New schedule
Need some advice for my situation. I'm both a BM and a step parent so I try to think of it from both sides. My husband's ex is a total psycho so I try hard to be reasonable with regards to my ex and his wife.
My ex got a new job thus the schedule switched. We made an agreement together to do 4 days one week and in the "off" week he would have one overnight so the kids would get to see him and kind of break it up so it wouldn't be so long of a stretch. It was all going well until last week. They went for their one overnight and he had texted that day saying his wife would be picking them up and dropping them off. NO problem whatsoever here. Everything went well but when the kids came back they complained they didn't get to see their Dad. My 4 year old was confused about it and didn't seem to understand why he wasn't there. I was kind of irked but it happens. We get home and my daughter's homework isn't finished and my 4 year olds homework wasn't even touched. We do pick up and drop offs in the late evening so all of this SHOULD be done. I'm annoyed but I let it go.
Fast forward to his 4 day stretch. I picked them up tonight. He texted saying his wife was dropping them off. I pick the kids up and she tells me my daughter left her booksack at school and that she guesses she will just have homework tomorrow. I just say alright and load the kids up and we come home. The kids are covered in some type of bug bites all over their faces which has me frustrated but I understand that can't really be helped sometimes. My 4 year old once again has homework that hasn't been addressed. I finally text my ex about all the homework issues from the past week and this. I basically more or less told him if they are going to be there on school nights then they really need to do their work and that I was disappointed in my daughter's booksack not being retrieved from school. They pick her up so she could have easily gone back to the school within the hours they're still opened or waited in the parking lot for her to run get it. He proceeds to tell me it's not the first time she's done it (NEVER had an issue with her leaving homework or her booksack at school here and she rides the bus home) and that they told her she would have to suffer the consequences. Mind you the child in question is usually on ADHD meds and struggles greatly in school due to that so her not doing her work is a huge set back. There were no consequences at his home for not bringing it home or doing it, she went on with her day as if she had.
Our current schedule is NOT court ordered. I've already talked to my lawyer about it all.. Would it be horrible to drop the one overnight if he can't get his crap together? I plan on seeing if he will be there this coming week and if he isn't then I don't see the point of them disrupting their routine to go overnight to not see him because he's working.
oh dear..... remember their
oh dear.....
remember their SM does not have to check their home work..... she's not their parent ....
I suggest if your ExH is not there then the kids should not go, if I was in your shoes I would buddy up with the SM, even if you do not like her, you are a SM as well..... how do you feel about your BM.....
Simply tell your SM, thank you for being there, but if ExH is not around I do not expect you to be babysitter, thus I will not send the kids over for visits...... and simply tell ExH it's not your wife's responsibility to look after your children, you want them to visit then you make sure you are there and you make sure their homework is done... it's not your wife's responsibility....
Or just simply stay with CO and if ExH schedule changed, then you do not have to send the kids to him, not your problem, it's his problem...
If HE is not there at all,
If HE is not there at all, they should not have to go. It is HIS visitation time, now the SM's.
I would ask for it to be formally changed too.
Ours doesn't say this and
Ours doesn't say this and when we asked our attorney about my husband's paperwork he said it's not literal. Basically as his wife I fall under that umbrella since it's still a person within our household. Basically whoever my husband appoints to watch the kids is an extension of him more or less. His ex is crazy and thinks if he goes to the store for 30 mins the kids should be returned to her immediately. That's just not realistic. I'm OK with them staying with my ex's wife for the day or whatever while he works. I'm NOT ok with them going for one overnight and not seeing him the entire time they are there for that 24 hours. It's pointless.
Obviously I'd prefer them
Obviously I'd prefer them with me. From what I gather she's not disengaged but I mean I don't really talk to her nor do I care to. She raves online about "her kids" (IE my kids) and feels the need to bash me publicly as a mother at times.
I just think she's young and more into being the fun "parent" than actually getting stuff that needs to be done. We run two different households with my husband and I being the stricter of both of our ex's.
I'm only ok with it because
I'm only ok with it because the kids like her and she doesn't mistreat them in any kind of way.
I can't control every aspect of their household and I'm fine with that. We obviously parent differently but at the end of the day I know the kids are safe and their needs are being met.
