It may be becoming more and more common in today's world where priorities are all screwed up and people are confused about their roles as society changes faster than we can keep up. But it's not going to lead to a peaceful and stable home life. For ANYONE involved. Not your SO, BM, his family, the kids, and, most importantly (to me as a stepparent site member), YOU. There will be a lot of drama. And heartbreak, especially for the new partners, you and whoever BM dates. A lot of guilt and shame for feelings that any normal person would have in a given situation. 4 months in, it's not so weird that you haven't met his extended family, but it does not bode well that your SO has hidden your relationship with him from his family, and that his closest family seems to include his ex/baby mamma.

tl/dr - Girl run. You are young and child free. You can do better. 

Read through the many, many posts here, especially anything that has the two words RED FLAGS in it. Even in the best or most normal circumstances, a divorced guy with two young kids is a situation where the GF/SM is probably going to take some hits. With the ex being involved with his family & friends...not good. 

You are still young. My advice might sound a little harsh (maybe jaded), but I'd suggest you find someone with no kids. 

First flag for me is that he's paying their rent???? Does she not get Child Support??? Second flag is her over involvement in his family. While I enjoy a great relationship with my former husband and his wife, I am NOT at every family event. Third flag: his family doesn't know about you??? You not meeting the kids, I fully understand. Most of us here feel kids shouldn't be involved in a realtionship until there is a certainty of a union.

As everyone has said so far....just cull through some of the posts here. Unless this guy can get into counseling and learn proper parenting in "step land," you are if for a tough journey as most of us here. You are young....only 4 months in. I'd move on. 

Your insecurities are probably not that...it's your intuition telling you something is wrong. If you decide to stay, make sure to stay with us, too. You will need this group as you progress through StepHell, as I call it. These relationships CAN make it. Just know it will cost you dearly in time, emotions, finances, personal relationships. 

Best to you.

It might sound mean when people tell you to leave. But if I had known what I know now I would have paid attention to the red flags and never gotten my self into this mess. Especially if I was young like you. If you have time just read what people in here have posted. Steplife is very hard for most of us. 

You are young. Find someone with no kids and have a relationship that you can enjoy, without having to wonder, "Is this normal?"

You are not overthinking it.This guy is too enmeshed with the BM and she is too enmeshed with his family. This is going to cause A  LOT of problems. Right now, at 4 months in, you probably feel like you can't say much, so you put up with this, but it won't get better and you will grow resentful. Same with the financial situation. You can't really say anything about how he spends his money (paying her rent) but down the road, it WILL become an issue. Him jumping everytime the ex calls, WILL become an issue.

Don't think that the dynamic will change down the road because it won't.

She doesn't know he's in a relationship either. I guess I'm a bit insecure but our relationship is going well so far and we spend a lot of time together but it seems that as of right now he's trying to keep the family separate from our relationship.

This is such a huge red flag. There is a reason he is keeping you a secret.

He is not ready to move on and be in a relationship. Let him go and let him deal with his family how he sees fit, and you go live your life. This is not the guy (or the life) for you.

Is he obligated to pay her rent as part of their separation/divorce decree?  If not, why does he.. unless it's because they don't have one.. which is a huge problem and something he needs sorted out asap.

If you live local to his family... and she lives out of state.. that may be why she is present at things.. because she brings them.

But, it's not normal for your BF as a father to get his own kids and take his own kids to his family events.. why is BM doing it all?  does he even have visitation.. or is it at the whim of his EX whether she allows it.. and so it's conditional on him jumping to her beck and call.

Honestly.. with young kids.. and an overly enmeshed relationship with his EX.. and his family's love and connection for her .. I would throw this fish back.. too many red flags and mountains to overcome.

Has he "done the work" as we like to say here? The work of wrapping up his previous relationship and making room for a new relationship? Probably not because the divorce is relatively recent and he doesn't even know what the work is yet, and neither do you. Do you really want to spend years of your life trying to educate him on what you are instinctively already feeling?

I have a daughter close to your age. I would tell her to RUN. There is no reason why you need to play the role of 2nd wife and when you have kids they'll be part of the 2nd family. It's not fun. You deserve better.

OMG!!!!!!!!!!! You're only 26. Run!!!!!!!!!

You are close to my DD's age and I have told her many times right in front of my DH to never ever ever ever ever get with a man who already has brats with another woman. It's soooooooooooo not worth it. 

it's been almost three decades for me and not a day goes by that I don't regret walking away from my DH and getting with a man who didn't already have kids. In fact, just yesterday I was looking at houses in other provinces. I'm constantly planning my escape. 

There are sooooooo many issues like Mini-Wife Syndrome, Disneyland Dad Syndrome, high conflict golden uterus BMs, men who we say on here, "have not done the work" and are still emotionally married to their exes or who have left their balls in their exes purse. 

