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New Member - Hurtful comments from DH

swedey's picture

Submitted by swedey on Mon, 07/18/2011 - 9:59pm

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DH has two twin BD4. I do love them and put in a lot of effort into their lives. We get them about 50% of the time and try to instill creativity, intellect, manners, and morals at our house. One of SD4 was being a total brat at swimming lessons and I became frustrated with her behavior. Later on in the week, DH told me that he has more patience with them than I do. Of course he does, he's their father! DH always says that he gets annoyed with other people's children and gets SO mad with me when I get frustrated or annoyed with SDs. It is a total double standard and drives me insane. How do I get over these comments that seem to be more and more frequent? Thanks... Smile

simifan's picture

Submitted by simifan on Mon, 07/18/2011 - 10:12pm

Stop trying to be superstepmom & let DAD do the nitty gritty work & take them to things like swimming lessons

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Mon, 07/18/2011 - 11:45pm

I agree he needs to take over and you need to step back. It may only take a few months or it may take him a few years or he may not ever get it. But at least you don't have to be the one that does things for them. They are HIS kids not yours. He needs to step up to the plate and not expect someone that is not their parent to do things like that for free and then criticize them for the way they do it. you are doing him a favor so stop doing it.

Just like of you were doing it for a sibling do you really think your brother or sister would treat you like that?? It is the same thing you are doing him a favor just like if you were doing a family member or friend a favor. At least with a family member or friend they would ASK if you would do them that favor.

Auteur's picture

Submitted by Auteur on Tue, 07/19/2011 - 7:27am

Yep, daddykins needs to step up to the plate 100% and take the BAD with the GOOD; something that most guilty daddies don't want to do.

You can disengage and let dad get the "real feel" of parenting. This type of reaction from biodad is SOOOOOO common!!

You are TOTALLY not alone as probably 98% of posters on here (in particular NCP SMs with guilty DHs/SOs) have experienced this annoying phenomenon.

smileygirl's picture

Submitted by smileygirl on Tue, 07/19/2011 - 9:52am

Amen! Complety agree (with what everyone has said)

Being a step is a very demanding job with little to no respect. DH needs to step-up and handle the things you've been handling ateast for a time so that he can see that you have been parenting HIS children as best anyone can ask and take some of the burden off. Sometimes the best role for a SM to play is kinda like a nice aunt - You can have fun with her and she will tell you "no" but she isn't your parent and she doesn't have to pretend to be.

And..

riply is right, everyone says to act like the childs parent but when we do we are suddendly the evil SM, not because we are actually being meaner to them than anyone else would be but because they don't actually want you to parent them - they want you to turn into some peppy Disney Princess character that doesn't discipline and doesn't get frustrated with them. That's not reality and it's just not fair. I often hear from even my own family when I treat BS's just like I treat my BS that I'm being an evil SM - for things like expecting a 10 yr to be able to make his own plate at buffet...It's not evil - It's just not what Cinderella would do.

Take a step back and appreciate not being their parent and don't worry about what anyone thinks of it. I believe that being the full time daddy to his kids should help change DH's prespective some.