I say it's homework but it's
I say it's homework but it's literally once a week. Both times it has been a book that he needs to color then we "help" read it to him. It's a few pages with stuff like "Sharing is fun!" He's in Pre-K lol
Is this the first time for
Is this the first time for these things happening? Just asking to see if there might be other extenuating circumstances that caused a one-time issue for the single overnight. I have had days where my steps didn't see their dad the first 24 hours of his custody time. I picked kids up from daycare (normal routine) and DH wound up stuck at work due to an emergency. The next morning I took the kids to daycare since DH had come home to sleep, then left again before they woke up. It wasn't until he got home that night that he saw the kids. That didn't mean that BM has the right to refuse to allow him to take the kids on his next days without proof he'd be there. (ROFR didn't apply due to their specific CO) It was a one time problem. Edit: one time meaning it wasn't every pickup, but due to the nature of his work it happened more often than he liked. Kids went to in-laws before I came along.
The other issues regarding the backpack and homework during the four day custody time are slightly different. I get the frustration you feel. DH and I are you and BM is the careless one in our scenario. 2.5 weeks into school and SD11 has 6 missing/incomplete assignments, all from BM's days and not counting the 4 late assignments DH already made SD complete and turn in. Also with ADHD diagnosed in 1st grade. Also with a therapist that helped SD11, DH, and BM work out a system of "accountability" together. DH's lawyer told him there is little he can do legally without proof that BM is hazardous to SD11's education. And for that to be proven the school would have to testify or SD11 would have to repeat a grade.
I'll admit there have been times in the past that SD11 had forgotten something at school, and even though we only lived 3 blocks away, we didn't go back for it. We had other things to do and we hoped that her missing out on fun things and having extra work would remind her. She is better now.
Before you rock the boat too much by unilaterally changing the non-CO, but mutually agreed custody arrangements, please consider very hard what the repercussions might be. If you do this and your ex doesn't like it, you may very well end up in court and with a legal CO with much less flexibility. I'm not saying it's the wrong choice - just make sure you consider all the possible consequences before making a decision based on two events.
and I agree with HeavenLike. I feel bad that a four year old has homework already.
It's the first time this has
It's the first time this has happened so far. It's happened last week and then again this week. Next week they will be going again for their one overnight and I will get to see if it's the new norm or not. I figure by 3 times it's either a pattern or not in my eyes. I don't mind the every so often scenario because lets be realistic.. Stuff happens.
She's in 4th grade at the moment so literally her not doing her homework only sets herself back and with her struggling already it's NOT a good idea. I asked her if she got into trouble at school for leaving it there and she said no. There were also NO consequences at her Dad's home. She got to go there, not do her homework then proceed to play and have fun like nothing happened. No punishments from his end whatsoever so I chalk it up to a lazy excuse.
My plan is to go back to court anyway. My lawyer is prepped to go back and he's just waiting on my word. My ex's lawyer is famous for stalling paperwork so the best option is to go back to court ASAP once I figure out what I want to do. We've done the paperwork dance with him in the past.. So at this point it's kind of like "hey you have a month to figure out if you want to sign or agree but if not we're going to court on this date to get it settled one way or another".
Gotcha! I thought your
Gotcha! I thought your daughter was 4 YEARS old, not in fourth grade! Sorry bout that! I totally agree with you on the homework. BM claims she punishes SD11, but SD11 told the therapist that BM doesn't follow through on the accountability thing because "we were busy." And now BM wants to sign SD11 up for tennis, dance competition, and ANOTHER musical instrument. I swear the woman is just looking for activities for the kids so she doesn't have to parent regardless of the kids needs.
I got a call from the school
I got a call from the school yesterday morning about the bug bites all over my daughter's face. They wanted me to come get her from school and wouldn't allow her back without a doctors note confirming it was indeed bug bites and not something else. Thankfully we got her in and she only missed an hour of school. Hopefully he's more careful next time they go.
He can't contempt me on a
He can't contempt me on a verbal agreement. Our CO is outdated and he doesn't want to follow that one because it's a 21/21 schedule. Meaning he sees the kids 3 weekends in a row then doesn't see them for 3 weeks straight. He used to work in the oilfield.
I'm not rescuing her by any means but don't give me some petty excuse of you couldn't make her go get the bag and want her to suffer consequences but then do not give her any at all.
