Question...SS13 is “playing” both parents...
Both DH and BM HATE each other so there is little to NO Communication between the two. SS13 knows this. BM is a total controlling bitch and DH is spineless when it comes to both SS13 and BM. This has all Fueled the issue below.
Basically SS13 lies to both parents to tell them each what they want to hear. Examples DH tells SS13 not to tell BM he's allowed to stay up till 2am or that he plays violent video games at our house so SS13 lies to BM when she asks. How do we know? Because If BM knew the truth she would be calling DH up screaming or be complaining to SS13 therapist when they go and BM is not.
SS13 will lie to DH about seeing BM's sister. DH hates BM's sister and SS13 knows this so SS13 will lie and say his aunt does not come over anymore because that's what DH wants to hear. I know it's a lie because I've seen multiple recent pictures on BM's Facebook with SS13 happily hugging his aunt.
SS13 also will lie to both parents about doing HW at the other parents house when he never did. Since BM and DH do not Communicate they cannot verify this with the other if it was really done. They just take DS13 word for it.
So my question is...is this common in divorced households were the bios don't communicate about these things? The fact SS13 is getting away with lying and no one is calling him out is this normal teen stuff that he will outgrow? Finally the fact DH is Encouraging SS13 to lie about what goes on at our house to BM how will this effect SS13 long term?
Yes, this is common, no it
Yes, this is common, no it won't end. My SS21 did a lot of playing both parents (DH never asked him to lie to BM like yours does, or keep secrets, but BM definitely did about DH). He would tell each parent bad stuff about the other. He also lied to therapists, attorneys and a judge.
SoBloodyHard captured it perfectly. My SS has emotional problems and he's manipulative to this day.
Short answer: YES
i call it "Playing the Houses", kind of like a modern family Game of Thrones.
SD21 Feral Forger used to do this a lot. She would call me names and curse at me (not regularly but when I would have conflict with her), and then go to Toxic Troll BM and turn things around and say that I was the one calling her names and cursing at her.
She was the "boomerang Child" who would have conflict at one house and then pack and move to the other house. That stopped when visitation stopped. She now lives with BM.
Munchkin Sd14 will tell her mother things, her mother will twist them. Even positive things. Drama ensues. Lather, rinse, repeat. Munchkin tries not to say anything about anything. Cue the walking on eggshell dance that she has to do every other week when its Toxic Troll visitation time.
Step family ecosystems are the right environment for all kids of flavors of toxic. The kids dont have the parenting they need, the parents parent out of guilt, or try to alienate the children against the other parent. All KINDS of things happen in this kind of environment. Why do kids do this? Because they CAN.
SS is being manipulated by
SS is being manipulated by both parents. They are encouraging him to lie so why wouldn't he think lying is okay? SS likely thinks, If Dad says it's okay to lie to Mom about bedtime and video games, then it is okay to lie about other stuff to both Mom and Dad. Your SS is just trying to survive being used as a pawn by his parents. Poor kid.
Why is
Your dh letting him stay up all night on video games and encouraging him to lie to His mom about it? That's like double whammy damaging the poor kid. Mum probably has asked n he's had to lie to her. We knew something was amiss here when ss was turning up bleary eyed, coming down to dds level etc shattered. Classic being allowed to stay up all night the night previous.
Ss shouldn't really have to lie about seeing his aunty, unless she's done something sinister. Surely that's not your dh business and he should be able to keep his thoughts to himself.
Sounds like ss is between a rock and a hard place
Super common. SKs tend to
Super common. SKs tend to learn to tell parents "what they want to hear" in turn learning manipulation techniques. DH believed SD for years! Turns out she goes right back to her BM after "bad mouthing" her and does the exact same thing about DH. SD10 plays parents against each other... playing the victim constantly.
The issue is not a 13yo
The issue is not a 13yo telling parents what he thinks they want to hear. THe problem is ... your idiot husband.
Reread your post and look at the root cause of SS-13's issues. DH lets him play violent video games and stay up all night gaming. DH has an issue with SS's aunt.
Yep, DH is the problem. BM doesn't help either. Putting SS in a position to have to lie to his father about his Aunt visiting BM. BM needs the testicular fortitude to tell your DH to STFU about her sister as it is none of his business who she visits with with HER son.
smh
It is common for kids to do
It is common for kids to do this even in not seperated households. If Thier is a grey area on most cases a communication break down they will find it and exploit it
my exSS13 LOVES to see people
my exSS13 LOVES to see people fight , especially over him. He would feed infomation to both BM and DH and eagerly wait for them to kick off at each other ,, he just loves the conflict. He would do this to DH and myself also,,he would do something vindictive to me knowing full well i would tell his dad and that his dad wouldnt do anything about it , which would get me frustrated and angry at his dad. its like he got off on it. Your skid is playing it because hes basically being trained to by your husband telling him to lie ,,, thats a silly move on behalf of your DH! DH just needs to standup to BM, whatever happens in your household at the time is your desicion ,,, who care what BM thinks,, shouldnt be getting the kid to lie full stop