Thank you for posting this. 
 

I ended up leaving my now fiancé and while I had inklings that he was somewhere on the narcissism spectrum...now that I'm away from him and had time to think and reflect - that mf-er was definitely some degree of a covert narcissist 

The main issue was he would never  i mean never take accountability for his unsavory behavior. If I called him out for his negative behavior, he would start yelling/make excuses and rationalize said behavior/tell me "why are you just now saying something about it?/minimize his behavior/give fake half a$$ed apologies/and if none of this worked he would turn it all around on me 

From my perspective taking accountability is the first step to making positive change. To him, taking accountability meant lowering his self esteem or shaming him. 
 

So the problems I was having either never got resolved or were very slowly changed then he'd do some similar relationship infraction with something else and we'd be right back to square one. 
 

He was jealous when I would spend time with my friends and expected me to spend every waking moment with him and his kids (barf). 
 

He made suggestions thay we could move out of town when my kid went to college. while i thought this would be the only way to force him to create bpundaries with his ex-wife and kids (those kids could never demand last minute visits and his visitation would absolutely have to be scheduled in advance) I soon realized it was a ploy to isolate me for control. 

He also thought i would never leave him and his dysfunction since in his mind I needed him for rent etc. When i left him he thought he could dangle promises (most likely fake) of money to win me back. 

He was also jealous my daughter had a better relationship with his neice than his daughter. My daughter bonded with her simply because they were closer in age and hitting life milestones around the same time. He would try to force my 18 year old to bond with his 11 year old and force his daughter into a group of high schoolers. They were kind to

his daughter out of respect but you cant force people to

bond with each other. 

In his mind his "extensions" (narcissists see peoplr

close to them as extensions of themselves) should be propped up on a pedestal in the forefront at all times. His efforts usually backfired and his daughter especially would sulk around as a result. 
 

Narcissists also have no issue invading your boundaries because they simply don't care plus they enjoy the attention when you assert your boundaries and it leads to an argument  

This dude told me one day that he'd rather get negative attention than no attention at all

And so many other instances that struck me as narcissistic type behavior 

The best thing you can do with a narcissist is ignore them. They hate that. 

Yeah ignore is the way to go. I was able to do a deep dive and realized extended family had an overt narcissist that paired well with the old adult SKID who is a covert narcissist. They became a destructive pair that came together to build new narratives, hold up lies and be victims to big bad stepmom. In every case to date they would misconstrue somethign I did, said, etc and find a way to make it into something dramatic that harmed them or their babies. I finally realized the best thing to do is ignore them completely especially extended fam member narc. SKID I keep it superficial and don't say much. They currently tried to hunt me down during the holidays and I made a decision to ignore it completely - lies were spread but luckily it allowed those who listened to actually look at if there was any evidence, there was none. Most saw through the garabage and have realized they are lying POS and a few hopped on the bandwagon. It's allowed me to understand the sensible vs. the flying monkeys. 

@Rags, I am going to add a specific type of narc and signs below. How many stepparents deal with a SKID who is a covert narcissist? Here's the signs and please feel free to share your stories: 

Covert narcissists are experts at disguising themselves as normal people. While they come off as humble, considerate, and social, those around covert narcissists often sense a darker side. For example, the covert narcissist might make belittling comments, fish for compliments with self-deprecating remarks, or keep conversations focused on them.

Unless you know the subtle signs of covert narcissism, their manipulation tactics and false humility will keep you right where they want you. A person could even maintain a relationship with a covert narcissist much longer than an overt one because their narcissistic expressions are often masked. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a licensed clinical psychologist and narcissism expert, describes a covert narcissist: “These are the victimized, vulnerable, anxious, socially less-skilled, sullen and resentful narcissists.”

1. Shaming and Belittling

A covert narcissist won’t come out and say how important they think they are, like an overt narcissist might, but they will shame and belittle others to protect their inflated sense of self. They do this through passive comments designed to make themselves seem superior. Since covert narcissism is harder to spot, this trait may be difficult to identify. 

2. Hidden Grandiose Superiority

Covert narcissists harbor a grandiose sense of superiority despite their introverted mannerisms and self-deprecating tendencies. They believe they are uniquely gifted, smarter, and more aware, but maintain their empathetic facade by limiting their engagement and connection with others. If a person doesn’t seem to have many friends, it’s likely because they feel none of them can live up to their expectations.

3. Feelings of Disregard Toward Others

One of the critical attributes of people with covert narcissism is a strong need to be the focus of attention. Like overt narcissists, covert narcissists can easily disregard people who don’t contribute to their grandiose sense of self-importance. However, while an overt narcissist may be upfront about your irrelevance to them, a covert narcissist will communicate this more subtly, such as arriving late for a meeting, failing to show at all, or not acknowledging you entirely. 

4. Manipulation

Manipulation is a common trait across all types of narcissism. This is because narcissists only use others to get what they want. They’ll go to all lengths to manipulate others, using tactics of coercion, lying, passive-aggression, guilt-tripping, and gaslighting—anything to get you to do what serves them.

5. Gaslighting

When someone’s words or actions make you question your own perception of things, that’s called gaslighting. Gaslighting is a common method narcissists use to control others, particularly those in romantic relationships. It’s characterized by belittling the other person and making them feel that what they’re experiencing isn’t reality. It creates doubt and reduces the other person’s confidence, making them easier to manipulate. 

6. Self-Deprecating Superiority

Do you know someone who “fishes” for compliments? Covert narcissists thrive on getting the sympathy of others, and they’ll even put themselves down to get it. Unlike overt narcissists, covert narcissists mask their superiority complex with false humility and self-deprecating comments. For example, an overt narcissist might say, “You’re lucky to have me in your life,” while a covert narcissist would say, “I’m sorry I’ve been such a bother to you.” They don’t really believe they’ve been a bother to you—they just want to hear you reassure them of that. 

7. Emotionally Inaccessible to Others

At face value, a covert narcissist will appear friendly and kind. However, like dark empaths, covert narcissists are careful to keep their emotional distance from others. One reason for this is because they feel superior to others, and therefore view relationships as a waste of their time. Another reason is that they are envious of what others have and what they do not. These and other reasons result in general emotional unavailability. A covert narcissist will hear and see what you’re saying, but they won’t let you in. 

8. Hypersensitivity

As composed as they may seem, covert narcissists are surprisingly sensitive and fragile. Their insecurities about themselves often cause their self-esteem to fluctuate, making them hypersensitive and enraged at anything threatening their current self-view. For example, if you need to give a covert narcissist constructive criticism, prepare yourself for an emotional reaction and try not to take it personally.

My DH's mothers picture should appear next to the definition of narcissism in any textbook or dictionary.  She's passed on, now, but I can see the damage she did in the lives of her kids.