He's 16 years old... HELL YEAH I'd want an apology too!

But him not coming back, well depends on what the courts say about that. Not his decision, and so be it. You know what my DH says all the time...

"If [SS] acted/turned into a punk a$$, disrespecting teen, he can stay with his mom."

There is no way I would put up with lazy bum attitude... no way. At 16 years old, you know well enough the rules, boundaries, and how to clean up after yourself. I mean, spaghetti sauce on the carpet... my SS would be SWEATING and SCRUBBING the carpet all freakin night if he did that ON HIS OWN... he's only 11.

I think his behavior is disrespectful and he should apologize for it. I also think there should be some major consequences for it too.

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

Had it been me, I'd have told this kid point blank that he is not to borrow MY things without first asking permission and that if he intends to continue coming into MY home, then he must clean up after himself. That's a no-brainer for a kid half his age. It's so hard, as a SM, to know when to speak up and when to let DH handle it. I think when the problem, whatever it may be, affects YOUR belongings, YOUR health, YOUR happiness, YOUR home, YOUR family, then you have just as much right to speak up as the kids' biological parents do. It's your home, too, and you have equal rights there. YOU have the right to protect YOUR belongings in YOUR home. Sorry, I get so mad sometimes!

~ Anne ~

"The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there." ...Anonymous

I heartily agree with Stepmom and Anne about SMs having the right to speak up. Do it! Respectfully, I'm with Janice on the kicking out issue. The poor behavior sounds like typical teenage behavior to me. It should totally be addressed, but I would never choose the option of telling a child he or she is not welcome in my home unless he or she posed a danger to me or others. There are other disciplinary measures that can send the correct message. Ejecting a child doesn't address poor behavior, doesn't help the child grow and learn. It plants evil seeds. My mother kicked me out when I was 16--the situation was more egregious (and she was not blameless, by any means)--but after having been ejected from a home I would heartily discourage anyone from taking this route unless the situation is intolerable. It took years to repair the damaged relationship with my mother--sad, lost years--and even today the peace is a tentative one. Don't get caught up in the emotion of the moment. Think long-term and be open to constructive solutions. And cherish your family, despite the big and small problems.

I know I don't know the whole story; I only know the little snippet on this blog. I completely respect and empathize the deep pain that being disrespected in your own home causes. My opinion and experiences are offered respectfully, in the hopes of benefiting the teen and the family unit.

I believe that this problem is one that will never be simplified with one instance of discipline. I just want to add one thing to my original post...

Since this has been going on for 1 1/2 years, it's pretty clear that you're in a power struggle with this kid. No matter of discipline, and I question if you truly are using the RIGHT discipline since it appears nothing is working, will ever work at this point... in less you can get something of value/interest to him that will get his attention.

Now, before I go further, I would like to ask a few more questions...

Do you criticize him regularly? Do you acknowledge him for any accomplishments, or anything he may find interesting that was challenging for him to do? Do you encourage him or support him in a hobby, sport, or interest?

Why I'm asking is because to truly address an issue, and it's clear to me now that I need a little more info, but I am wondering if he's feeling not only powerless, but unappreciated, not valued or worthy.

Sometimes, when standard approaches don't work, you have to reevaluate the situation- and that means US- the parents. I also wonder if you were to take a positive approach, meaning, implement a full fledge campaign to acknowledge this kid for doing things RIGHT, putting his dishes away, hell- brushing his teeth, helping with the laundry, dishes, saying hello, thank you, etc. whatever simply little gesture you can get out of him for the start- "Why, thank you, SS, that was nice." "SS, fabulous job". And you know, he'll roll his eyes, and maybe even stomp his feet, huff and puff, say "whatever", etc... but the point is, he heard you. You're communicating now. Slowly, but surely, you may even be able to sit down with him and have a conversation and found out why he is so angry. It will not be easy, no. And the truth of the matter is, I can see the point that others make about 'rejecting' a child. I'm on the fence with this, but my DH is very adamant about SS living with his mother if he is such a bear in our home... reason being is because we don't allow this in our home, and if it got to such a point where it was so grossly out of control, disrespectful and disruptive, than we have failed to do our job in the first place. I don't think we will be own the road... oh yes, we will have a few duking it out moments, I'm sure, but that's all teens and all teens push the boundaries.

Hey, Biomom... sadly, the prisoners really DO run the prison... at least in our state they do thanks to the 9th circuit court... Boy, can I tell you stories... it's so sad, it's not about staff safety anymore, it's all about the inmates, their comfort and their needs... and did you know that they have more rights and privileges than we do as citizens? It's a sad sad sad state of affairs, I'm afraid, and it's about to get worse.

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

We're sitting here trying to come up with ways to discipline a 16 year old child, but really, the discipline should've come in during infancy. He's at the age now where strategies we'd use on younger children, or on children who have progressed with us through the years to this point, will not work. Maybe it would help to approach it the way you would approach a poor relationship with another adult. What's his currency? What does he value? At this age, it almost has to be about positive reinforcement rather than punishment, because that just drives them away. Of course, there have to be consequences for actions, but there's got to be a way to make bad behavior less desirable.

I don't know... "You're almost an adult and maybe it's time we started treating you more as an adult, rather than as a child. Here's what we expect from adults who visit our home..." That kind of thing. He's probably developing quite an ego at this age, too. Like StepMom says, stroking it may help get his attention in a positive way.

~ Anne ~

"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)

Lovers do not finally meet somewhere, they were with each other all along.

This is what came from about 2 weeks of my encroaching on my bd's(now 19)room and things.For some time my daughter thought she could just use my things without asking, make messes without cleaning up, come and go as she wished,ect. ect. So I started doing the same things to her. I took her stereo and moved it to my room to listen to it, I would go take some of her makeup and not return(making her come to me looking for it) I would see her pulling in from being off somewhere and I would run to her room and get on her computer, be looking in her closet, taking a pair of socks out of her drawers(just having a reason to be in her room going through her things without permission). After enough of her griping about me doing the things I was doing, envading her privacy, using her things, we(her and I ) sat down and drew up a list of What she wanted from me and what I wanted from her, For each item she listed, I listed one that I wanted and we agreed that in order for her to get what she wanted, she had to give me what I wanted in return...our list ended up being a total of 18 items from each of us, and then we signed and made a copy for each of us to keep...A formal agreement if you will. For each item that she overstep her boundaries with me agian, that meant I could overstep in return my corresponding item..ex: She took my makeup without returning it, I would do the same to her. If something of mine got damaged or lost, oops, so did something of her's. If she had been in my room without permission, well then I would hanging out in her's for whatever reason as well...It didnt take long in our home for established boundaries regarding cleaning, privacy or the like to come into effect. Just a different route you might like to try as well. Rememeber, from 16 and up, teenagers are trying to become adults and inso believe they can do things the way they want without regard to others...In drawing up a contract with the teenager, you are recognizing their growing up and at the same time having them recognize your rights as an adult in the home as well.