Please read asap
Hello All,
I just signed up this morning. I need some help navigating a situation I am in as a potential step mom. First let me say this is complicated and not going well. Second let me also say that I am also a parent who is bio mom bio mom to 2 other children.
Next is the ages: Mine, 18 Boy and 12 Girl. His, 22 Girl, 17 Girl, 13 Boy. He also has a wicked crazy, super unbalanced ex. I get along with my ex and he gets along with my ex.
We are in a dilema, he wants to not live together until our children are grown and have moved out of the house. So no getting married until then. I am 38 and he is 40, that would be potentially 10 years or so if my youngest spends time at home going to colege. We have already been together for 3.5 years now.
We met at match.com. Started to fall in love right away. Moved through all the steps of talking it out about our kids and what we wanted for them (a family in our home together). Tried to work out all the kinks up front before we moved in to avoid huge problems. We also had a very clear understanding of what his ex would be like. a terror. and also what his kids would be like as a result. That they would NEVER accept me or my kids and neverr try to love us as part of the family. Also that they were very much out of control. Well our decision was to try and move in together thinking we could use that knowledge and our agreements on what to do in these situations to overcome the chaos that was sure to happen.
We moved in together within 6 months. That was him pushing the issue. I really feel that he must have been insecure with what I would do when I saw how they were in person. He must have thought he should get me under the roof asap to avoid my being able to go quickly. that is just my opinion. he says that is not it. but man it sure does feel that way. he just pushed it so hard for us to actually move in together in the most unsusal ways.
So we then lived together for 2 years. It was great for the first 1.5 months. Dont laugh like that. You know what I am going through so it must me that you understand this all too well. Slowly his kids had made thier point over and over again that they did not like this situation. Oh and you should know we spend alot of time talking this trhough with them. Spending all of our free time for about 3 months as a group in one house or the other to get a feel for how we all interact. As far as I could tell everyone had zero issues with it. The only thing they actually asked of us is that they all get an individual room. We had 3 of them living with us and each had thier own room. we felt it was a reasonable request given the level of acceptance and cooperation we were getting. (it actually shocked us how much they were accepting of it). So we went forward with a good feeling of confidence. again dont laugh. We also both knew that this was not stable. that we would have huge challenges with them (his kids) at some point.
Well then lets get to living together, BF was great most of the time. we decided to just accomodate our kids needs up front within reason to help them through. Then we were going to make some house rules. they were normal rules, the same they would have if in school or something like that. nothing way out there.
So i started noticing that my BF will sacrifice us as a coulpe and me to his kids. I can go into detail later but that is what it is. He also will not hold himself or his kids accountable to our agreements. However it is all hell if I need adjustment time to it and simply war if my 12 yr old needed time to adjust to keep up. Also I started noticing that my BF simply wants to give his kids what they complain for. It is so strange. If you hear him talk he speaks so frequently and so long about what is right and wrong and how he handles these kids with it. I am now feeling very bad because I think he has a mental issue in that it is all talk. I am starting to catch him actually not realizing realities of situations in a big way. What the hell am I supposed to do with that?
Also we had so much drama in our home because he could not stand up to his kids on what they were doing to me and my daughter. I actually had to move out and try to get him to just date me. I told him spacifically that it was to work on things without the preasure cooker of living together. We could merge back together when we were stronger as a couple who could parent under the same roof.
Well a year later I found out he intends to not live together at all until the kids are out of the house. This is after he spent many conversations with me about knowing I want us to work on our issues. He simply does not lift a finger to do that.
How can and why should I wait for him? What is he thinking,y my god. also I have a very bad feeling that this is never going to get better. That he simply will be the parent who now admittedly and forever will want his kids to have it easier so he does not push them to be normal good people.
How would any of you handle this. Please anyone who has actually waited out the kids respond asap. and if you have issues with adult step kids like I think we will. please respond. I think he is full of it to belive that thier age is the factor that is making this hell. I think he does not see his role in this at all and that it is not our kids but us as a couple that is the problem.
Help me?
