RAD, Juvenile Hall etc
I pretty much just need to vent to release my pent-up feelings.
SD12 has RAD (reactive attachment disorder). BM abandoned her and I raised her most of her life. I really could not imagine a child much more difficult to live with than her. Imagine all the worst things a troubled teenager could do, multiply it by 10 and put that in a 12 year old's body...that would be SD.
A positive: she is no longer physically abusive to my toddlers...she still tries to be verbally abusive at times (that is stopped immediately by me and DH)but the physical abuse stopped when she was put on Abilify.
OK, now the vents. She is not allowed to have a boyfriend due to being inappropriate, not allowed a cell phone due to texting boys photos, not allowed FB (although she has had 3 secret accounts). That is pretty much all she can't do. But she hates her life because we won't let her do anything (but she does it all anyways behind our backs-and remember this was taken away due to HER actions). She spread rumors around my home-town that I am abusive to her (but yet at her first acute stay at a mental hospital, she said she loves her relationship with me and doesn't want me to change a thing). My pastor/neighbor that I knew since I was a baby slipped a bit of the rumor and said I should tell my side of the story...yeah hold a town meeting to give medical info on my daughter to prove she is a liar...yeah that is mature...guess I will just let my name get run through the mud. She has her best friend's parents convinced we are abusive parents and they now talk bad about me in front of SD (so lying SD says, but I believe it because she knew something only the friend's mom had been told). SD ran away a couple of nights ago. We had her arrested (of course best friend's parents whose home she ran to begged us to reconsider due to the lies they believe). She is no longer allowed around that family (but I am sure she told them that so now they even more so believe we are abusive) Juvenile hall won't keep her due to her age and this is the first time we had her arrested. So she is on her way to the mental hospital again for another acute stay since we can't keep her safe.
Question: What do you do when you don't have medicaid so private insurance won't let you admit her to a permanent treatment center and you are scared to let a child stay living with you? She hates me and blames all of her life struggles on me. It's like no one will help us. I heard the state can take kids and make them a ward of the state while letting you keep custody...I wonder if that is where this will lead. I just hope I don't get killed in my sleep first. Just bought a gun safe last night with a key code because we were worried SD would find the key to the old safe and kill us off.
More to the vent: We are
More to the vent: We are buying a very nice new house. I am turning the 20x16 upstairs room into a family room/playroom. SD is ticked she doesn't get it all to herself and is stuck with the 18x10 room instead. She said she has to give her stuff away because her room will be too small. Then asked when we are buying her an expensive decoration she wants when she knows do to the purchase we are tight on money and not even buying furniture or decorations WE want. Then threw a fit she wasn't getting it. Then she said "isn't it funny how when you and Dad were separated I got to do whatever I want?" I said "remember your counselor told you kids that can do whatever they want don't have caring parents and grow up to fail at life? Maybe your dad felt guilty you were losing another mom and let you have that stuff". SD" I didn't care that I was losing another mom". Yep, she would rather have a cell phone than me in her life. Why exactly did I raise her the past 8 years?
You can send them to your
You can send them to your inlaws. That's what I did with my ss14 who is formally diagnosed with adhd and odd-but IMO has RAD as well. He has no empathy, concern, or care for any other human being. He would screw over anyone in a heartbeat to get what he wanted. He has since told my kiddos that he is soooo much happier at mil's because he now has a cell phone, is able to run around unsupervised, and has internet access. Those are also the things we didnt allow in our household because of HIS behaviors. He was looking at porn on the internet-he was using his cell phone to talk crap about ALL his caregivers, he was failing school, cultivating marijuana last year at his bm's, and passing his adhd meds to his 10 year old cousin just a few months ago. Juvenile justice also did not want to get involved-they told us they could charge him with cultivation and dealing-but those are serious charges so they did not want to stick those on a 13 year old.
He, too, used to be very physically aggressive, but did seem to grow out of it. He is very physically aggressive, with lots of threats, bullying, cursing at all of my kids. The only way to stop it is to watch him 24/7. Finally, dh and I gave up on helping him as I believe ss is a lost cause-we are focusing on helping ourselves and the other 3 children in our home.
