away just because he goes to college. There will all kinds of events that your BF will be afraid of being left out of if he does not do what his kids want. Graduations, weddings, grandchildren, it will never end. If he can't put his foot down now, do you really think he will ever be able to?

Not good at all. You may think your guy is fantabulous BUT his world is toxic. It will always be toxic as long as toxic people remain in his life.

Do not misunderstand me I am not suggesting he disassociate with prince in charge SS. What I am saying is your fabulous guy will always be tied to his kids, so indirectly to BM. When the BM is high conflict game after game will be played, and Prince in charge SS will do the bitchy BM's bidding. These kids will have college graduations, weddings, kids. All of that will become a source of pain for you. 

I would take this dang slow. You probably will never have peace. Or if you do obtain peace it will take years of toxic drama to get there. By then your mental health, physical health may take a nose dive. Medications, alcohol may become your BFF. OR NOT. Just throwing out the high probabilities of step shit life.

All I am asking is , is this man worth it?

There may be men out there who are also fantastic that does not have toxic tied to him. You are childless. Lets say you do adopt. How do you think prince in charge charming will treat him?? Who knows SD may also hop on the hate SM bandwagon, think about it.

Just giving you food for thought.

Learning, I hope you do come back to read these messages. There are kind, maybe blunt, people here who have taken their time to give you a perspective that maybe you hadn't considered. No one was being unkind.

Here's where I had the strongest reaction: son has 2 more years before he heads out....and there is not looking like any chance we can get married before unless son has an about face....and my guy is afraid to push because son has already threatened to go live with mom and he doesn't want to miss out on last 2 years with son.....

His son IS dictating when you can get married, and it conflicts directly with the plans that you and your BF have for adopting a child. The son IS holding your BF hostage due to his threat of moving in with his Mom. (And so what if he does -- is she an unfit parent?) And your BF is allowing it, and he allows his son to be disrespectful to you in other ways as well. He should be embarrassed by his son's actions, not reinforce them.

So let's say you do wait two years. Something else will come up -- the daughter will get married, or pregnant, or the son wants to take a "pause" year, so your two years turns into three years, turns into four years, and pretty soon your own child is in kindergarten and you're still not married or living with your partner. That might be extreme, but it's not completely divorced from reality.

I promise you, getting the kids into college does NOT stop the drama. It never stops with HCBMs and manipulative offspring. In fact sometimes it heats up when the kids become adults.

I've not read the responses but sounds like a lot and you could stick out the next 2 years but what if the son decides to change his mind and not go to college.

I picked up on the fact that you bookedyour surgery when the son wasn't there so he could help. Why would an adult(ish) teen require so much attention that the dad can't help you after surgery and why wouldn't the son understand you've just had surgery and need help.

The BM also needs sorting out too, she can do one but, forgive me if I'm wrong it doesn't seem like the dad stands up to her and just tells her how it is.

The problem people think when they divorce is that the relationship is over but it never is, at least not until 18+ minimum, there is always $hit to deal with.

The dad needs to realise that although he has children, they are now adults and need to look after themselves. He can be there, he can be supportive but he has YOU and potentially another child to look after that will need him more, he's put in the time now and that's what raising kids is all about, creating functioning and independent adults. There is always drama, mine with the ex is slwoly going away but that's also because I am now after 10+ years deciding I am out.

The fact that the son doesn't eat with you would be a massive problem for me. If I was the dad I would tel my son to have a bit of respect and he doesn't get to treat anyone in such a disrespectful manner. As I've learned, it's alright to say you just don't like them and you just don't want them around. They are not your kids after all and it sounds like they will never appreciate you, so screw them.

There are plenty of fish in the sea and if you can't deal with all this crap, coz it aint going to go away, but hopefully get easier. Leave now and don't look back.

OP. Asked for advice, She paints a dysfunctional relationship.  SS and the EX having a major say in there life.  She gets true answers.  But doesn't like them. And complain about what people are telling her.???

I personally think she should ask SS and The EX for advices.  She may like there advice better ???  
How do you spell. BIG RED FLAG 

for the record we do not live together yet....these have been efforts to let the kids get to know me....not his kids running his house....just being understanding that this is hard for them as they have no control over the situation....

I realize original poster may have left the board but this statement right here is total bs. Her bf's DD is in college and his son is almost an adult. Wtf is hard about understanding relationships don't always work out and people move on? The parents broke up for a reason. Why not love your parents enough to want them to be happy, even if it's with someone else???? Original poster's soon to be SS sounds like he is a total piece of sh-t. 

he has been working with a respected family therapist....and I have been working with a therapist of my own.....and nobody on any side has come close to saying what has been said here....

So you and your bf are in therapy??? What about SS and BM???? Smh. You two have only been together 2 years, which should still be the honeymoon phase, yet are already in therapy???  Why didn't he fix these issues prior to getting involved with you??? Do you really want to spend your time and energy in therapy for an issue that really has nothing to do with you?? I know I sure as hell wouldn't be doing that. Perhaps you should tell your bf to go find his balls and tell his son if he can't respect him, you, and the relationship he can gtfoh with the bs. If that means going to live with BM, then bye-bye. What's so hard about that?

The OP painted s picture of gross dysfunction:

SS is rude,ignorant and completely disrespectful

Her BF is an weak, enabling parent who doesn't pull his son up for his bad behaviour 

The BF's ex wife, along with the son, is dictating the OP and her partners life and plans

And almost the worst thing she has revealed? That they are both in therapy with therapists who apparently think all this is perfectly fine, and that these ADULT children need umpteen years to "adjust" !!!

see you in 2 years

i agree with all the above. I would recommend in reading over your post again.  This forum is based on experiences of our lives and i wish i had all this advice years ago before i was dragged through the swamp of disfunction.   OP has blinkers on unfortunately ,, regardles of what step parenting forum she visits , she will get the same responses.