New here...I Can’t do it Anymore
When you get mad, because you can’t accept anyone saying anything about your kids, it’s time for me to go. It’s not the children’s fault. It’s the parents’ fault for not teaching their children values and respect. For four years, I put up with disrespect. I had to put up with destruction of my property, my daughters’ property, and other family members’ property. I had to deal with being afraid to go in public. I had to put these kids before my own, treat them better than my own. I had to put my health and my unborn babies’ health before them. I was expected to roll out the red carpet and feel like an outsider in my own home. They are catered to in every way, even by family members while my daughter is ignored. Again, it’s not the kids fault. It’s their parents’ fault. I couldn’t reach them. I did try, but I can only take so much. Every single weekend, I was living this life. I wasn’t allowed to speak my opinion without criticism. Everything I let go on was all in the name of being family. I had to put what felt wrong to me aside. My daughters weren’t happy. They were tired of having their things stolen or destroyed. My daughter had a laptop for less than a year that was destroyed. There were no consequences and the laptop was never fixed or replaced. The girls and I are moving into a new home. I had so much anxiety over it, because I didn’t want to live this life anymore. The thought of having that follow me somewhere new literally made me sick. It’s over now. I cannot be responsible for children who are allowed to do whatever they want. I tried, and it’s just no longer worth it. All I ever heard was “kids will be kids.” Well, tonight, the “kids will be kids” somewhere else. I don’t know any sane person who would put up with what I did for all those years.
I can go to bed knowing the problem isn’t me. I work in education and have bonded with each and every kid I’ve worked with, no matter how difficult things have gotten. I could not bond with my stepchildren, and it wasn’t because of me.
I think we will all be better off apart. I will have my sanity, and I won’t be full of resentment. My kids will be happier. My soon to be ex-husband will be glad to not have to live with someone so angry, and his kids will be free to continue to do whatever they want. However, I’m sure wherever he goes, the novelty of the kids will wear off quickly. Life isn’t about always having fun. It’s about teaching kids to be productive members of society.
From what you've said here I
From what you've said here I think you made the right decision. My experience has been that if your significant other refuses to respect you (in this case by reining in his kids when they hurt you and your children) you're dealing with something fundementally more serious than the initial complaint. As you've said, the problem isn't the kids, it's the parents and the lack of basic respect towards YOU.
My situation was different, the problem was more his parents than the step child, and his lack of caring for MY child, and his lack of concern for ME. I tried to work it out with him but my partner refused to resolve these issues. I realize now this was a warning sign. Eventually I cut his abusive parents out of my and my son's life, but encouraged my partner and his daughter to continue seeing them. It galled me that he ignored repeated chances to make things better on this front, but I choose to accept the situation no matter how much it hurt me because I loved him.
Fast forward a few years and I found out I had breast cancer. My son decided to move in with his birth dad two days before my first chemo treatment, and it was actually a relief as my partner barely acknowledged my boy even existed and I wasn't going to be available to mother him while dealing with the cancer treatment. And then I essentially became the invisible woman living in the back room. When I became deathly sick from the treatment my partner dropped me at the emergency room door and didn't bother to come see me until I requested pjs a few days later. I continued to pay half the bills, food and rent despite being unable to work, and despite my asking him to pick up the slack, and help out more around the house I still did the lions share of cooking, cleaning and laundry. He. Didn't. Care.
So I soon realized that when push comes to shove someone who has shown you lack of caring or respect on the smaller matters in life will most likely not be there for you when you REALLY need them for the big things, no matter how much you think you love them. I wish I'd figured it out sooner. My breast cancer is 'cured' and the relationship didn't last through it...his lack of respect was a crucial sign that he didn't really give a flying poo. His lack of caring while I was going through treatment was the final proof.
I think you were very wise to cut this thing off now. I'm glad you didnt' have to go through a life changing, traumatic experience to realize he doesn't value you enough to make your life liveable. I intend to live my life and look for what makes me happy, I sure as hell don't need a leech hanging off me to feel complete and neither do you! Live your life and find what makes you happy! Best wishes to you and your kiddos!
Unfortunately, there was a
Unfortunately, there was a tragic event. Almost three years ago, I delivered our son at 23 weeks. He died six days later. My husband wasn’t there for me. I found out months later that he cheated weeks after our son died. It was with the skids’ mother. He was very distant when he died. It all made sense. He was not there for me during my darkest days. He was cheating on me.
