Opinions Wanted Regarding Visiting After Baby Is Born
Hello All...I've got a question about how some of you feel about visitors immediately after a baby is born. Most of my posts are in regards to step-parenting issues, since I am a step parent. However, this Friday I will be delivering (with the help of my OBGYN...lol) a baby girl. She is our first and we are looking forward to it---of course.
The reason why Im looking for opinions is..well, I like hearing other points of view besides mine. I'm not so arrogant to think that I couldn't be wrong (although highly unlikely, LOL!!!) - kidding.
Anyways, my mother in law (sweet Jesus save me),and my husband's one and only close friend is already asking us, " So, when can I come to the hospital - cause you know I took Friday off." Of course, Im thinking, " OMG for crying out loud... (as I roll my eyes so hard they nearly detach and roll out)are you serious? Can I have the baby first??? I mean shit, I dont have a F'in magic 8 ball you know!" :jawdrop:
It's feeling like everyone is once again forgetting about me - the mother and my husband; and allowing us to bond in private, let me rest, eat, shower, etc... :?
I'm not trying to be a beeotch, }:) but my husband has a tendency to allow people to pressure him into making promises or giving answers to things that he just cant offer at that time. I feel that as the mother, everyone should be focused on whats best for the baby and how I'm feeling at that moment. Does anyone realize how exhausting labor and delivery is? I was a bit upset when he said, "oh they can wait in the waiting room." I said, " Oh no the hell they cant!" I'm not going to lie there, in bed, bleeding and ass-out as the nurses come in and take my vitals every hour or so, massaging my uterus to see if I'm clotting well, as visitors come in to "see the baby"
Am I being an asshole? Am I not considering others? I understand the excitement others feel of a new baby..but I've never in my life ever experienced a happy pregnancy where my husband loved me and took care of me during the pregnancy. With my previous marriage, it was full of abuse and misery. This time around my new husband is supportive and was/is happy about the pregnancy. I want this to be a private, special moment, where we take in every step of the labor and delivery process and am absorbed in the moment without anyone ruining it.
Can I get some opinions and suggestions on how to act with grace in a situation like this?
Thank you so much
Dee
Im glad that HE will be
Im glad that HE will be there...but I feel like everyone will be ready to charge the door and not give us some time to just enjoy the moment and give me some privacy. Believe me, these people aren't here to give him moral support. His mom is very very self-centered and typically thinks of whats good for her. His friend is - well nice, but I dont feel for him the same way he feels for me. I see him as my husband's friend...he calls me his little sister. How the hell he got that, I dont know, but we dont even have that kind of relationship..so I'm a little uncomfortable with that.
From a woman's perspective, it is a private matter - especially immediately after the birth. The fact remains is that we're open, were bleeding, possibly breast feeding
(and his friend is a perv so him being there is a little weird for me). Nurses come in nearly every hour and push on your belly and make gushes of blood and blood clots come out (ewww)...they make you get up and use the bathroom (yes with the lovley open-assed hospital gown, sometimes you have to remain hooked up to IV's and cant hold your gown well...Ive done this before and been totally humiliated.
I agree, I'm glad he's there. I just feel like everyone is thinking of themselves and not even for one moment being just a little considerate of my privacy.
I've been trying to be
I've been trying to be pleasant here but I'm "lucky" to have him there? We're a married couple and fathers in the delivery room are allowed. This isn't a matter of the hospitals policies. This is about people acting like this all about them. I feel like I'm being treated like giving birth is no biggie, and that asking for some privacy is offensive.
I know my husband is excited, but I'm a bit annoyed that hes treating this like Mardi Gras, and not even thinking that I may be tired and want to unwind as mother of a newborn..along side of and with the support of my husband.
Resentful is what Im feeling. Here it is, I carry the baby for 9 months, I do my job as a wife, homemaker, and step parent, I take care of his 2 youngest boys during summer vacation while he's at work; and I push out a baby, and nobody stops and considers something like privacy immediately following the birth.
I dont think you are being an
I dont think you are being an asshole! you will JUST be giving birth to the baby for crying out loud and they want too see her right away? (which i understand but STILL) Maybe after a few hours or the next morning they can come up and see her.
I agree with you completely!
I agree with you completely! I don't see this as being selfish or bitchy at all. Like someone else said before me, all you have to do is tell the nurse your wishes and they will handle it then you dont have to be the "bad guy". Your husband has no say in the matter honestly, YOU are the one with the lovely open assed gown on with YOUR legs spread wide open!
Stand up for what you want and get rid of the anxiety. If husband does not respect your wishes and pusses out of being a real man and telling his people to give you and your new baby time to relax, like I said before, tell one of your nurses and they will stand up for you.