Yep that is true, I can see
Yep that is true, I can see the problems. Is the only answer to walk away? What is it that makes this a situation that cannot be fixed? Is it me or can he just try to work on it and eventually get it right? Im not saying he has to change or that this needs to be perfect overnight. in fact I know it will never be perfect. I also know that it will be extreamly hard. all i see in here is the same thing and yet everyone stays. I have been trying to figure this out for a year now. everyone says to leave. I know that is an absolute solution, to get rid of any chance of it continueing. but what is it that makes all the rest stay? what is working enough for that to happen? what is it that I am missing?
If that is how he wants to
If that is how he wants to play it, if I were you, I would tell him that is fine, however, you will not be waiting around on him. Let him know that you would like to see other people as well. That will put a fire under his butt.
Like the previous person
Like the previous person stated, I think you've answered your own question. If your BF isn't willing to lift a finger to parent or treat you well and stand up for you, what is he really contributing to your lives that is making you want to stay? I think he's basically laid his cards on the table telling you what he wants, that he doesn't want to live together until after the kids are gone. You have to ask yourself if this situation is one that you will accept or ask for a compromise. If he isn't willing to compromise, then ask yourself is that the type of person you want in your life and in your children's life?
Waiting for things to change is hard. It's like doing the same thing over and over again and waiting for a different result every time. It's frustrating. Making a change is hard, but can be rewarding eventually.
I wish I had waited to move
I wish I had waited to move in until the kids were out of the house. For us that looks like 5 years. DH pushed us to get married after being engaged a year and half. He was tired of going back and forth to my house on the nights he didn't have the kids. Then his parents moved out of state and they were the ones that got his kids up in the morning, since he started work at 5 AM. Well that pushed me to move in and start wedding plans. Fast forward a few months and all hell broke loose with my Stepkids. Now we are finally getting back to the relationship we used to have, but it has been hell getting there.
If you can stick out the relationship and not live with the stepkids, do it. If not, end it now if you have that many red flags. I wish I could turn back the clock and not live with DH.
ok good advice out there. How
ok good advice out there. How does this relate to being an issue with men? is this common? am I fooling myself into thinking that it would be something we can work on? this seems so simple but it is so hard to get him to understand what he is doing. I have my issues too so dont think i am just complaining about him and his kids. But it is the sticking point here. he is unwilling to see it and fix it. so what I am hearing is this does not change at all. right?
some of you have responses
some of you have responses that state that you would like to wait out the kids. I am having difficulty with this concept. My thoughts are more like the others who say to run. this is why. I feel that if we do wait it sends a msg to his kids and his ex that he will give in and not take me seriously in his life. this will be hard to overcome. so staying really opts me into this forever. If I leave now I save myself from this. but if he were to stand up for us as a couple I belive it will end it and we wont be sending them this msg. I am not saying they will not continue to try for a time or that other things will not happen. but I agree that he needs to put his foot down on that part. do they (the men) ever do that? it sounds like you all are telling me they dont. and that is why most responses are to walk away from this. is that right? for those who would want to wait them out. do you feel that it will be better when they are gone? I really feel this is an issue with us as a couple and not his kids. I knew going into it that they would try to pull crap. but how we handle it as a couple in my thoughts was what would matter. is that wrong?
Hi is anyone out there still?
Hi is anyone out there still?
That is exactly why I think
That is exactly why I think waiting is a stupid concept. It does not solve anything. All it is doing is putting us in nuetral households while they are young. They are not getting better at working with me in this situation. So I dont see the point of putting my relationship with him on hold for it. I know they will always try to disrupt out relationship. I also know it is rare that they accept you (stepmom). I also know if you do get them onboard with your relationship it is not forever. they can slip back to hating you. So why would I accomodate them? what would be the point?
I think he is giving you a
I think he is giving you a way out of the relationship. The odds of someone waiting around for 10 years are pretty low.
so a little more back story.
so a little more back story. I am verry proud of the fact that I get along with my ex for my kids. it is hard not easy. we make sacrafices of ourselves and our pride almost everytime we need to in order for our kids to benefit. they are not spoiled just cared for. My kids benefit from us not making it about us but about them. My BF does not have this with his ex and he never will. I know that. but my BF also knows what it could be by example. he could work with me in the same way in our home and in our relationship. yet he chooses not to. I am beginning to think it is an epidemic with men that they do this. is it mostly men? or do women do this as well.
