Not sure where to start
Hello All
Im not really sure where to start. I've been with my partner for 5 years. My kids are in their early 20s and away at college living independently. His son is 9 and he's known me for the past 4 years.
my biggest problem is he has NO manners. His mother allows and enables a "sassy" attitude as he calls it. Which I call rude and obnoxious. I have to remind him to say please and thank you and to be polite to servers or store cashiers etc. My partner will often not correct his behavior unless I am there since I'm usually the one that will say "hey that's not appropriate". My kids were taught from early on to be polite and mannerly so this kind of nonsense is driving me nuts.
He also watches YouTube for hours on end. Literally hours. I enforce a two hour screen time limit when I am home but if I'm not there he just sits in front of the tv like a zombie. I came home after work last night and he was on the sofa slack jawed, glassy eyed. He had watched 9.5 hours of YouTube garbage that day! Literally all day. It infuriated me and when I asked both him and my partner if he watched tv all day they both said "well not ALL day". Ugh!!
its really driving me nuts. This kid is babied by both of his parents, my partner still goes into his bedroom at bedtime to sing him to sleep. He waits on the kid hand and foot like he's a short order cook (unless I'm home and I'm like hey you can make your own lunch/snack/clean up after yourself etc).
hes also not vaccinated for anything which terrors me with the resurrection of polio, measles etc as his mother follows the medical medium and ascribes to a lot of loony garbage. I work in healthcare so I see a lot of worst case scenarios. She actually said two years ago when we had active polio cases in our area "well I gave him the homeopathic remedy for polio so I think he's maybe 60% covered for that".
He also when he is playing talks about death and things like this. "Ha I chopped your head off, take that" etcwhich his mother says is boy behavior but I raised 3 of my own children and that's definitely not normal. He also still wets the bed on occasion which I've said has been often enough to mention to his pediatrician but but neither parent is worried.
so I'm here for some support and advice and hopefully words of wisdom. Otherwise I'm at a loss and I will turn off the WiFi in the house next times he's over!
How is it you ended up being
How is it you ended up being the person who seems to be doing most of the (real) parenting? How often is he at your house? Why is the bad behavior your problem? Do you feel like your corrections have had any impact on him the past years (half his life!)? I'm sorry! What would happen if you stopped doing anything toward/for/about this child? Would your partner step in? If not, are you willing to "handle" all of this for the next 9, 10, 11 years?
Thank you for the reply. My
Thank you for the reply. My partner lost his parents at a young age so I feel he doesn't really have the experience of having his own parents raising him/rules/etc so I cut him some slack there. He is at our house every second weekend, often for 1-2 nights during the week and weeklong or more stretches when he is out of school.
I do not allow bad behavior around me because I'm just not willing to out up with it or be embarrassed by his behavior.
he's actually really a pleasure when we have him for stretches and rules are enforced and there is a positive structure.
My partner and I have had multiple conversations about this, he however can't be consistent. Am I willing to "handle" it? I don't want to have to and I am already resentful of having to. So it can't get better unless my partner gets his act together
I'm the SParent in the CP
I'm the SParent in the CP side of the blended family equation.
I handled this with "If you do not like how I parent and discipline then you can step up and get it done before I have to. If you don't step up then you can bite your tongue, have my back, and we can discuss it in private with just the two of us. You will not undermine me when I am the one parenting and disciplining because you don't want to do it."
It worked for us. As SS grew up and his mom started taking on an increasing presence in discipline, he would beg me to take it back over. "Dad, can you just discipline me please. You tell me what I did wrong, apply consequences, then we get on with life. Mom lectures, and lectures, and lectures, and tortures me for weeks. Then when I think we are past it, she brings it up again even if I haven't done that thing again."
Sorry kid, I have your mom's back on this. Talk to her.
Solid! We've had a good talk
Solid! We've had a good talk and are on the same page or at least he says we are. The proof will be in the pudding!
It’s not saying much about
Your DH parenting . He's a bad father
Would DH allow his child to
Would DH allow his child to disrespect another adult? A family member? If his answer is no then why does he make exceptions for you ? He should be ashamed of how his kid acts not bury his head in the sand. You have a man problem. I'd think long and hard about spending any more of your precious lifetime in this hot mess. You've launched your kids. You know this one won't launch. Why stick around for it? Life is short. Lots of men out there who do parent. Or don't have kids. Find one of them.
I would label it a non-man
I would label it a non-man problem, Since this guy is clearly no man.
