New to step parenting
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Hi all! I recently came into the role of step mom and I'm still all type of confused! I find myself getting frustrated with how things are being handled with the kiddo but I also know it not really my place to tell him what to do. I've only been in the kiddo's life for two weeks now and I would appreciate any advice. Thanks!
Knock off that "not your place" crap. NOW!
You and your SO are equity life partners. You and the relationship you are both in are the sole top priority for both of you and comes before all else including kids. Regardless of kid biology. Kids are the top adult relationship responsibility but are never are the priority over the relationship. If they are, find a better partner.
The standards of behavior and performance that kids in your home will be held to are absolutely your place to establish and enforce. If your SO will not participate in setting and enforcing , then you do it and he gets no say in those standards and you should absolutely hold him accountable for enforcing them whether he participates in establishing them or not..
If he is such a failed parent, failed man, and failed partner to the point that he will not establish and enforce standards of behavior and performance for his children, you have some major thinking to do and choices to make as to whether you want to waste your life on a loser.
Why anyone in a relationship with a prior relationship breeder, or in a relationship with anyone else, would willfully abdicate any control over their own life and the happenings in their own home is beyond me.
Don't do it.
Welcome,, good luck , and take care of you.
Way to lay it out there Don
Way to lay it out there
Don't do it. Is the best thing I've read, Ha.
But Rags is absolutely right. Unless BM is over BD and vice versa and she is accepting of you, don't bother.
Remember, you are at no time a babysitter... EVER. Don't even go down this road. You are also not a caretaker in any way. There shall be no expectations of you doing thing such as feeding, bathing, ect.
I understand you are fresh and in the begining so there are a lot of different ways this could go.. I could list a bunch of what ifs but I will settle with saying what I wish I did differently in my situation.
You are not the childs friend, That means; they don't get away with extra stuff around you and if they are acting out big or small do not brush it off as cute. Hold accountable from the very start. I'm unsure of the age of the child you are potentially dealing with, mine was 3 when I entered the picture. She hit and told dad off all the time, but she was cute, and everyone thought it was okay and acceptable. NO!
It literally takes a village to raise a child.. that does not mean the daily needs of the child. If you seen a child in the store acting like an ass you would probably be sure that child seen the dirty look on your face in hopes that they noticed your distaste in a sitaution and get the nonverbal social cue to knock it off. Same applies. Unless the child is in inimate danger being naughty/acting out/ect tell them to stop or suggest doing something different but as far as disipline leave it to the BD and observe how he handles the situations.
They do not have to like you, but they need to respect you. Once you have lost respect or failed to gain respect, you stand zero chance. And I mean zero.
I didn't get from your post that you have bio kiddos yourself.. your parenting style is engrained in your head already.. follow it. If by chance you guys work out long term and have one of your own when you don't agree with x,y,z that will become an issue, a HUGE one on more fronts than one. If your opinions do not line up with his, bail. It's that SIMPLE.
You say you have been together for 2 weeks, I would guess you are still in your 'honeymoon phase' do not dismiss the flags!! Make sure BD is getting the child as scheduled.. do not voice your opinion. If there is something going on and he ever so easily gives the child to BM because of an event, it shows his priority as a parent. Again, down the road.. priority as a parent. Does the child have a room, is it furnished to the childs age. Ie; Is there a crib when their should be at least a toddler bed or bigger? How many clothes do they have and are they appropriate sizes. Also, don't be affraid to ask around.. in my situation until we started dating he actually only seen his daughter for a few hours a day and maybe spent the night with her on his weekends (at his moms) as his mom was actually her caretaker, not him. He was too busy... until I came around. At that point he had already been a single dad for 2 years..
Most people who do not have kiddos fail to realize that when they are dating someone who does have a kid (s) you are seeing your potential life right in front of your eyes. If you find it unacceptable do NOT think that you are able to change them to be better.
Parenting is simple - you either got it or you don't. And unfortunately there are a lot of parents who just dont. Don't settle!
I was kind of all over the board there looking back, I did not cover all of it, we could go on for days.
Bottom line; if it doesn't feel right, it isn't right, and you need to leave. Don't ever second guess your instinct/gut and don't supress any wrong feelings with him or the situation.
You've been in the kid's life
You've been in the kid's life for two weeks and you want to change how he parents? How long have you been together?
If you are just dating, probably better to throw this one back rather than try to change his parenting style after TWO WEEKS. Heed the red flag and let him go.
my only advice to you is good
my only advice to you is good luck.
I don't know who originally
I don't know who originally posted this, but it's a good list. Keep your eyes open to these red flags of stepparenting life. If any of this is happening, do NOT look the other way. Is your partner willing to address the problem? If not, don't waste your time.
1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)
2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?
3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habits, eating habits, bedtime habits?
4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)
5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?
6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?
7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern
8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?
9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?
10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?
11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.
12. Has dad said things to you like "you don't like my children" or "you're a child hater" or "my children are afraid of you" or "my children don't like you?" This is code for you are able to see through the manipulation and the children don't like it. . . and frankly he doesn't like the fact that you can see through his children's manipulation either. He'd rather look the other way as opposed to actually parenting because he might "lose" his children to the (almost always) PASinator BM.