Yep, like others have said
Yep, like others have said you already know the answer to this in your heart. If he is like this with his kids now, trust me it will NOT change when they are older. I can GUARANTEE that at least one of them will still be living there at the age of 20 because he just wants to give them their way, and it won't change just because they are adults.
He will always put their needs above your relationship, and this is not someone you want to move in with. You will be miserable if you allow this to continue. And it has absolutely NOTHING to do with being a man, being an enabler knows no gender or race. I am a stepdad and my wife is the classic example of an enabler. Each one of my ADULT SD's has lived with us off and on since I moved here. Do not wait around 10 years, get out NOW.
Thank you frustrated. it is
Thank you frustrated. it is hard for me to come to the conclusion that this is it and its over. it hurts you know it should be something we could work on. why do parents do this?
Even though it may hurt right
Even though it may hurt right now, in the long run deciding not to wait will be a good decision. If he's acting this way now, it will only get worse as time goes on. Consider yourself lucky that you can see the writing on the wall now. Most of us didn't get so lucky.
Unless you are on the same
Unless you are on the same page as your SO nothing will ever be easy. How religous are you both? Because in the Bible a man puts his wife first before his children and his parents. My DH puts me first and that is the way it is. End of Story. I will not play 2nd fiddle to adult children nor does my DH play 2nd or 3rd fiddle to mine (My oldest was 22 when we married). She has always accepted him in her life because he makes me happy and vice versa.
The thing to think about is if this is his worst character flaw can you live with it? Some men (ahem!) slurp their coffee in the morning. Yeah, he only has one cup a day and I can live with it. However totally ignoring me or my children living with us and putting his kids on a pedastal ... not happening.
In your situation it sounds like he is wringing his hands and saying "I can't fix it!" So maybe not walk away but wean yourself out of his life. Spend time with your children and make other friends. It may pan out into someone better or your SO will get a clue and work on himself and his relationship with his kids.
The sad thing is he is not doing his kids any favours. In fact is is somewhat selfish. His kids will grow up and away and never have a normal relationship with their father due to his piss poor parenting.
The ONLY way this problem can
The ONLY way this problem can be fixed is if your bf sees what you see and changes himself. Likely hood of that not so good as he is already saying he wants you to wait til the kids are grown. That tells me he is not willing to even try to work on the 2 of you. He is willing to not have a relationship with anyone just to please his kids. That is a huge red flag. As I said the only way this is going to be fixed is if your bf puts you and your relationship above his kids! Which is the way it is supposed to be done even in an intact family but more so in a step situation. Been there done that.
Perhaps you can do what I did, I left my dh (bf at the time) it was an eye opening for him. He soon realized he didn't want to lose me. I told him the ONLY way I would stay is if he put US first only first! It worked me anyway. good luck
Maux and others are spot on!
Maux and others are spot on! Once a guilty daddy, always a guilty daddy.
Even if it APPEARS as though they've made progress, they will do a 180 should a difficult situation arise, namely where skids ask biodad to chose between them and you. And guess who always comes in last?
They tell you what you want to hear when having conversations about the skids. This is to shut you up and open up the door for regular "bedroom privileges"
Then when the heat is on and skids are pushing the envelope once again, the backsliding and 180 begins.
And of course "ye olde double standard" where YOUR kids are under a microscope and his kids get a free pass.
Match.com should have a screening process to screen out these guilty daddies. Then have them get tatooed in the forehead "NOT READY FOR AN ADULT RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE MY CHILDREN ARE MY SPOUSE"
Sad to hear that Maux. I had
Sad to hear that Maux. I had such high hopes for him and thought he had seen the light just before you two married.
I guess there is no cure/pill for guilty daddy.
Let that be a lesson to ALL of you women who are considering starting a relationship with a guilty daddy, his spawn and his PASinator ex.
It's a no win sitch!!
Let's not forget though that
Let's not forget though that it's not just a guilty daddy problem. There are lots of BM's who would rather be their kids' friend and enable them than to put their foot down. Mother's are just as guilty.
Totally agree. The thing is
Totally agree. The thing is that MOST of guilty daddy is a KNEE JERK REACTION to the BM's PASing and giving the children "adult spousal status."