We don't coparent. We parallel parent for the most part because it's always one excuse after the other of "well they don't do that here" and a mixture of it's not his issue/fault/blah blah blah. However when it becomes disruptive to my children and it messes with their education I kind of take that seriously considering the previous issues we've had the past 2-3 school years of her almost failing until we got her meds correct.
I plan to.. My lawyer is
I plan to.. My lawyer is waiting on what I'd like to do. I figure I'll make a decision by next week.
Not sure where you got the
Not sure where you got the whole no school nights thing but he's had them on school nights for well over a year now. I'm not blaming him for her failing grades if you'd actually READ. I'm saying she struggles in school to focus. She's typically on meds to help with this.. HOWEVER her skipping out on homework and school work isn't doing her any favors. As a parent you should push your child to do what they need to do. For instance at our house I would have gotten her bag, made her do homework and she would have been punished on top of that for forgetting it. His way was let her come home, play and have fun, not do her work and nothing happened. She didn't get docked in class or anything. Only punishment MAY be that she makes a crappy grade on one of her tests because she didn't study or do the work.
They ARE recent changes. It's
They ARE recent changes. It's been about 2 months since we switched schedules. We do 50/50 during the summer.. I'm going to agree to disagree with the structure and stability.
I have a friend who is a lawyer here and he says 50/50 situations tend to not work out long term. More often than not his cases end up going back to court within a year (sometimes they make it longer) to change it.
50/50 doesn't work out for
50/50 doesn't work out for every situation. It's not a one size fits all cure to every custody arrangement.
I know when we do it during the summer for instance my husband's children by the time they get comfortable and relearn our house rules it's time to go back to their Mom's. We restart the process every week and the first 3 days are the hardest. I couldn't imagine mixing that in with school on top. If you talk to some kids that have that schedule they also report not liking it. It's too much uprooting. They don't feel like they have an actual home base.
Everyone is entitled to their opinions and feelings. I'm just sharing what I've personally read or people I have talked to that have actually lived with it.
Like I said before.. You're
Like I said before.. You're more than welcome to your opinion and feelings about it. I have different ones. I'm not going to go round and round about it with you all day because you can't accept not every situation is the same. Some it works for and others not so much.
"They don't feel like they
"They don't feel like they have an actual home base."
Well, when kids have parents who are divorced, there is no "home base." There is mom's house and dad's house.
Don't tell us to "talk to some kids that have that schedule" because they "are report not liking it."
A lot of have or have had 50/50 and it is AWESOME.
In fact, I know tons of kids and parents who parent their children equally and I don't know ONE who says it doesn't work.
Don't believe everything you read.
How about you actually know
How about you actually know what you're talking about before you go on and on.
Our schedule is Fri-Tues so YES he has had them on school nights. The only thing we changed from the CO was to change it every other week and add in an extra overnight in the off week which *gasp* is also on a school night.
It was an example.. His days
It was an example.. His days start off on weekends so thus I call it weekend. I was explaining how our CO was set up meaning he got them 3 weeks in a row for his days then didn't see them for 3, etc. I didn't know you needed every detail of my case to sit here and be judgemental.
I can't even today.
I can't even today.
I mean outdated as in it
I mean outdated as in it doesn't apply to our situation any longer not that it isn't legally binding.
He doesn't want to skip out on seeing them for 3 whole weeks and I don't want them to go without seeing him for that long either if he's got a normal job where he's not out in the middle of the ocean somewhere.
We both agreed to the new schedule. Lawyer said all is well on that front.. it's just not enforceable until it's a signed court document.
Your definition of outdated
Your definition of outdated is not the same as a Court's.
The order that you should be operating under is the one that is filed with the Court. Complain about any side deals you and XH made and you will get nowhere.
Yes.. I have a lawyer always
Yes.. I have a lawyer always on retainer.
What do you mean where is DH?
Yup. I have a lawyer on
Yup.
I have a lawyer on retainer because so far we've been to court every year since I've gotten divorced. We couldn't change the order until we got some other things hammered out first which just got done and filed. More or less his lawyer sucks, is a pro at stalling and still hadn't gotten around to filing the paperwork from LAST court visit from last year. With that being taken care we can now move forward which is why I said I plan on getting back with the lawyer next week.
doesn't sound like yours is a
doesn't sound like yours is a genius.....
ANY lawyer worth their salt will push push push to get a new parenting plan in place ASAP instead of telling the client "just go with it until we can get it filed."