New to being a SM...
I am new to this sight, and I am looking for a place to get some insight on Step parenting as well as a place to just air my greiviesnces. I am looking forward to constuctive critiscism as I am not only new to being a SM but also know to having twin girls (10). A little Back ground. Twin (SD) are 10, and were taken from there Mother for saftey reasons almost 2 years ago now. There Mother died of drug relate illness just this January. I have been in the picuture for a little over a year. So things have been stressful to say the least. I hae 1 BS (3). His father is in the picture eveyother weekend. Although, it is never consistant.
I am looking to gain some insight into how to be a step parent and step up to the plate so these girls know how loved they truly are, without crossing that baoundry of "replacing" their Mom. their Father is 100% on baord with me being a "parent" in their life, allowing me to make rules, punish as I see fit, and be an active aprt in their life. he supports the decsions I make and trusts me to make decsions that are in the best intrest for his daughters when he is at work. I am struggling with what my boundaries should be.
Welcome, I hope that you find
Welcome, I hope that you find this a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful perspective from others who are living the blended family dream.
It is a positive that your SO is supportive of you being not only his equity life partner but also an equity parent to his daughters. As hopefully he is for your son.
You mention that he supports you parenting his daughters. A more important topic is, does he parent his daughters? Are htey held to behavioral standards by their dad? Does he discipline them appropriately or does he ignore their behavioral issues?
You also may have to deal with a dead BM who is cannonized by her daughters. It is not unusual for SKids with a deceased parent to put that parent on a pedistal that has little resemblance to reality. The facts are critical to countering SKid issues related to a deceased parent. You and their father need to keep them grounded in the facts if they turn their mother into some fantasy perfect mom.
As for boundaries, it is not your boundaries that are important, it is the boundaries and standards of kid behavior and performance that are important. Though not a position shared by all SParents, my position is that you are an equity parent to your Skids and there needs to be clear standards of behavior and performance that kids in the home are held to. In an age appropriate manner.
So, welcome and good luck.
Rags
My SO is HUGE on the rules. We acually just had an incident yesterday, were one of the twins was asked to change her clothing before leaveing by me and Dad was not home. She precceded to have many reasons why she wouldn;t change after 3 times of telling her she needed to change, she preceeded to cry, and use the your trying to take Mommy's place card. (this is how I made my way to this website). I explained to her that I was never going to replace there Mom, but that I was the adult in the house who is in charge when her Father is at work. I also sat her down and talked with her about how every time she doesn;t want to do someting or doesn't like my anwser to something she can't pull the your replacing Mommy card to make me feel bad. I also explained that I understand how it can FEEL like that, and that if she didn't want to talk with me, her sister or her Father about these feelings she should talk with her teacher or counselor at school. I did inform her Father right away of the transaction taken place (just in case the school calls so he isnt blind sided).
He had a conversation with her about how this was innappropate and that she needed to respect me as an adult in her life. She is grounded for the behavior.
He grew up in a military style house hold, folowing RULES is his number one value hands down. And he is a true beliver in consquences for your actions. He also, has made sure that they understand that their Mother did have drug issues. Although you are right they still hold her on a pedstal, and he has stopped talking them down off it since her death. Prior to her death he was up front and honest with them about why and what was happening with her ( within reason for 10 year olds).
And he does equally parent my child and it's wonderful to have the support from him with my son. My son fo far has known him sinc he was 2 and really doesn;t remeber life without him so the transistion has been easy for my son. We do struggle with the balance of my sons BIO father and his drastic diffrence in life style. But thats a WHLE nother topic!
Thanks for the advice!
Perfectly played by both you
Perfectly played by both you and DH. You are obviously a close team.
For sure dealing with the the SParenting world is much easier with a young Skid than with older kids. My DW and I met when SS-27 was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. His BioDad probably is his and our version of your XH.
All of the kids in your home are lucky to have both you and DH. The example of a strong adult relationship will be invaluable to all of the kids.
I hope that together you can help the SD's overcome the baggage they inherrited from their mother. As tragic as her demise is, her daughters now have a better shot at a life free of drug abusing disfunction in their lives.
My DW is a Skid raised by her mom and StepFather. Her BioDad was killed in a car wreck before my MIL confirmed she was pregnant. Even with a relationship with her BioDad's family, a family full of drug abuse, disfunction and a mind boggling proprensity for epicly stupid decisions my DW has an idealized fantasy regarding her BioDad. A man who died during a single car role over accident while stoned out of his gord on heroin. Even with those facts, and my DW being a brilliant, highly educated professional there is the fantasy daddy that shows up for her upon occassion. Even having been raised by a man who raised her as his own she will have the occassional "what if" moment about her BioDad. She and my FIL were far closer than he was with his three BKs (DW's three younger sibs (1/2)). We lost him 19mos ago. She struggles with grief for both of her dads. One she never knew and at some level has grieved over for nearly her entire life and the one who was completely devoted to her and all in as her dad.
I do tred lightly on the topic of her BioDad but I also keep his addiction and the addiction issues of his sibs, his father, and my wife's cousins in the picture so that my wife does not let her fantasy dad grow beyond the reality of his family.
My parents are thankfully thriving and are great people. I have not had the struggles of a deceased or tragically flawed parent. But I love someone who struggles with it regarding both of her dads.
Your journey with the SDs is likely going to be a long term challenge. Addressing fantasy can be far harder than dealing with reality.
Good luck.
THANKS!
Thanks, at the time it felt like a complete failing moment... but I look back now and I see that there are way worse ways this could have been handled.