You'll be the bad guy. You'll have your head snapped off for daring to want your SO and his family to have boundaries with the ex as an ex. You'll hear all sorts of bullshit about how she's the mother of your SO's kids and she'll take top position and you'll be relegated to the "jealous evil SM." It sounds like BM is remaining relevant to your SO and everyone in his life. She's not going anywhere because everyone will feel sorry for her for being divorced with kids. Ask me how i know. Or you'll hear that she's family and always will be. 

After being with my DH for 25 years (this was a few years ago) I was still experiencing DH's family catering to BM and still worshipping that cheating skank. I was so sick and tired of her being the top dog when I was the one who was loyal to DH and been with him more than three times longer than she was. At what point does it end? My SKs were in their 30s, so the kid exccuse can't be used anymore. I decided that DH's family could no longer come to my house for holiday events and pointed out that they can always go to BM's. I haven't spoken to quite a few of them in about five years. 

Run fast and run far. Please walk away from this man. It's nothing less than soul-destroying to be in a relationship where you're always in a subservient role to another woman. Don't be a martyr SM to prove yourself either. It doesn't work. I had to go to intensive therapy for the last four years to not only heal from the trauma of such a dynamic, but I had to delve into what happened in my childhood that caused me to accept such a life for myself. And yes, I was actually diagnosed with trauma. Also, despite being an athlete all my life and health nut, I developed heart palpitations and constant migraines. My doctor told me that my so-called blended family and the stress I was experiencing was going to kill me. 

Please don't do this to yourself. Leave and find someone who will put you first as his number one lady and who won't tolerate anyone else taking that spot under the guise of brats. 

I can't tell you how upset I am reading your post about being a 26 year old in this tragic situation. 

Congrats on being smarter than me and doing your research BEFORE getting involved.

My advice, if you decide to stay....

Don't marry him or have a kid until you've been together long enough to realize both those things are a bad idea.

I'm agreeing with the others that you should probably throw this one back.  It's hard to do if the relationship is going well but your intuition is sending you messages.

 Here's another way to look at it.  Successful step relationships happen when the man "has done the work,".  That means he has established a successfil, independent life after his divorce.  He has a legal document specifying exactly how much he pays, paying on time but he doesn't pay for anything else.  He has a workable, businesslike relationship with BM but nothing further like her home maintenance, emergencies or shared holidays.  He has a suitable home with the necessities for child visitation, like beds, refrigerator, etc.  He parents his kids as a dad does instead of being a "Disney Dad" with continual toys and fast food.  He demands behavior, hygiene and respect.

If a man hadn't "done the work", life is very difficult for any woman coming into the situation.  The kids resent a newcomer diverting dad's attrntion and BM becomes difficult in many ways   just read around on Steptalk and you'll see.

You ask "is this normal?". It's normal for a man who hasn't done the work.

Is he has a court appointment for setting the C.support. $.   How. Are they going to handle the family home.  [if he's paying her rent how is he going to support your family ].  Did he tell his in-laws he's in a new relationship and not to invite the ex to any family events.   He must stop flying out to see the kids [ and ex] .  Kids fly in to see him, or he picks them up. 
 

This is a screw up relationship with the ex.   Read these boards. You are not in a unique situation. Other people are unset being in the same situation.   If he wants to be in a new relationship. There are certain things he must do.  First is to break off the ex relationship.   He must tell the family not to invite the ex.  Or break off relationship with his family.   
 

To be blunt...Run don't walk.

I'm married 13 years to the Love of My Life and if I could go back in time and know what I know now, I'd have told myself to Run ! 

Life is too short. I wouldn't have listened to me back then, but with time and experience I promise you, its the most sane choice. You can and will find a better situation and not be left to fight for the next 15+ years over so much stuff you can't even fathom yet. Every birthday, every lost piece of clothing, OMG I can't even tell you the minutiae of things that add up over the years. Stuff you will never see coming and your life will revolve around and be wasted on.

Good Luck to you whatever you choose.  

I echo what the other posters are saying here.  Run like your butt is on fire!!!  Red flags everywhere.  BM being at every family event, not normal in my book.  My parents were married for 20 years but my mother never went to my dad's family things after they divorced.  Why would she?  She wasn't married to my dad anymore.  They still loved her but never acted like she had the golden uterus.  If Dad didn't live locally, she probably would have dropped us off and picked us up later, or allowed one of Dad's family members to drive us.  She trusted his family, there would have been no need for her to stick around.  He paid child support, which helped her pay the bills.  He did help cover the bills for repairs a time or two, but I think it may have been in the divorce decree.  She NEVER called him for minor things.  She kept me and my siblings in line, never needing to call him to straighten us out.  She knew what it meant to be divorced and independent.  She's still very independent in her 70's.

