No chance of getting better?
I am just wondering what you all think about something my friend said to me. I have been confiding in her about my issues with DH (mainly regarding SD and finances) and she told me yesterday that basically when a relationship gets to a certain point, there’s no going back to the way things used to be and it’s not going to get any better. I’ve been with DH for 3 years (married only 9 months) and it seems like I’ve been complaining about him the entire time! I love him (obviously, or I wouldn’t still be dealing with this crap!) but sometimes I feel like I am just wasting my life away! When friends/co-workers tell me about things they fight about with their DH/DW (like which restaurant to go to dinner at, what movie to see, what kind of curtains to hang up, what color to paint, etc.), I am SHOCKED that these are the types of issues other people have! I would LOVE to argue about what color to paint! Instead, my DH and I argue about skids and finances and his laziness! I mean we have REAL issues. I just wonder what it would be like to be with a man without all this baggage (DH is my first “real” relationship so I don’t have much to compare it to). Just needed to vent a little bit! Thanks for listening!
Hey there. I don't get those
Hey there. I don't get those who fight over menial things either! Paint? Movies? Dinner? Shit, that's easy stuff.
SD and BM, on the other hand, not so fuckin easy. I feel your pain. The absolute ONLY time DH and I argue or fight (I can count on 2 fingers how many real "fights" we've had in 2 yrs) explicitly deal with SD/BM. Other than that, we're happy as clams together and never have had it better.
So, we've come to a compromise of sorts. When I have something I need to talk about with regards to SD/BM or if something is bothering me - we have a vent session. No judging, no arguing, no fighting, just simply getting it all out. Once I've gotten it all off my chest, I feel much better and then we tackle the issues at hand. Sometimes it's all I need - is just to get it out. Sometimes he needs to remind me that our relationship is rock solid and ensure that he won't allow SD or BM to affect us.
It's been successful so far. The last real "fight" we had was months ago. Now when I feel something welling up inside me, instead of holding it in and trying to work through it myself, or letting it build only to explode on him later - I tell him it's time to vent and we get all of our feelings out and work through them.
I've never had better communication with anyone in my life!
The vent session is a great
The vent session is a great idea! I may have to try that! It definitely does feel better just getting my feelings and frustrations out.
Same here. SO and I are
Same here. SO and I are perfectly happy except when BM decides to be a major uncompromising selfish skankbot; or if I feel the kids are being brats/disrespectful to SO.. Then I get so frustrated that SO & I can "bicker"..but I find it best to just let him handle BM and his kids himself. the whole "disengage" mentality i learned from this site is MAGICAL..I love it and really saves my sanity at times..lOl If anything, though I try to be an unbiased 3rd party to my SO when skankbot is fighting with him over kid stuff. This is all well & good until things Skankbot wants/will not do start to affect ME. Like her total unwillingness to alternate taking the kids on Christmas Eve.. what mother doesn't want to see her kids wake up on christmas morning and open their gifts?!?! I don't get it..
The only real fights DH and I
The only real fights DH and I have had were about SD41. And they've been bitter, angry fights. And he always took her side and let her treat us all like crap. I think that's why I'd like to smash her so badly and why I lost a lot of respect for him. He got his way every time and didn't think any more about it, but I'm still angry. It is a big deal to me. I didn't sign up to be third string. These parents with kids need to fully disclose their intentions before marrying some poor sucker (like I was) and let them be treated so badly. If I went back in time knowing what I know now, I very well may have left. Or not married. I'd for sure have done things differently. Starting with moving far away from the whole mentally disturbed bunch of them. We've never worked through our feelings, it was always his way.
How old are you? Do you have
How old are you? Do you have any kids?
I am 26, DH is 30 and SD is
I am 26, DH is 30 and SD is 4. And no, I do not have any children.
I've been fighting with my DH
I've been fighting with my DH regarding finances and SD for 12 years! It's emotionally draining. It got to the point that I actually left him a couple of times. Finances and SKids are 2 of the top reasons for divorce. If you can work out some kind of arrangement like RedWingsFan (I wish I had!) hopefully your marriage will survive. Feeling like you're wasting your life away is a hard thing to deal with, and if you really, truly feel that way, don't do it. If I didn't have 2 kids with my DH, I would've divorced him in the first 5 years.
Yup Sara. This is why I asked
Yup Sara. This is why I asked her this question. I guess its like a free ride on a time machine. If you already know what the problems are now, do you want to look up 12 years and 2 kids later and find yourself stuck? I guess my suggestion would be to go to a marriage counselor right away. This will be a great time to try to work on your marriage and give it a time frame (maybe 1 yr. to see improvements) if not then leave. Before you know it you will be 35 and miserable dealing with his BM, SD, your Bio Kids and broke. You are still young to date and recover and I wouldn't waste my time if I didn't have to. Good Luck
Thank you so much Sara and
Thank you so much Sara and MsKaye! DH and I have been having problems for a while now and I have been very open with him in discussing the issues (guilty parenting, no house rules, his personal financial issues and him not contributing to household bills, things like that) but he just does not respond to anything I have tried. He says he cares and doesn't want to lose me, etc. but his actions show something different. I am going to try counseling as a last resort! Thanks again!
I have felt the way you
I have felt the way you feel.I tried to leave for 2 years and the last fight was in year 3. After that one I left and he did not stop me. Year 1 and 2 he promised he will work on things and understands. After year 3 he told me nothing will change and let me leave. I always shared my feelings and communicated and tried to work out a compromise. He was not ready for it and did not love me to do this for me after year 3- which was also the year of his graduation.
I am happy I left and have chance for a real family. I donot have kids and I am looking forward to meeting the right person and starting a family. A year later I realized that this is no way for a woman to live and I am worth it and deserve to be adored , respected, acknowledged and understood.
Thank you! Yes, you deserve
Thank you! Yes, you deserve better than that! I think I am at my breaking point with DH. I have tried soooo hard for so long and nothing has changed so I doubt anything will.