My advice is go read Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin right now. This dynamic is incredibly common in step families, especially families with a stepmom. He wants you to have all of the responsibility, but none of the authority. And you aren't partners when he chooses to disregard common household rules so that his special snowflakes don't have to be disciplined. He is parenting, or rather failing to parent, from a place of guilt, and he needs to stop that.

While you aren't and shouldn't be trying to be "Mom", you ARE an adult and an authority figure, and you DO have a right to have input into your own household rules.

Get on these issues now. I've been unhappily married in the same scenario for almost 8 years, and only now are we starting to address that I feel like an outsider in this family. It might be too late for me, don't let the same happen to you. Because he might not be able to, or even want to fix it. And if that is the case, get out now before you waste your life away raising someone elses kids and not being appreciated.

You shouldn't have to be a parent to these kids. But you shouldn't be a doormat either. SKs speak rudely to you? You say, "I don't respond to people who speak rudely to me. Please speak to me in a respectful way." They look at you rudely? You ask them if they have something in their eyes right then and there.

tell him that you may not be their parent, but you are an adult in that home and will enforce house rules and respect towards you. you would do this with ANY child that came into your home. and, since his kids visit more than any other "company" you may have, they will have duties and responsibilities in the home. tell him that since he allows them to whatever they want, that you will do what you have to do. if he doesn't like it, then he can step up and actually be a parent or he can hit the road. his choice. he has 3 choices and doing nothing is not one of them. honey, put a stop to this craziness now because it will destroy your marriage.

I feel exactly the same way. My OH has 2 children and they come here, boss us both about. I do their washing, cooking, cleaning up after them and OH tends to let them get away with everything. No manners, tantrums etc... Like you said as a step parent I have no authority I can't tell him how to discipline his kids but I have to put up with all the rudeness, no respect, ignorance...literally ignoring me when I say something to them especially SD9.

My husband is a stepdad to my three boys (ages 16, 15 and 11). My children really like and have a great deal of respect for DH. My youngest tells DH that he loves him. DH treats the kids with love and respect. We have all lived together for 3-4 years. At first, during the honeymoon phase, the boys and DH (who had already known each other for over 5 years) began to "explore" their relationship with each other. The father of my boys is not involved in their lives and sees them maybe once every couple of months for a couple of hours. He doesn't parent them and is basically trying to be their "friend". It took awhile but DH figured out the role he would play in my boys life. He does discipline the boys and he supports me when I discipline them as well. At first he was hesitant but after he saw how much their dad ignored them, he began to feel more comfortable with being a male role model to them. My boys look up to him. When he disciplines the boys I support him. Somehow he figured out how to live with me being the main disciplinarian while being thoroughly involved without crossing a certain boundary that he created. He does a great job as a step dad. He knows when its appropriate to step in and help me. He knows exactly how to interact with them while maintaining a position of authority. After the years went by, he has become more and more of a father to them. I think what made this relationship work was that no one pushed too hard; they/we took things slowly and let the relationship evolve accordingly. One day he disciplined my 15 year old and my son said to me "I like it when DH comes down on me; he is teaching me how to be a man". I think the most important part of all of this is that we (as parental figures) support each other, employ the same discipline and the boys see us as a united front. We agree on the rules and we are consistent. Children need discipline and limits. DH doesn't step on my toes as their mother and has never claimed to be their father. By illustrating how we make this family work I hope that I have provided you with some examples of how we acheived balance in our lives as a family. Good luck to you and take care.
Amber

If your DH wants sole responsibility for parenting, then he has to take sole *accountability* as well. And you need to be on the same page with that. So talk to him again. Let him know that you heard what he said, about the kids not needing a "mom", and you respect it. In turn though, YOU need him to take care of everything that parenting entails - and that means making meals, cleaning up after them, bedtime routines, ALL of it. Otherwise you feel like the hired help, and that's no good for your marriage. There's no reason you can't be "friends" with the kids, much as you would for a niece or nephew. Talk to them about their day, a movie, whatever you like. If they ask for a cookie or something, the answer is always "Ask your father." You can disconnect from *parenting* without disconnecting from the kids, and since that's what your DH says he wants, I'd do that. (He has NO IDEA what he's asking for.) But make sure your DH knows that if that's what he wants then you expect him to hold up his end of the bargain.

My advice at this point would be to not do anything for them that DH can do. Don't EVER start doing anything - laundry, running kids to and fro, cleaning up after them, etc. - that you're not willing to do indefinitely, because once you start doing something for the step-kids, you'll be expected to do it forever. Trust me on this!

I haven't read Stepmonster, but I do plan to do it really soon. I'm a relatively new stepmom myself (six months so far), but I've been a stepmom in the past, and I learned a lot from that experience that I use in this new situation.

Don't tolerate disrespect from your stepkids. EVER. It's great if DH backs you up, but even if he doesn't, don't put up with it. My stepkids learned right off the bat that NCgal doesn't put up with anybody's backtalk and bullshit, no matter what age they are.