Ok tell me about “Milestones”
I hear people on here talking about step kids meeting certain "milestones" and if they don't there will be problems when they become adults. I never had any children of my own so don't know WHAT milestones SS13 should be meeting and when???? As a 13 year old what would be normal milestones for him now and as he goes through the teen years???As I posted in my last post SS13 is VERY Immature, self-centered, spoiled, lazy and RUDE.
DH is "hoping" SS13 will move in with us when he turns 18(HORRORS) and so far SS13 is all for this(Unfortunately)
Ive informed DH SS13 WILL not be living with us rent free AND will be required to help around the house. This alone should be enough to Discourage lazy SS. BM will always let him live rent free with her. Just in case this falls through for SOME reason I have plan B already planned. MOVING! I love the northeast and DH hates the southern heat so DH and I( my idea) plan on moving up north once SS13 turns 18. Now SS would NEVER ever want to leave mommy so this is Guaranteed to keep SS from moving in with us. DH and I will be moving 4 states up from where we are now. Enough distance to prevent SS from making Quick weekend visits.
For example - my SS20 who is
For example - my SS20, who is currently in Failure to Launch at BM's - never learned to do homework independently. BM coddled and helped until she finally just did nothing once she had him 100% - then they put him in a special program that coddled and helped until they finally shoved him out the door with a diploma.
He has never had a job.
He does not have a driver's license.
BM never, ever pushed him to overcome fears or be more independent. DH tried, but BM painted him as a big meanie and eventually alienated SS entirely.
"Milestones" SS13 should be
"Milestones" SS13 should be capable of at this age:
Bathing
Fixing food or snacks
Cleaning his room
Laundry
Dishes
Taking out the trash
Cleaning up after himself after eating
Brushing his teeth
Being able to be left alone for periods of time with out needing intervention
Wiping his own a$$
I'm just gonna take a stab here, I'm guessing your SS probably hasn't met any of these "milestones"
My SSs are 14 and they can do
My SSs are 14 and they can do 3.5 of these (0.5 because sometimes they bath on their own - one likes taking baths - and sometimes they have to be reminded that they smell bad and it's time for a shower...with soap). The others they can do are fixing food on their own (although they make a mess doing so) and being left alone without intervention. I also assume they can wipe their own ass, because that has never been requested. My DH's 10 almost 11 year old nephew can't wipe his own ass.
My SS could do laundry and
My SS could do laundry and dishes, but he had to be ordered to bathe and brush his teeth. BM did make him do chores since she's lazy and didn't want to do them.
Let’s see...
Bathing-ONLY if BM reminds him. Refuses to at our house. I don't care as SS likes to "stand" in the shower for 20 plus minutes and we pay for our water. Let him waste BM's $$$
Fixing food or snacks-50/50 but only easy Microwave stuff
Cleaning his room-nope
Laundry-lol almost peed myself with this one. Don't think he even knows where the washing machine is
Dishes- nope. Won't even put his dishes in the dishwasher
Taking out the trash-nope never
Cleaning up after himself after eating-MAYBE bring his dish to the kitchen
Brushing his teeth-once a weekend and only after DH reminds him hundred times
Being able to be left alone for periods of time with out needing intervention-only once in a great while. Not because SS gets scared but gets bored after a hour
Wiping his own a$$- we got a winner! This he can do! How well I'm not sure
One of my SSs has attempted
One of my SSs has attempted to do laundry on a few occassions, but that usually involves running the machine with one sock in it (not an exaggeration) or something similar. I have now banned him from doing laundry as the last time he did it he managed to break my washer, which fortunately was still under warranty and could be fixed for free.
My SSs are both 14. They have
My SSs are both 14. They have never been much for trying at school. Rather, BM removes obstacles and insists their grades are adjusted to As/Bs, even if they haven't learned anything. At my house, they are pretty helpless and can't even figure out how to find a restroom at a public place without help. Not sure if that is learned helplessness with DH or if they are like that with BM.
They will not be moving in with us. They already think that I'm too "strict", because I expect them to pick up their own trash and don't allow them to wrestle in the house.