Honestly, if my husband had
Honestly, if my husband had been this kind of parent and his kid was horrible, I wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with him.
The kid was 5 when I met him
The kid was 5 when I met him and wasn't so bad then. And we had been dating a year when I did meet him. This is the result of 9 years of terrible parenting.
Would your husband take a
Would your husband take a parenting class? If you say he lacks the knowledge and skills because of his upbringing, is he willing to put effort in to gaining them?
I can understand
That your DH wants to have fun in the limited time he has DS. That he doesn't want to be the punishment house. He must figure out a way to teach his DS the meaning of manners and respect. DS wants to be respected ! that everyone including DS should be respected. That means. Saying " good morning "'. To start with. It's just wasn't taught,,
Harry yes! Respect for
Harry yes! Respect for everyone is what this all revolves around. DH and I had a lengthy talk about this last night which ended positively. He says things will be different so I am hopeful.
Good luck!!!
Theres a saying here that is often repeated on posts such as these (that I need to say to myself)
"you cannot care more than the bio parents about" - fill in the blanks.
Manners, food, education, electronics use. If bio parents dont care if SS is a rude mo fo, you should not be "stepping in". They will eventually blame you and resent you...so get your partner to step up more...and call him out each time he is not consistent.
That's an excellent saying. I
That's an excellent saying. I mean it's so true. Why do I care more than his parents? It's more that I refuse to allow anyone around me to be a jerk so I do t plan on letting him be a rude entitled fella.
that was something we talked about last night. I said I can't be the enforcer all of the damn time, it's not fair and it ends up with your kid resenting me which is not fair. You step up and parent or I will not be sticking around for the fallout when he becomes a truly rotten tween.
when he becomes a truly
...and/or adult. Use (many of) us as examples of what becomes of poor pwecious coddled COD. They turn into s**** adults who no one likes (except toxic BMs) and no one wants to be around (except toxic BMs, and even they have their limits). Truly. These kind of children in these situations grow into adult aholes and make themselves and everyone around them miserable. I can attest to this!
Yep I see it coming! Ugh!
Yep I see it coming! Ugh!
Ultimately.. since your
Ultimately.. since your partner doesn't care.. there is little to nothing you can do.. you can choose to stay in the situation.. or leave.
Even if he seems to agree with you on things.. he is only agreeing to appease you.. not because he thinks it's all that important.
I don't think losing his parents at a young age is much of an excuse.. unless your partner has a ton of flaws.. how did he learn to be a decent human being? ... it's probably easier if your parents are present.. but understanding how not to be a little jerk.. well.. there are people besides your parents that will make that clear.
I feel it's more he didn't
I feel it's more he didn't have the experience of having his parents around. But your absolutely right there are so many other ways of knowing how to go thru life not being a horror.
My DH is a great guy but too much appeasing/avoid conflict type. Which is why he struggles to discipline the kid. I told him he's gotta get the heck over that and quick.
Love is blind
I know when we think we love someone we ignore and make excuses for their bad behavior. Believe me, as a step mom to an 18 year old about to graduate and get- the- F-out of my house, it is not worth it'. Bio parents too often don't want to parent because of guilt or just being a POS without a clue or a care. You get one life, do you really want to waste it on this crap that is never going to get better? Quit making excuses for him and think about you. Is this really how you want to spend whatever time you have in this life? Probably not. Go out and make a life for yourself without all the baggage.
For the step kids it isn't any fun either to have a step parent, in most cases. I've learned this the hard way. There are some amazing step-families out there but it is rare and they don't have the issues you are having. It's ok to correct a mistake and take back your life.
We had a lengthy discussion
We had a lengthy discussion about all of this. He's gotta back up his words with actions now. If he does t, then I'm out.
Preach! My step kids are
Preach! My step kids are turning into toxic assholes thanks to BM's lack of parenting and DH having no idea until I showed him the way. I have babies with DH so I install respect so they can see I'm not a push over and stuck up for themselves. Skids hate it but you are doing the right thing! I am always catching myself caring more than the bio parents and it's because I'm a naturally caring and empathetic person. So when I do alot and get disrespected, I find it so hard. I can emphasise with your frustration.
Thank you for the reply and
Thank you for the reply and sharing your experience. It's nice to not feel alone in this!
Not being shown how is no
Not being shown how is no excuse for not figuring it out. Particularly for an adult. Research, ask someone, analyze outcomes and adjust when something does not deliver the desired result, etc....