LOL!! I loved the story! It
LOL!! I loved the story! It made alot of sense too!
I still want some privacy since I will be feeling gross...but not privacy from him...just "his people"
Just tell the nurses that no
Just tell the nurses that no one is allowed in the delivery room except your husband. Your husband can pop in and out to let people know "it's a girl!!!" or whatever he wants to tell them. After that the people outside can wait........they can wait until you are ready. That means that if after 5 minutes, you feel great and want visitors then bring them in. If it takes you 7 hours to want people there, then that's your choice as well.
Let them come to the waiting room, it will make your hubby happy....but you have the choice of not letting them into your room!!!
Goodluck with everything!!!
First off - Congrats!!!! I'm
First off - Congrats!!!! I'm right behind you - I'm due in 5 weeks and I'm so ready for this to be over. This is our second but this time around my parents are now living in the same city (ok right down the street to be honest) so there might actually be someone who wants to be there when the baby comes.
With DS, I didn't take any visitors until I had a shower. I knew once I had a shower that I was feeling good enough to smile at people. It's going to be the same thing this time I think - knowning my parents are waiting may make me a little crazy - just enough to let them in right away but since we have no other family here in town that we have a relationship with and I like my parents - it might not be that bad - plus they've both seen me at my worst!
Coworkers & Friends can come after a good meal and a shower!
I NEVER visit new
I NEVER visit new mothers/babies in the hospital unless explicitly asked to and I didn't want visits from people I didn't ask to visit either - which was partner, siblings and once my mother. But then I never spent more than 24 hours in the hospital anyway.
It's enough bonding with your baby, teaching them to latch properly, dealing with them sucking constantly, etc. You shouldn't have to entertain guests on top of it - unless you want to.
My partner explained to people that we would prefer they visit after the baby was settled at home and everyone was OK with that.
They can come, they don't
They can come, they don't have to be in the room. Really simple. Tell the nurses, they will cover for you. You are not the first Daughter in law with these issues. They are good at this. Just say no and when you are ready they can come in for five minutes and congratulate you. Say your tired and they can leave. Don't make it a bigger problem than it is. Enjoy the day with your DH and the new baby. That is the important thing. Not a pushy family.
Wow- the support here is
Wow- the support here is amazing! Thank you so much! I really did feel like everyone forgot about me (as an individual) and completely failed to consider that this moment is not their own.
I may have felt differently if this were a close knit family, but it's not. My mother-in-law voluntarily took off work from her new job ( of 3 days) to do what? I dont know. However, she took it off for nothing- because I'm taking back my day! My Mother in Law has a strong tendency to do things that make HER happy. My husband even said that she took off work because SHE wanted to - not to be of any kind of support...she just loves action and excitement and HAS to be in the spotlight! She's loud, and quite frankly doesn't know her boundaries.
I made it clear last night while at the table that NOBODY will be there except MY HUSBAND. She almost looked shocked and resentful. ( Oh well- so sorry) Is it the society we live in nowadays as to the lack of commonsense? I just cant wrap my head around the idea of how people think they can just walk the hell in moments after a baby is born? Luckily, my husband said that maybe we should just wait for us to come home from the hospital. (ya think?)
I refused to allow anyone to even be in the waiting room...I would go crazy knowing that people were waiting steadfast to come in and see the baby that soon after her birth. I would feel pressured and rushed. What's so important about them seeing her anyways? The all live down the damn street...shit, it isn't like they wont ever see her. Hell, if you want to do something, someone go buy her a swing or some diapers or onesies. So far nobody's done shit for her - not even a baby blanket, pacifier - nothing. Oh, but now you want to bombard my room? F- you.
Sorry - I needed to vent that. My husband and I scraped thru both of us loosing our jobs this past winter and it was a miracle we survived keeping food on the table and a roof over our heads, let alone buy everything she needed - no baby shower, etc...his family knows about the baby and our marriage, but could give a damn less (selfish people), and my family is very wealthy and have the means to put on even a small shower, but when you marry outside of your race - you're trash. My cousin just had a baby 3 months ago and they aLL gave him and his wife a beautiful surprise shower. He was thankful, but a little upset and said, " Well, this is nice, but Diane is having a baby in July." Everyone was like "uh huh" and just went on as usual. So, when it comes to people who are only thinking of themselves or who dont have our best interest at heart, I say F'em!
My mother "surprised" me by
My mother "surprised" me by showing up at the hospital while I was being induced. I do not have a great relationship with my mother so I was not exactly happy about the surprise. The dr. was my saving grace. She asked everyone to leave for a minute so she could check me, and then she asked me who I wanted to have in the room for the delivery. I told her I only wanted DH. When it was time to push, the dr. asked my mother to leave. I didn't have to feel guilty and I got to enjoy that special moment of bonding with my baby and DH. When I had baby #2, I just asked everyone to wait until the following day before coming to visit me at the hospital.