Our plan is also to move once they become adults. I am currently on the opposite side of the country from my family and miss having my support network close by every day. DH's family doesn't provide support, they just seem to provide demands and it's exhausting. If either or both SSs want to come with us, that's fine, but they will be getting a job and contributing to our household. No freeloaders.
Here are a couple of lists I
Here are a couple of lists I found, they are more general than specific but do cover different age ranges. Personally I think that developing independence of action and thought is more important than necessarily knowing how to do all the household chores and drive a car etc. Kids who can think for themselves and act independently will find a way around the problem, seek out sources of information or ask for help to learn specific skills when they find that they need them. Kids who lack independance will ask mom or dad to do the chores and drive them places.
https://www.understood.org/pages/en/learning-thinking-differences/signs-....
https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/childdevelopment/positiveparenting/adolescenc...
I think a lot of children of divorce slip through the cracks
because neither parent is fully focused on parenting.
I also have no bios, and was shocked at how stunted YSD14 was when she came to live with us. Her hygiene was poor - she did not brush her teeth or bath regularly - but was already on birth control and applied makeup with a heavy hand. She did not know how to do laundry, cook, or anything about nutrition She was behind scholastically, did not know how to study independently, did not read for pleasure. YSD had never played any team sports and had few friends. ZERO motivation. The only things her mother had taught her was how to be a parasite and how to attract a man.
I made it my JOB to prepare her for adulthood, but at fourteen she was pretty set in her (bad) habits. I've employed hundreds of teens and young adults over the years, kids who were bright, personable and motivated who eagerly moved forward through life. But we had to push YSD forward. She didn't want to get a part time job or babysit, she didn't want to get her driver's license ... in some ways she was far older than her years, and in others she wanted to stay a kid forever.
Kid have to be PUSHED, guided, and taught. Unfortunately, a lot of that goes out the window once the parents split.
The behavioral and skill
The behavioral and skill milestone other people mentioned are good. Basically.. what would you expect an adult to do.. feed themselves.. keep themselves clean.. keep their posessions in tact.. pay their bills. There are things that need to happen to lay that groundwork when they are minors so that they understand how to "adult".
I really hate to say it but you are very likely to be sorely disappointed in your plans that you will be able to move. When the hammer meets the nail your DH will find it difficult to move from his kid.. and his "life" where you are.. heat or no.
And.. he is salivating over having his kid with him FT right? Do you really think he will set rules that will make SS choose mom instead? you can try to insist on rent.. but when it comes down to it.. he will make excuses.. "Oh.. SS doesn't earn enough to afford it".. "SS is taking 2 classes at CC.. so he really can't work"... "My parents helped me when I was his age."... "we need to give him some time to find a job".. etc...
This is a story line as old as the hills on here. If the kid isn't making meaningful strides towards being a self sufficient adult in the next few years.. he won't magically develop into one as an 18 yo.
Once you've been here long
Once you've been here long enough you start to see correlations between certain type of parenting (lack thereof or codependent) that almost always results in the same type of skid. Most skid problems here have been vented about before and most of us who have been here for a while can spot the pattern the skid is going down. There's also regular child milestones that all kids can be applied to and if you apply your skid to those average standards and they can't do those basic things then it's common sense to expect them to be delayed especially with launching into adulthood.
By the age of 13, a child
By the age of 13, a child should be able to clean and decorate their own room, all by themselves. Dust, vacuum, etc. They should be able to take care of their own hygiene- and because of the sensitive age, they should want to, especially girls.
They should be able to do a lot of chores, everything from laundry to sweeping to cleaning bathrooms. They should be able to cook at least a few meals.
Oh, and they should be able to use a mop, at least the sponge kind. My son could do that when he was 8.
Even those of us who don't
Even those of us who don't have BK's have been all kid ages ourselves. Use your own experiences growing up to define age appropriate milestones for a 13yo to accomplish.
Being polite is Vs rude is certainly one.
As for visitation frequency and Skid residence in your home, moving is a great tool for minimizing the chances of both. Many kids who are immature are not overly interested in leaving behind the environment they are confortable with.