I'd give him the rent money, but that's easy for me to say because I don't really have an issue with couples living together outside of marriage.  Especially a couple who has been together as long as these two have.  Would you rather he go further into debt?  Work a lot of extra hours and risk poor grades and losing his scholarship?  At least you know this girl and you like her.  You never know what you get with roommates, especially those you don't know really well.  I know kids who've ended up rooming with drug dealers, with kids who constantly partied, with kids who had a parade of opposite sex visitors for overnights . . . you get the picture.  And the bottom line is that he could live with a different roommate but still be essentially living with his girlfriend, with him staying at her place or her staying at his every single night - and you might never even know it.  Also, if he hadn't gotten a scholarship, you'd probably give him the money for tuition, and if he took out loans for his apartment, you'd be OK with that (you said you wouldn't judge or get mad about that, you just wouldn't fund it).  So in a way he's being punished for earning a scholarship.  

Sometimes kids don't share their parents' values.  Sure, parents can try to force a lifestyle that comports with their values by controlling the purse strings, but I think your husband would do better by sitting his son down, discussing the benefits of waiting until marriage to live together, discussing the risks of living with a girlfriend (what if they break up in the middle of the year??) and trying to influence him that way, rather than using the rent money to get him to do what you want.

I do understand your reluctance to fund something you don't approve of, but the goal of helping him out with college expenses is presumably to get him a degree, so I'd view it as that rather than thinking of it as funding him living with his girlfriend.

I would stick with your values. Myself I do not have issues with couples living together however if my own son made that adult decision then he can cover his own rent. I don’t pay for any young adult to play house with their gf or bf, if they are that grown up to make that choice they are enough of a grown up to pay their own bills.

They are having sex wherever they live, they will live their lives how they want and not how you want. They probably already spend most of their time at one or other's place. All you are going to do by not paying the money is frustrate your SS and strain relations with him. He is not being reckless or foolish or hastily jumping into something, he is just progressing his established relationship in a slightly different order to the one that you would want for yourself. 

If it were me would continue to pay the same amount of money that rent has been this year or half the rent on the new place if it is less. I might ask the couple to come up with a plan as to how they would cope if they break up while they are living together and how rent would be covered or their lease broken if one of them wants to move out. 

Chances are this relationship will end at some point (few people end up with thier high school sweethearts long-term) but the relationship between you and your husband as parents and your step son will survive a life time. By turning your backs on him now and trying to dictate how he lives his life and attaching conditions to the money you are providing beyond the educational purpose it will put distance between you. It will show your step son that you two do not trust him to live his life and make his own decisions. He is an adult and either you want to support his educational goals or you do not. As long as he is still working towards his goals then who he lives with is secondary and for him to choose. 

It may all end in disaster, but it is his life journey to go on and learn from his choices. Your and your husband's choice is if you want to continue to support his education or you want to put a barrier in your relationship with him and make completing his course more difficult for him.

I'm not a huge fan of parents putting a lot of conditions on their support.  I mean, I might not want to pay for my kid's college if they decided to pursue a study in macrame and finger painting.. but this seems less dangerous.

While you may not 100% be on board with his decision to live with his girlfriend... I think you should consider the following.

1.  Whether they reside in the same apt or not.. that will not stop them from having "relations".  There is not likely any big difference in the chance for unplanned pregnancy etc...

2.  Your son was open and honest about his intentions, he is not trying to pull one over on you.

3. As others have pointed out.. he could end up with much worse situations with roomates.. deadbeats, drugs, parades of one night stands.. wanting to commit further with his LT GF doesn't seem so bad in comparison.

4.  He is an adult, and while I am sure that your support helps him to meet his goals right now, you, for the most part, have had your chance at raising him and instilling your values upon him.  Now, he has to make his own way in the "morality" of the world.  He has been influenced by your upbringing... but that doesn't mean that the same choices will be the right ones for him.

Since he is generally holding up his end of the bargain by getting scholarships.. working hard etc.. I might not be inclined to withhold the housing funds support... despite this not being the choice you would have made for your self.. it's a choice he is making as an adult.  You could say.. well adults can support themselves.. but you guys also understand that at that age.. it can be difficult to manage the full finances.. and that your DH wants to support him.

In any case.. he may find out that it is not so easy to live with a SO...  so let this be a learning lesson before too much is at stake.

HAH.

My parents didn't provide me with a cent post-high school, and I'm a better person for it.

I still love both of them exactly the same as if they were to fund my entire existence.

They just spent 18 years feeding, clothing, and providing for me. Why would I be as greedy as to expect more once I'm an adult?

3 kids in my family. 3 college grads, 3 people with careers. I'm not saying my way (mine and my parents' way) is the best, but it worked. It'll work for my kids too. I'd encourage people to prepare their kids for the real world, else you'll have a 25 year old with a philosophy degree living in your basement (as is common today).

I wouldn't go out and say "the job market was different" back then either. I'm 31, my sisters are 27 and 25. The job market isn't different, the kids are.

I'm split on this, so I can understand why you are, too. 

Yes, you don't agree, and I can totally understand not funding something you don't agree with.

BUT - will not funding it stop them from living together? Will it stop premarital sex? Will it push them to go get married hastily (and if they did, would you pay then)? Will it cause a rift in the relationship between DH and his son? Will it put them in the poor house or on the streets?