Society will tell you that the kids come first, that the ex is their mother and you have to keep the peace with the ex because it's "good for the kids".   They'll say you're insecure and you need therapy.  Reality is this:  Kids' NEEDS come first.  Boundaries are your friend.  Keeping the peace only starts a war within yourself and with your SO.  You WILL resent him and the ex for that  " keeping the peace " nonsense.  You may be insecure, but that's because this relationship is not secure.  It's not normal to be afraid to tell your ex you've moved on.  It's not normal for the ex to be so enmeshed with him and his family.  It's not normal for an ex to be so dependent on their ex to take care of every little inconvenience. When you split from someone, you don't rely on them to fix your problems.  You're not the one who needs therapy.  The ex needs to learn some independence.  The guy needs to learn how to set boundaries.  I don't get guys like this. I mean, why split from the BM if you're going to stay so enmeshed with her?  

I'd throw this one back.  You're young, there are plenty of 20 something young men without the baggage of an overly enmeshed needy ex and young children.  Find you one.  This guy hasn't gotten the memo that an ex is an ex.  

I already commented but the money flying out the window in relation to your SO and his ex with rent and no court order will cost YOU and your future kids. When I met my DH I told him on the third date my dealbreaker was not owning a home. My first and foremost goal was to own. Well, I couldn't buy a damn house until I was 50 years old because money flew out of DH's hands that he didn't have to pay. And it was a lot of it. My DH worked double hours so I didn't get to have a fulsome marriage. It was our DD24 who got ripped off because I alone had to foot the bill for a lot of things because my DH spent so much on my SKs. 

There are soooooooooooooooooooooooooo many costs that SMs have to pay when their SO has not done the work. 
 

Also, what you're feeling now, like a third wheel is how I found out my DD felt. She's in therapy now. So, if you have kids the dynamics you're living now will be the very dynamics that your kids will live with. I cannot forgive myself for that. 

He's paying her rent and she's at every family event. 

They are still emotionally married.

Drop him like a hot rock. You're much too young for all of the red flags and drama and future heartache that WILL happen. 

There are plenty of men your age who don't have all of this baggage.

Sorry, you did come here to ask the question "is this normal", and I came back with that response.

Answer: In a dysfunctional stepworld it is normal. In the world at large, no not normal.

I agree with everyone that this sounds like it could easily become a really lousy relationship for you. But I'm curious about a few things.

How long have they been divorced/living apart? 

Why did they divorce? Who wanted out? 

Has he flown back to see them while you've been together? 

You are in a little late regarding SKid ages regarding optimal SParent life/relationship outcomes.

My DW and I met when my SKid was 15mos old. My bride had full physical and legal custody and was out of State attending university with a toddler on her hip when we met.  We never lived closer to 1200 miles to SpermLand.

That said, there are a ton of Red Flags as you have already been told. One big one is your use of the term "when they separated".  It sounds to me that they are not fully divorced. There is also no Court Order. A CO is the foundation of maintaining accountability for both sides in a blended family opposition environment.

The close bond between BM and your SO's family must end and end immediately.  If it doesn't, don't waste your time with this shit show.

Think with your brain and not your tingly bits or the fee fees associated with the early passion in a relationship. Those are not decisioning tools.  Even if this is your first, this is his follow up relationship. 2nd marriages fail at a rate of 70%.  Though not necessarily your second marriage, it is his. So, the odds are not high for a durable outcome for you in this.

He is already placating his XW. Odds are, that will never stop and will grow far worse over time.

The basics IMHO have to be that ....1. He has zero interface with his XW other than regarding the SKids.  Z.E.R.O.  2. He immediately gets a CO setting his CS level, his visitation schedule, etc... and he follows and enforces it to the letter.  3.He immediately informs his family that his XW is no longer part of the family and during his visitation time he nor his kids will be at any family event that she is present for. If his family chooses her over him, so be it.  He gets his kids per the visitation schedule and that time is not spent with his family. If they make their choice and that choice is BM, then they have to live that choice.

4. Never. N.E.V.E.R live in the same State with BM. Ever.  That is one of the critical success factors of the close blended family relationship that my bride, our son (My SS-32 who asked me to adopt him when he was 22), and I have. The SpermClan was contained to living in SpermLand and we lived all over the country and the world. 

You and your relationship have to be the sole top priority for your SO. Kids are not the priority. Minor children are the top responsibility for the partners regardless of who spawned the spawn.  Never mistake that a priority and a responsibility are two very different things.

Establish firm standards of behavior and standards of performance for those in your life including your SO, his baggage children, his family, and yours.  Tolerate no violations of those standards.

If you cannot do that, don't waste your time with this shit show and get on with living your best life. Living well is what we each owe ourselves. It is also the best revenge when we run into the invariable shit show of a blended family relationship when our SO can't keep their baggage in it's place.

Take care of you.

Are you sure he’s really divorced?

What makes this guy a great catch for you?

You deserve better. There are a lot of red flags. You are young. I would end it before the kids get attached. Nonetheless, I am sorry that you are in this situation.