Good luck on Friday! I hope your delivery is quick and painless as possible!
Tell the hospital staff and
Tell the hospital staff and your husband what your wishes are and let them handle it. My family is very intrusive, which is great when you want it but not so great when you don't. I'm a very private person and only wanted it to be DH and me in the delivery room. So I told him and the hospital staff that. Sure enough, my mom came INTO the room while I was in labor. They let her stay about 5 minutes then asked her to leave. I didn't have to say a thing.
I also will NOT visit a new mom in a hospital unless she asks me to. It's a time for mom and baby to bond, not for everyone in the world to give the baby their germs. No thanks.
I think you and your husband
I think you and your husband should tell everyone to STAY HOME and you will call them when you are all three ready for visitors. I would hate to feel rushed bonding with my new baby knowing the sharks are outside waiting. LOL. I'm in full agreement with you here, you are the mother, you are going through the labor, and you get to decide when people can come see the baby. Put your foot down! Congrats about the new baby, I'm excited for you!
I have to go with the "you
I have to go with the "you can't keep people out of the waiting room" philosophy on this one.
My SIL (bro's wife) got psycho about similar issues during her 3 deliveries. Interestingly she wanted her Mom and Sister there but was militant/beligerant about my Mom, Dad and I being there with my brother.
I addressed the issue with the "TOUGH SHIT, if your family can be there, my brother's family can be there" response and we all went anyway.
This is your husbands child too. You can control who is in the delivery room but you can't control who shows up to see the baby if your DH gives his approval for them to be there.
Relax and enjoy the birth of your baby. Don't over stress on the ancilary details of who visits.
IMHO of course.
Best regards.
Well, luckily my husband is
Well, luckily my husband is in agreement with me after our talk. The fact is that it IS UP TO ME.
Firstly, my family isnt there.
Secondly, his mother should have been courteous enough to say, " Give me a call when you're settled in." - but nooooooo, just like everything else, it's all about her and what excites her and makes HER happy. What you may fail to understand is that my situation is NOT yours and I'm not "psycho" like you say your sister in law was. I've dealt with his mom ( and him complaining about her), and her using us. This is a woman who refuses to do for herself, yet wants her adult son and new wife, with a baby on the way to give her money for shits and giggles. How can you ask you son and wife while they are struggling on unemployment after loosing their jobs at frikn Christmas, At the same time, we're trying to buy baby supplies. I mean, some people just dont give a shit.
This is OUR day and I dont have to allow anyone into my room to see the baby. However, since he and I agree that our privacy should be respected; and if at a later time after her birth, we - uh I feel up to having visitors, then it will be addressed at that time.
How would you feel if a loud ass Southern woman came into your delivery room right after birth and tried to smother your new baby with sloppy red lipstick ridden kisses. Puhleaze dont say " how sweet" - because when things are in moderation - thats ok..but this woman knows not the term "moderation"
Im sorry (well, not really), but Im considerate of other people and have a clear understanding of boundaries. I would NEVER bombard anyone with my presence after birth. NOR would I lay my lips on someones newborn infant. How inappropriate to assume that the parents feel comfortable with that. I know this will come as a shock to her, but ...
"IT AINT ALL ABOUT HER!"
its about respect and boundaries.
oh, and it has taken me 36
oh, and it has taken me 36 years to learn and apply this philosophy,
" You teach people how to treat you."
and
"People can only do what you allow them to."
If she or ANYONE is upset about me requesting something as reasonable as at privacy, bonding time, and rest - then she REALLY doesn't need to even speak to me. I've spent one too many years being guilted into things and feeling like I owe everyone something and that my feelings and desires are nothing - thanks to how my parents raised me...I now see that I am important, and that respect is not a matter that is negotiable.
I meant NON- NEGOTIABLE
I meant NON- NEGOTIABLE
Freudian slip???
Freudian slip???
That had to be so annoying to
That had to be so annoying to have tons of people just hovering outside of your door. I swear, it amazes me that people put themselves so high up on a pedestal to think that a woman, who's in a very vulnerable position wants them lingering around to catch a glimpse. Like I mentioned before, his mother lives 10 minutes away for crying out loud. It isn't like she's missing anything. I will be discharged after 24 hours (if they dont tie my tubes - which I REALLY hope they do!) -and she can come see the baby when we get home.
People have really forgotten what's acceptable behavior and what's not.
Believe me, there's a difference between being a disagreeable bitch (for no reason) and doing what's right for you, child and husband; and if anyone has issues with that, then they need to simply get over themselves. When I get to the hospital, I will make sure that the nurses/staff are aware of my wishes.