It's almost a competition to see who can be Junior/Princess' BFF. :sick:
Until the courts start automatically doing 50/50 with no CS changing hands and start prosecuting PAS for what it is, child abuse, then the coddling BM/Guilty daddy cycle will continue. And subsequently massive damage to children as a result.
Frustrated you are so right
Frustrated you are so right as my bm is just like that to ss15! He has called her all kinds of names and she says NOTHING to him! Nothing! We have tried over the years to tell him that she is his mom and blah blah blah but really at this point if bm is going to do nothing and take it from him what can we really do??? Nothing b/c so far it has not worked. However he KNOWS better to talk to me or his dad like that, he has tried a few times but he was met with a very not so happy daddy! YAY.
But with bm if she does nothing and just takes it what are we really to do? AS I said we have tried but if she is not willing to correct the behavior when she has him there is really nothing we can do. So sad b/c ss15 has the ability to be such a great kid if he was taught respect while at his moms. We teach him but I hope that is enough.
funny enough he is in family
funny enough he is in family therapy with his kids. he fought in court to get that for them. I support it because they need it badly. it is helping a lot with thier relationship after his divorce. I have used this same therapist long back when i had a minor hickup with my kids. We as a couple have also seen her. I have an apt today and wed with her to discuss this issue. I think she is going to tell me the same thing. To leave and not look back. So far no one has said to stay. If they do they say that he needs to do something to stay and or compromise in some way. since he will not they all agree that I should go.
All we are saying is that it
All we are saying is that it will not change. If there are problems now and you are not living under the same roof, they will be ten times that when you live together. Just wait to move in together or call it off. Sounds like he is giving you an out. Honestly if it were me I would take it.
I do think you can change the guilty daddy stuff, but it takes a lot of work and anger and fighting to get there. It changed me. DH is better now, but it took losing his daughter to an evil BM to get there. He is great now with SS and he is actually a nice kid that I adore, but he has challenges. DH was guilty for so long that I didn't think he could change but he did. Would I go through it all again. Hell no. I would still live in my house and date until they all left for college. Naive maybe, but it would have saved a lot of heartache if I had.
Hmm I did not think of it as
Hmm I did not think of it as a guilty daddy thing. I was thinking it was a set of bad relationship skills thing. If it is a guilty daddy thing it is even worse I guess. You would be right in saying it would be a 180 and double standard thing. we have gone through that before and it is still stuff that is unresolved. And yes I do think they just tell you what you want to hear in order to get forward with thier goals. But being a guilty daddy actually makes more sense into how he could even think of doing these things. it actually explains a lot more that I never mentioned here.
it does mess up your kids when you are a parent who pampers them because of guilt. he is going to totally mess them up isnt he. this is breaking my heart guys.
Don't settle. Move on. If
Don't settle. Move on. If he is acting this way after a few years, odds are it will just get worse. If he wants you let him choose to stand up and be adult and accountable about the relationship. It looks like he is incapable of that right now. He may never decide to do the right thing by you, but you will never be treated fairly if you stick around now. Leave, move on, truly move on. Make it clear that you have nothing more to discuss besides a wedding date and marriage with no more than a 6-month window. If he hasn't come around in six-months, consider it over. You deserve better, and he obviously is not willing to do better right now, maybe never.
Listen to the people here,
Listen to the people here, but most of all you should listen to your intuition... I wish I had done both last year. This makes me think of one of my favorite quotes:
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong
I feel for you, I really do.
I feel for you, I really do. I am in a really bad way now because I love my boyfriend so much, but his adult children are always causing issues. He has not been enabling for a while now, but there is still no accountability with them. They are 18, 19, and 22. Always drama, and it keeps getting worse. They hated me before they met me. They do not want him with anyone, because they think I am getting "their money." It is all about money, and there is not any extra-we are working class. There is no love or respect from them, yet he keeps waiting for them to magically change. We live together, and they have been worse since we moved here, even though they are not here. I will NEVER live with them. They scare me, because they do not believe they have to abide by rules.