It wasn’t just the kids. He is emotionally and verbally abusive. Last night, he pushed me into a table when I told him to leave.
I'm so very sorry to hear
I'm so very sorry to hear about your loss and his lack of support when you needed him most. The fact he cheated on you with the ex is heart rending. I'm glad you told him to leave, and I'm glad you're here. I found good solid support here when I was going through the early days of living the step life, you'll get good guidance and perspective.
Stay strong! If it's any help, I've found it helps to take time to sit quietly and visualize what I REALLY want out of life. Meditating on my goals helps keep me centred, especially when I start doubting this course and wishing I was back with my partner. The difference between where I need to go and where I was with him becomes clearer when I reflect on my goals.
It's hard to keep a clear head sometimes when you're sad, don't let it trick you into a bad decision!
He's going to punch you in
He's going to punch you in the face next. Pushing you is NOT OK. I feel for you, I do. And you are living thisife that is torture. A week ago I asked my boyfriend who I love deeply,to move out because his son wants to live with us in June, and I don't want an 18/year old with his habits to ruin my world. Trust me, its hurting me every moment of the day. Its hard for me to get out of bed,its hard for me to goto bed and he's not there. Seeing his empty drawers and closets, hurts. But at the same time, I have to tell myself I made the right choice because at the end of the day, it's his child. And I won't make him choose. The kids will always be there entitled and all. And that spoiled child only grows to be a spoiled adult
Btw- don't walk away from this guy....RUN!
He assaulted you. Did you
He assaulted you. Did you call the police and have him frog marched out of the house in hand cuffs? If not, file charges now and get his ass locked up.
No quarter.
My condolences on the loss of your son. My parents lost their youngest son. I was 8 when my brother passed as a baby at 10mos old. While I have not lost a child I have watched my parents go through it. You have my heartfelt sorrow for your loss and for the realization that your DH was not a man at all.
Take care of you and your girls. When the time is right your new life adventure will unfold and you will be able to enjoy it.
((((Hugs))))
Hi Miserable and welcome to
Hi Miserable and welcome to Steptalk- my circumstances were different but your lines about working in education and bonding with the kids you teach struck a chord with me. I have always worked in people jobs and get on with most people but somehow things never gelled with my skids. I thought it must be some failure on my part,and I struggled with it for years. In the past I have got rid of toxic people from my life by keeping away from them as much as possible- when I did this with my skids it damaged my relationship to the extent that I had to leave. It is very sad that my X chose his kids over me (and they are all adults!) but that is exactly what happened. I am happier, relieved of an intolerable burden and know that I will be fine. He had so much more to lose than me but he made his choice. I hope you also find that peace and relief from the step nightmare.
Meh- my situation was the reverse of yours in that my breast cancer returned shortly after I met my then DH. He was attentive, caring and loyal- all the things your SO was not. I thought he had come into my life at the right time and that one day I would care for him in turn. But no, I came to realise that once I was well, back at work and living life again he no longer cared about me, especially in the context of his far needier children (to him). In the end I realised he didn't respect me at all- but he had just used my vulnerability for his own ends.
Well done on your regained health- I am healthier than I have been for years and I am starting life over on my own. I too am living the life that was given back to me and I don't waste a single day of it. Be happy, and be well.
I struggled thinking it was
I struggled thinking it was me. I couldn’t understand how I could bond with students, but not these kids. I honestly don’t care if I ever see them again.
You would never have bonded-
You would never have bonded- it is one of the features of steplife. To be fair, I can get on with most people but didn't want to get too involved with my skids, as I have kids of my own -but the X really all along wanted me to worship the ground they walk on like he did. Although I like to get on with people I don't waste time with folk who clearly don't like me, which the skids never did. Choose to be with people who have chosen to be with you.
It's so empowering to say,
It's so empowering to say, "this is no longer serving me" and walk away in peace.
Many blessings on your new life
two words: Good Riddance.
Im am so sorry for your loss.
My BFF went thru much of this
My BFF went thru much of this. After almost a decade of fertility treatments and operations she finally got pregnant only to lose the child at 5 months. And then her ahole husband decided to get violent with her. She left him immediately. Till the day he died he kept bemoaning that ”I only hit her once”.
That was some time ago and she’s gone on to have a great life. As will you.