Sounds like he doesn't have time for anyone. He has kids all over, why does his daughter live with her aunt/uncle

A father and mother have a RIGHT to be as involved as they want in school functions. Yes, I think that it is "unreasonable" to think that someone who lives an hour or more away, who also doesn't get the information as far in advance as others, who just by the virtue of being a "man" is usually required to work and it is NOT as easy as for "women" to take off work to go to school things, they are given the short end of the stick. The fact is that most BMs use this "he's not that involved, I deal with the kids during the week", in order to make their own decisions about school and piss off dad. Period. Funny, if that's the case, then why the heck do they make the dads pay CS for while THEY have them? Because again, it's always about what is convenient to the BM. Period. Funny, but most of the time, the less involved a dad is in school issues, that actually WANTS to be involved, the crappier the kids turn out and the worse they do in school. Just a fact of life. At the end, these mothers are hurting their kids, once again, in their need for "control" of their kids and to piss of their ex.

If the teacher is willing, perhaps it would be better for DH to set up a time for a phone conference with the teacher rather than trying to schedule a trip for a face-to-face. I don't know if teachers do that, but if they schedule a face-to-face, I don't know why they wouldn't be willing just to do it by phone. If that doesn't work, maybe he could arrange for email reports when things are happening he should be aware of.

Honestly, in what we've been dealing with as far as schools, I've been very surprised at how difficult it is to be included or made aware of things that are going on. Sure, once DH can finally get the person on the line he needs to speak with, she's all about helping him be involved in what's happening, but as soon as they hang up it seems he's forgotten again.

It also doesn't help that BM is minimizing the importance of his involvement.

Like herewegoagain said, "Funny, but most of the time, the less involved a dad is in school issues, that actually WANTS to be involved, the crappier the kids turn out and the worse they do in school. Just a fact of life. At the end, these mothers are hurting their kids, once again, in their need for "control" of their kids and to piss of their ex."

It's all about power & control. If it's something a father WANTS it's something the BM is going to do all she can to keep from happening. And when the kid fails classes & ends up with behavior issues because BM won't parent her kid, she'll blame it all on the fact that "his father wasn't around. He wasn't involved like he should've been".

Since he is in contact with the school, I'd suggest he regularly check the schools online calendar most schools have them so he can try and plan in advance to be available for confrences. He's trying and I understand it's difficult with the distance. If he wants to be more involved he needs to be proactive in getting the info he needs, email the teacher at the beginning of every month to see what days/times there are things going on he can go to, see if the teacher is willing to set up a second or extra confrence with him (this is what my SO does since BM makes sure to schedule confrences when she knows he is at work) He's doing more than my exH and he lives 2 blocks from us so props to him for trying! ExH is stepping up more since I've made a point to send him the kids school work in a folder every week, he sees where they are at and I give him as much notice as I get on school events and such. It must be much harder when BM doesn't help dad be involved.

BM2 lives an hour away from us. We have full custody of SD9 and BM2 doesn't even know where she goes to school. We have sent fliers on the weekends with SD9 letting BM2 know when SD9 had a play or an event coming up, in case BM2 wants to attend. It's never happened.

Once a parent sets up a new franchise in a new city, it becomes hard to take time from that family to be involved in anything that isn't local. If the shoe were on the other foot, DH wouldn't go to BM2's city to do much with SD9's school, because he has kids here, as well as a job and other responsibilities. To be frank, he just wouldn't have time.

I'm so nervous about school in general.

It's completely up to the custodial parent as to how involved the other parent will be. Considering how BM doesn't even remember to give us the basic information about anything, I doubt she'll remember to keep SO up to date or involved.

Not to mention the school she wants to send him to had 13 assaults last year according to the district's website (its an elementary school)...damn there I go getting worked up when I need to take a step back and realize not my kid, not my choices.

My SD is far away and DH always had to fight to get info on her activities.

He drove HOURS and DAYS to performances, paid for trips and hotels we could not afford, etc. until SD stopped telling him about events because BM would get mad that he would come, and everyone could see, he is not the 'deadbeat' she claims he is!

We begged to get SD to live with us to have someone help her with her schoolwork and failing grades, which BM also blamed on DH somehow?! but she wouldn't because 'her mom needed her'? sick.

Oh well she barely graduated but that is just a minor point to BM? and SD only now sees how important a good education is.

My husband lives an hour away from his kids and works evenings so he is usually suppose to be at work during school functions. He tries to book the time off when he can so that WE can attend the function at the school. Sometimes it is not possible and we have explained that to the kids, but he always tries. If a school event is during school hours we always make it. In the past BM never told us about any school function. She would invite my husbands parents but neglect to tell us about the event. Forced us to go to the school directly and as it turns out, they have an email list and all school calendars, notices and permission forms go out via email as well as on paper to go home with the kids. So we were added to the email list and we get all notifications before they even arrive home with the kids that day. Helped out a lot.

I think that (as much as I have struggled with it also) being married to a man with kids from a previous relationship means that we as wives and step moms have to realize that we knew the man had kids before we married them. We knew the kids were a part of his life and that they deserve to be and he deserves to be as much a part of their lives as he wants. My husband is 100% devoted to his kids, both from his previous marriage and from our marriage. I sometimes do have a hard time with the amount of time his "first family" takes away from our family, but at the end of the day, if they were my kids I would be doing everything I could to make it to their events and activities.

If your husband is finding it hard to stay up to date with the kids school info, maybe approach the school and see if the teachers would be willing to email him once a week to keep him updated.

If you're having a difficult time with the lack of time you get to see your husband because of all of the driving back and forth, would it be possible to attend all of these events with him? If it's an hour away then that's an hour long drive one way that you two can have some one on one time conversations. My husband and I really value that time driving back and forth as relationship time. We find ourselves talking about things that we probably wouldn't have had we been sitting in the house with other things to distract us.

Also maybe the kids could get email so that they could stay in touch with their Dad better. It might help them feel he is more involved if he can send them and email and ask about their week, let them know in advance that he has tried but can't get the time off work to attend their game or school play, but to send him some pics of the event and tell him all about it when they get home from it. That way each party can manage to write when they get the time.

Also, as far as the kids not getting to come see their dad on his schd weekends, is that allowed in the custody agreement? Our agreement says that the kids are with us on ALL weekends and with their BM on weekdays. So if she wants to sign them up for something it has to be during the week. We can sign them up for things here on weekends. If something pops up that is on a weekend BM has to write us and ask us if we would mind. If we had solid plans for a trip or something we will say no, sorry. But if there is nothing going on we feel that it's just appropriate to let the kids attend a friends birthday party or whatever. But we won't go more than 1 weekend without seeing them.

Just some thoughts. Hope everything works out for you!