This is OT in a way and I’d really like to hear people’s opinions on what the best route would be. In this circumstance it’s about my mom. And no, I’m not just saying “my mom” when it’s really about me! lol. I’m going to let her read everybody’s response.

Here’s the situation. My sister and my niece (her daughter) still live with my mom. That’s not my mom’s problem at all though. But my sister is an addict – in and out of rehab leaving my mom to take care of my niece who’s 14. When my sister starting having issues with drugs my mom stepped up even more to care for my niece, like any grandparent would. My mom loves my niece like a daughter and really wants the best for her. My mom does everything a mother to her daughter would do except in this circumstance it’s her granddaughter. She cooks, cleans and does her laundry, gets her to and from school, drives her to her friend’s houses, keeps up on her about her grades and who she hangs out with – very motherly. When my niece wants to go somewhere she asks my mom instead of her own mom. When she needs laundry done, help with something or wants someone to stay over she asks my mom instead of her own mom. Now here’s the problem. My sister just got back out of rehab for the 7th or so time in the past 7 years. Now she’s on this holier than now kick with “this is MY daughter not yours.” When my mom has been doing the best she can with this 14 year old girl. My mom is fed up with being treated this way. For instance – My niece admitted to my mom (her gram) that she smoked weed the other day. My mom felt punishment was necessary even though my niece admitted to it. (This is not her first time smoking which is the reason.) I agree with repercussion. You do the crime; you do the time type of thing. My mom told my niece and of course she stormed out of the room. My mom just wanted to take away her phone and computer for a week. My sister overheard and she said, in a shorter and nicer version, that the punishment wasn’t necessary and that she’ll do the disciplining. My sister also noted that she doesn’t want to live in “this” house anymore and that she will be leaving when she finds work and that she’s going to take her daughter with her too. (My sister hasn’t stood on her own two feet in years, let alone be responsible enough to take her daughter too.)

I can’t say exactly how my mom feels but she’s fed up with being treated this way. Even though I know my mom is going to read this I will say she does enable my sister but is also a little more lenient with my niece because of the fact her mom is an addict and she’s had to deal with so much so quickly at such a young age. My mom has a huge heart and doesn’t want to hurt her. All my mom wants to do is show my niece love but it’s now getting to the point where she can’t stand the “she’s MY daughter not yours!” Well, if she’s HER daughter, than take care of your OWN daughter. Right? Or wrong? If I’m right on thinking that you agree, would that be similar in disengaging? I’ve never had to disengage and don’t know the first thing about it. I’m just afraid something like that would really affect my niece, as in “my gram doesn’t love me that’s why she’s doing this to ME.” I don’t want my niece, who I also helped raise, feel abandoned by my mom over this because her own mother hasn’t acted like one in years, and not to mention her dad was murdered last year. So it’s tough.

How would you guys face this problem? What kind of advice would you give my mom?

(Quick note: My mom and sister absolutely do not get along. They’re a volatile match because of my sisters past with drugs and choices. So they can’t sit and have a conversation.)