Hi, this is my first post at this site, happy to have found you. I've been a step mother for over a year. (Details in my profile.)

Now that we're past the first year of marriage, some ongoing tension about step parenting. My husband is totally wonderful with my son, 14, of whom I have full custody. Our life is really happy and peaceful. It's when his kids come to visit, we get drama. We've done therapy with the younger one (15), and not with the older one (20, who lives in another state at college).

Some backstory -- my husband was married 22 years to a sociopath. No exaggeration. She is disordered. So I wonder how much of the kids issues are having a nutcase for a mother, are they part (or total) sociopath too? H's ex had a double life, hooking up with married men with kids, for their entire relationship. Slept with H's best friend. Had long term affairs. Hooked up with random men on the internet. Got addicted to video games and met latest affair partner there. My H had no idea. None. Zippo. He's a successful attorney and was busy building a practice. He never thought she could do such things. He wasn't happily married (she was also a lousy mother and housewife by the sounds of it), but he was committed. When he discovered the cheating (younger son uncovered it, got on his mom's computer), he immediately filed for divorce.

It wasn't just infidelity. She also defrauded her business partners. The woman is a con. So, this is the biomom I'm dealing with.

Biggest issue is youngest son. He's a lot like his mother, I'm sorry to say. Got in trouble with drugs last year, was busted, my husband got the charge reduced to community service. Son wasn't thankful, just entitled. Lots of acting out. H had 50/50 custody, but when we married, son announced the week I moved in that he wanted to live with mom and her married boyfriend. (Who left a wife and small children to be with her... more jerry springer...) Kind of a blessing, but very, very painful to my H. It's a party over there, no supervision, no rules, crap food, party zone.

When he was with us, if we tried to draw a boundary, he would text his mother and she'd be in our driveway 10 minutes later to "rescue" him.

The kid is verbally abusive, spoiled, and lies with a startling ease. He can also be very funny and charming.

Here's my deal -- I don't like him. I've tried to like him, but it's like Dr. Jeckyl, Mr. Hyde. I don't trust him. He's been awful to my husband, making living with mom all about my H (that he's difficult, hard ass, etc.) My husband has the drunk goggles of parent love. He enables. He doesn't enforce boundaries. He tries, but he underreacts, IMO, and thinks I "over react."

Case in point. Just this weekend we had him. He wanted two friends (strangers to us) to spend the night. H asked me. I said no. He compromised (and I agreed) to let the boys come over for 3 hours. Curfew 10 p.m., H would drive them home. H said, how about 10:30 p.m.? I said okay. At 11 p.m., no sign of them going home. I was mad -- again, the goal posts move, the boundary erodes. SS visits us very little, so I wonder why he can't just spend 24 hours with us without wingmen... but any way... H is angry at ME saying he feels like his son "isn't welcome" in our home.

Son a few months ago stole my computer cord. And "gave" me his broken one. I confronted him and he returned it. (No consequences). I said, please don't take my things without asking. THis weekend he "borrows" my computer cord and returns it. When I said, dumbfounded, "you TOOK this?" he said "yeah, I needed it." He had to come into our bedroom, and get it from my nightstand. I was CREEPED out. My H thinks I'm overreacting.

THEN, same evening find out he's been hanging out in the guest cottage -- which he's been told not to do -- with these friends. I know, compared to other teenage trouble, not so bad. But I feel violated. That's "my space" out there. A sanctuary. He left soda bottles and messed up the bed, etc.

I feel like trying to draw boundaries with SS makes my husband angry. And he's mad anyway that I "don't like his kids." I have tried HARD. Dinners, vacations, money, time spent trying to engage them in conversations. Nada. So I have retreated a bit lately, and my husband is hurt.

But I think his kids suck. Really, I do. This is long enough, I won't go into the supercilious, antisocial older one. But I love my husband. He's a good guy. His kids pain HIM, but he's defensive if they pain ME.

Can anyone relate? Thanks if you got this far.