Your bf's kids sound a lot like my bf's, and believe me, they will get worse if he doesnt start parenting properly NOW. You cannot wait 10 years. Your bf seems resigned to being the kids' doormat, and that leaves you out in the cold. And when he finds himself being unable to give them what they want, they will go crazy. Trust me on that. Last year, my bf's son wanted to date a girl who was not interested. He could not handle the rejection and proceeded to act like he was insane. It was terrible. Daddy couldnt give him what he wanted and he reacted badly.
I would stay on your own for a long time and really think about all of this. This could be heart-breaking for you. I am in the same boat.
He has shown you who he is
He has shown you who he is and where you stand with him. You don't want to believe it b/c deep down you are an eternal optimist. (No offense b/c it takes one to know one, lol.)
Only he has the power to change this situation (as all of the other experienced ladies have already said
)
You could ask him if he wants to go to counseling but, will he abide by whatever that counselor says? Would you be ready to move on if he/she suggested that your relationship is not moving in the same direction? Ask yourself the tough questions and believe me, you will find the answers within yourself.
You don't want to live with resentments, chaos, and anger. It won't be good for you and you, need to take care of YOU!
Whatever you decide, keep venting b/c it helps.
Blessings to you.
Wow I was able to come back
Wow I was able to come back and read all the comments again. I left the site to go to my therapy apt. Let me just say I LOVE this therapist. Well here is the update.
As you all know you were all right. I have tried every resource I could find to locate anyone who had any kind of glimps into his point of view. Shocker, no one could. Everyone said the same thing. After doing all that I do feel like I had the chance to vent and make a decision. Experiance is wise. I came here looking for answers and all of you had them. Thank you so much.
I did decide that I will need to move on IF he continues to have this opinion and or intention. So I found in my therapy session that there are some things to consider in that decision. I am actually going to share this with all of you. Many of you have or are in the same position and I wanted to let you know what this therapist said. it really helped me.
First the obvious. She told me after I explained the situation. "Would you really want to marry someone who would think this way or treat you this way?" my answer was, No way, that would not be a good marriage and I would not do that to myself.
Next was something really interesting and speaks to how and why a BF or spouse would act this way. In short, she thinks we have an emotional maturity level. It is guaged by an emotional age. Like I am 38 as of today. I see myself really no younger than 30 emotionally. She seems to think I am actually on par with my age and actually older. I carry a lot of responsibility and act very mature at all times. basicly I do not regress. I know I am spelling all this wrong. sorry about all that. Well now lets look at him. She said, keep in mind he and his kids were in therapy for over 12 months with her, he sees himself as young as his 13 year old emotionally. that is why he will keep the company of his youngest on a consistant basis than to be an adult in a mature and loving relationship with me.
I was shocked when she said this. it actually explained so many things that I have been dealing with. And all the stories on here match what I am going through. so keep reading this gets really good. He is stunted emotionally and leaning on his youngest for a safe emotional place to be. and he is an avoider. I always thought it was some strange and bad lack of relationship skills issue between us but I was always willing to work on it. That was not it at all. He is a 13 yr old emotionally. Next comes the really shocking thing. I asked what my future would be like with him. Given I am being asked to wait 10 years it has been my fear that it simply will not get better or work. then I will be 48 or older. She said do you know how many times in a week some woman walks in my door dragging some man with her that is emotionally in his tweens? I said no, huh that makes me laugh now, Well I found out that it is several times a week. That shocked me. I asked her if my BF is doing this what happens when his son grows up? what does this look like as his son matures and begins to resent him for this. she said my BF will always choose to do this. So many men who are like this will be like this when the kids do move out and move on. that was what I was afraid of. she said that he will adapt and pick other things to avoid me with if he does not see it and decide to change it. All of this makes so much sense now.
So what are you going to do?
So what are you going to do?
I did have my 2nd session. I
I did have my 2nd session. I decided I am not accepting his terms. he would have to accept mine only. that feels so good to do that. He will need to start seeing this therapist on his own for a while to decide if he is up to the work. So for now and until he gets through whatever he needs to do we will be just friends. I am going to let him know this weekend. Had a small comlicatin in letting him know all this because today is my birthday. So I have been booked solid in trying to get that overwith to move on and get this conversation with him going. But that is what I decided to do. and the therapist thought that was great. I knew she would. He will simply have to find it in him to be what is a husband. I am not going to settle for less.