New stepmom! Help!
Okay, so me and my husband just got married in September, and I have a 4 yr old step son. My husband was previously married before and they adopted a baby from birth. Shortly after she wanted to be with someone else and cheated, they split up and filed for divorce. I met my husband and we waited a few months until i met his son Jack. We met when he was around 17 months old. I have been with them ever since. we have lived together over a year and a half and just got married 2 months ago. His ex wife and his family is really a bad influence on Jack's behavior, there is no discipline when he is with his mom or grandparents and he gets whatever he wants. (even tasty cakes for breakfast!) His ex wife will go out to bars and clubs on the weekends she's supposed to have him and leave him at his grandparents, where there is even less discipline. This makes it very hard for us when we're trying to teach him manners, healthy living and eating, and how to act proper. I've told my husband many times that he should take her to court and get full custody but he's afraid they will favor his ex since shes the mother, and right now we have him more then she does and he doesn't want to lose anything. We have been trying to handle everything nicely with her but its getting out of hand. Do they always favor the mother? Wouldn't it help that he is now married to me and Jack has a step mom in his life to care for him now? He lives with us mostly during the week because his daycare is close to our house.
The other thing is, they have shared debt from adopting Jack and she pays half every month. She just told us that she will be laid off in a month from her job which means she wont be able to pay her bills for awhile (this happened once last year too, and we had to struggle to get by because she wasn't working or paying her half). Has anyone ever successfully somehow split up shared debt with an ex so we won't be responsible for her half when she's unemployed? She says she can't get a loan because her credit is bad so they can't just transfer half into just her name. Any suggestions will be so helpful! Thank you. :?
Think long and hard about
Think long and hard about raising another woman's child fulltime. But, yes, it is possible. Courts are starting to favor fathers more and more. Sounds like you have a good case: mom partys, discipline issues, mom's loosing her job, mom can't pay bills...go for it if it's really what you want. She won't be able to afford an attorney, it sounds like, either!
As far as the debt goes...sorry, never heard of successful debt splitting. Someone always gets screwed and it's normally the responsible one.
Thanks, we are documenting
Thanks, we are documenting everything with dates and facebook posts so we have evidence, so i don't see how we'd lose any custody. My husband is still nervous and thinks the court will favor her.
Bankruptcy is an option.
Bankruptcy is an option. Once you two are considered bankrupt they'll go after her exclusively and leave you two alone.
Consider bribery in getting her to sign over custody. Forgive child support for instance - that will appeal. Offer to take over the debt then declare bankruptcy (see above) once you've got clear title so to speak.
If you don't get custody give up on the idea of instilling any values into this kid. When you have a kid 2 days out of 12 its impossible to undo any damage or failures of the custodial parent. All you can do is enforce the rules of your house. Feed him vegetables and fruits which he'll refuse and let him go hungry if necessary and put him in his room for down time when he mis-behaves.
As others have said don't let your current blissful state lead you into taking on this responsibility. And here is some harsh advise which if you don't take you will likely come to rue: Don't have children with this guy for at least a couple of years. Give yourself time to see if you really want to spend the rest of your life with this kid and its mother a part of your life. Many couples postpone children for a decade for many reasons and there is no reason you can't also. Don't regret a hasty decision on this subject.
Bankruptcy is an option. We
Bankruptcy is an option. We wanted to buy a house within the next few years though, so i'm not sure we want to ruin that. She is paying her half of the debt for now, but every time she loses her job she goes a few months without paying which is very hard on us to make our bills.
I have already taken on the responsibility, and would never leave or give up on Jack. We have him more often then not. My Husband is a little older and we would like to have more kids sooner then later and I know this is what I want too. We just need to get her out of the picture as much as possible, ya know.
Thanks, we definitely have
Thanks, we definitely have him more then %50. She only has him every other weekend and 1 night during the week, and most of the time she just sends him to her parents house so she can go out drinking and with guys.