Not sure where I fit...
Ill try to be concise with this...
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 years. He has a 9 year old daughter who he has not seen since she was 2. Her mother has full custody. In the time we have been together he has been actively trying to be involved. Mom never really comes up with a good reason why, but says she doesn't know him now, she thought he wouldn't come back, etc. we now have twin daughters together. We always said they would know about their sister and they ask about her all the time. It's to the point now where phone calls are ignored, texts never get response, packages and letters get returned. She used to humor dad with a convo once a year when he would try to call for birthday. But he doesn't get photos or any information. We know her birthdate and how old she is obviously. His whole side of the family wants their granddaughter, neice, cousin to be in their life and she treats them the same as dad when they attempt to talk to her. My boyfriend struggles with this daily. I want nothing more than this void to be filled for him and his family. We are in the process of saving up for a family law attorney to get a modification on the case, but we live paycheck to paycheck do its long away. I just don't know where I fit into this whole situation. I want to attempt to reach out to her again but I don't even know what to say. The last time she came to my job and told me she wanted us to all be on a good page and that the past was in the past and that she didn't want her daughter to resent her for jotting allowing dad in her life. She told me to tell my boyfriend to contact her. When he did she told him she never said any of that. So she is manipulative I guess and wants to be in complete control. I just need something, anything. I obsess about this issue and just don't know what to think or feel anymore.
What is pro se filings and
What is pro se filings and what would the clinic provide? He already pays child support, so that's not an issue.
Thank you that could be
Thank you that could be helpful. The case is in FL so I will have to do some research on this.
So you don't think it's
So you don't think it's important for her to have a relationship with a whole side of her family or sisters?
That might be your experience
That might be your experience but it certainty isn't everyone's.
I suspect there will come a time when the mother has to pay for alienating this child. They usually do. Sometimes it takes years, but it does happen.
My cousin's late husband was in the same situation. The little girl was told her father was a low life that didn't want her. Until middle school she believed everything she was told. Then she met a couple classmates that knew him. They told her what a nice, loving, cool guy he was.
It took another 6 yrs, until she was almost an adult to seek him out and find the truth. He died of cancer only a couple yrs after they connected. She no longer speaks to her mother.
My other daughter was severely alienated. We had no contact for many yrs. When she finally realized her mother lied for most of he life she walked away. She lives with us now, and has minimal contact with her mother.
The truth always comes out. The kid might be a self centered bitch by the it happens but lies always come out
I think she should have a
I think she should have a relationship. BUT at her age and by the sounds of how manipulative BM is...it is going to be nearly impossible to do so. My advice is take it very very slowly...let DAD take the forefront in this. Your presence should not be felt by BM as it will only make things worse.
From experience...if BM doesn't support a healthy relationship with BD and SM...it isn't going to happen.
Sueu2 is 100% right on this.
Sueu2 is 100% right on this. For those of us that have lived this nightmare, fighting the fight to help our SO/DH to get their kids, it's really a losing battle. Sadly the SM is the one to suffer the most in the end, IMO.
Do you really know what you
Do you really know what you are asking for?
This girl is a stranger. You could pass her on the street and not even know who she is.
However what you are asking for is a child who has no idea about you or her sisters or her grandparents to accept you all with smiles and tears and to say "Wow! What a wonderful family I have!". She won't. She will be shy and resentful being MADE to be with people she doesn't know.
Why are you telling your twins about someone they don't know? Yes she is their half sister. But why are you teasing them with someone they are never likely to see? It is like saying "Look! We will get you a puppy one day! A puppy to play with and be your friend!" Yet you never get the puppy.
There isn't any timeline at present to plan for. And this has to be entirely driven by your boyfriend. Has he been paying Child Support? Are you prepared for that to come out of your household income every month AND you would have to feed and clothe her while she is there?
What if her mother drops her off one day and says "She is wild. Your turn!" And takes off? You get left with a trainwreck of a child. When the time comes she will look for her father. At that time she can ask why he didn't do blah blah blah. And he can honestly say "Your mother didn't want me in your life."
If this woman turns up at work again direct her to your boyfriend You do not have any legal position to act on his behalf. And frankly if she wants him to see his daughter he will probably have to start paying for it.
I want nothing more than this
I want nothing more than this void to be filled for him and his family.
YOU can't fill the void. Support whatever your BF wants to do but you can't do it for him. Stop contacting BM, leave that for your BF.
What has he been doing the past 6 years to try to "actively" be involved? He should have been filing contempt charges, if he has legal visitation.
Just know, that forcing oneself into a child's life after 6 years of no contact can backfire.
Twinmommy, I think your heart
Twinmommy, I think your heart is in the right place. But it looks to me like you are a "fixer." You want to do this for your BF. If you do X, then BF will be happy. You're setting yourself up for disaster.
Your BF doesn't appear to have done anything for himself for the six years of no contact. If he truly wanted this child in his life, he would have stepped up and figured out what to do and done something. You can't, and shouldn't, make it happen for him. If he is so helpless now that he can't figure out what to do, then imagine him as a parent to a child he doesn't even know.
Have you taken on a project instead of a BF? I'm not saying the little girl shouldn't have her dad in her life. No, she should. But your BF, the Dad, sure isn't doing anything to BE the dad. He's relying on you. And you have gladly taken on the role so you can fix things for him. Step out of the fixer role and see what happens.
Twinmommy - There are
Twinmommy - There are probably more than a few on this board that have done this.
We wanted to help him, to fix things for them, to show how much we loved him, to ease their "pain", etc. I'm sure lots of reasons. From my perspective I can tell you I would NEVER advise anyone to do this. When the counselor (one of many we've seen) asked why I helped DH fight for his child, I said I never thought he'd win, I had never heard of a man winning. Well my bad.
I was naïve, I didn't have this site to gain knowledge and advice from. It has made my life 100% more difficult. I should have let DH fight his own battle, and if he didn't get to see his child or get custody, it would be on him. Many men don't have the fight in them to do it. I didn't know that at the time.
Seriously you should just leave it alone and let your SO/DH do what he feels best, but do not do it for him. Let him fight this one himself.