Additionally, have you all been pushing them to take their relationship to the next level, either directly or passively? If everyone around them has been saying "put a ring on it", but then gets upset with what most of society would consider the next logical step (living together), I could see how they/he would be upset.

Ultimately, you have to weigh the pros and cons, as does he. I'd at least hear him out before saying "no". What may end up happening if you all don't chat openly is that he'll get an apartment and she'll move in secretly. 

If your issue is that you'd be funding them to have a "sex den", you're already doing that. They are likely already sleeping together even with roommates. You're not stopping anything that hasn't already happened.

I'd probably feel differently if this were a new GF of 6 months or something, but this is someone established. If SS is a good kid, working, getting good grades, it does seem silly to pull money away now because the illusion that he isn't engaging in premarital sex will be shattered.

ETA: My parents paid my rent when I was in college and moved in with my XH, who was a high school sweetheart. It was cheaper to pay my rent than it was room and board, and XH and I got a sweet deal in a crappy house, so my portion of rent was <$200/mo. That came with the following expectations:

• I kept a job.
• I paid my own utilities and food.
• I didn't ask for any additional cash.
• I didn't get pregnant.
• I maintained my status on the Dean's List 
• I stayed in school and got my degree at the end of my 4th year

As soon as XH and I got married, all support from them stopped, minus sharing a phone plan with my mom and SF where we paid half the phone bill (which helped my parents). Their goal was to make sure I graduated, and I never purposefully took advantage of their generosity. Having set those expectations to help with my schooling at a time when I could have taken out loans helped keep me on the right path. I had too much to lose if I didn't comply with what they wanted, and I was smart enough to not look a gift horse in the mouth.

aligns with you morally.

If the son wants to live the adult life with his girlfriend, then he will have to find a way to do that.

It's very simple:

Behind door 1-Grow up. And I mean GROW ALL THE WAY UP, not selectively. Repsonsible adults are responsible in ALL AREAS of their lives, not selectively. Being adult isn't just being able to vote, drive, drink, have sex, and do whatever you want. It also means supporting that lifestyle; get a job, and pay your own way. People do it all the time.

Behind door 2-If you want daddy and wife to help, you abide by their guidelines and in turn you get monetary help until you graduate. 

KISMIF-Keep it simple, make it fun!

I had friends in college who lied to their parents about everything because of the parents beliefs. One girl dressed completely punk yet when her parents came to visit she had curly, feathered hair, had some flowery dress with a Peter Pan collar, and pink flats. It was WEIRD to see her looking like that. And she'd go around the night before begging everyone not to give away her usual attire and personality.

I'm sure you SS knows you and your DHs views. I give him credit for being upfront about it. He could have just said he's getting an apartment with one roommate and lied the entire time.

I get your DHs dilemma. XH and I have a set amount of money set aside for DS. I have no problem with him living with a girl. I do think living with a girl during college is too much additional pressure. I was thinking about what I would do/say. I already told DS there is a set amount of money for four years of college, anything beyond that is on him. I wouldn't rescind that. I would, however, tell him my opinion is that it's too much additional pressure and my advice is not to do it, but that it's his decision, and I wouldn't pay for any additional costs if the relationship goes south and he needs to change his housing situation.

I can see both sides of this issue.  When you and your DH told your sons that you were willing to put a certain amount toward their education did you mention any conditions at that time (certain grade average, keeping part-time job, etc.)? That might make the case that SS always knew the money was not unconditional.  The bottom line for me is, that you and your DH are on the same page.  It's YOUR money, the two of you make decisions on how it is spent.  

I would suggest that your son get the full amount.  Since he has been responsible in obtaining and maintaining his scholarships and keeping costs low by living at home and commuting to a local college does not mean that he should have reduced support.

As for the SS.... I would suggest that his level of support be maintained regardless of where he chooses to live. He needs to eat any increase in costs beyond the support you and DH provide.  These are burgeoning adults who should be allowed to make their own decisions (within reason) and deal with the consequences of those choices.

Just my thoughts of course.

If SS pulls any hinky crap over having to discuss his choice to move into with his GF, he needs to understand that the support he gets will remain subject to his continued interface with his parents (and SParents).

I don't have a moral issue with cohabitation. However, I do have an issue with providing financial support to someone who feels they are entitled to all the benefits of adulthood. My answer would be basically that I am happy for him to have found someone and excited for this next chapter in his life...and that this represents a very adult decision with very adult concerns. As such, I will not get in the way of him adulting. I will, however, be here if things go south and he needs to move out, but if he wants to cohabitate with a significant other, that represents the crossing of an adult threshhold and is a firm step toward independence, which I will respect. Part of that respect is recognizing that he is able to find a way to pay his own rent.

I think if they want to live together then it's their choice, you may not agree with it but I'd just let it play out and see what happens. I presume you are only paying his share of the rent and the girlfriend pays her own share? 
 

Your SS's girlfriend no doubt already stays over your SS's house now (that you are paying for) so I can't see how it's any different - he will still be having sex outside of marriage. 

Withholding funds you are currently paying because your SS doesn't align to your morals is in fact judging and trying to force your morals onto him and I don't think that's fair. 

My issue is that I'm not paying for someone else's kid's living expenses.  I'll pay for my kids rent, but not anyone else he wants to live withs rent.His GF's parents can pay her rent.  I'm fine if they live together in college with that experience division.

As long as he wraps it before he taps it. If they get knocked up, they are on their own.

No glove, no love needs to be a strong parent point IMHO.