It's so nice to hear from
It's so nice to hear from someone else that knows what these kids are like. SD also has no empathy, she has never been attached to anything. She laughed when her aunt's dog died. I asked how she would feel if it was her dog and she said she wouldn't care. At the time I thought she was just being a smart a**, but no...I really don't think she would care.
My inlaw's home is pretty much falling down so they aren't really an option. MIL did say if we rent her a house she would try her luck with her. It might be worth it.
I kept thinking some day she would appreciate me, but it will never happen. She doesn't want help to change her life because she likes being the way she is. She would give her entire family up for a cell phone and freedom. She just texted a boy (on her aunt's friend's daughter's phone...sneaky little thing) "you can knock me up if you want to" to a boy. Time to get her on the shot!
Please check out Nancy Thomas
Please check out Nancy Thomas and her website. She has been handling RAD kids for over 25 years. Her website led us to the counseler we use for my boyfriends child. Dealing with these kids is very hard. You need the support. And as our counseler tells us, you MUST take time for you and recharge. They need more than any other kids. We have only been working with the counseler for 3 months and already see change. But it must be one that knows RADs. Keep your head up!!!!
My ex and I had a out of
My ex and I had a out of control (my) step-son. When he was at a psychiatric institution for a month and my insurance ran out they of course wanted him to leave. We simply refused to pick him up and they called child protective services. They came and got him. Of course they contact us and we explained that he was uncontrollable. No punishment worked - our only recourse was to physically restrain him (which we had not done but what else was left?) and accompany him to school and literally sit in class and during breaks.
He simply did what he wanted to do and that was it.
They threatened us with criminal child abandonment. Of course we didn't literally abandon him (like on a strange city street corner) but we told them that we preferred to chance jail as opposed to taking him back. They realized we were serious and had him evaluated and placed in a group home. We did get a bill from the county each month. Soon enough he ran away, stole a vehicle, ended up in juvenile hall and in time turned 18.
Like your kid he did quite well while in a institution, psychiatric, juvenile hall, it didn't matter. As long as someone was right on top of him giving minute by minute direction and control he was amicable. But left to his own devices he just did whatever popped into his mind with no regard to others or consequences. Very sad. He's now an alcoholic and probable meth user in Las Vegas just out of jail the last I heard.
Yes, this is my ss14 exactly.
Yes, this is my ss14 exactly. He does whatever he likes. Always. On rare occassions, he seems to feel like complying, that used to give us hope, but then we realized he's only complying because HE wanted to at the time-thought there was something in it for him-whatever. No punishment has EVER worked on him-since he was little. No time outs, no spanking, not groundings, restrictions, no reward system. It all meant nothing to him. He wasnt going to WORK for any sort of reward as if he wanted something he'd just take it from someone else. Nor did he care about any sort of punishment as he had no intention of actually serving it.
I would think renting your mil a house would be worthwhile. We were talking about doubling what the original child support order was for bm if she'd take him back. We also talked about providing a house for his bil (back when we were still talking to him)to raise him. I am never going to say therapy wont work (as I am a therapist!)but these kiddos are hard to treat, you do need someone experienced in working with RAD, and you do need to have caregivers that are invested in participating in treatment with the kid. As these kids get older the chances of successful treatment diminish. My ss can do fairly well in a new household for a period of time (honeymoon phase)-it never seems to bother him in the least to move and he seems amenable to living with just about anyone (big red flag there). he never seems to miss anyone in his family when he is away from them. Right now my inlaws are letting him do whatever he likes-as long as that continues things will be ok for him-although what's going to happen is that he is going to get more and more demanding with his wants. eventually my inlaws wont be able to meet them and they will become the enemy to ss. Then ss will begin calling us (perhaps after months of silence) and his bm to see if we are options for him to move in with. Then the cycle will start all over.
Obsession with fire is a sign
Obsession with fire is a sign of RAD. SD likes to watch fire but so far no fire setting!
My husband's oldest daughter
My husband's oldest daughter was a ward of the state from the time she was 16 until she turned 18. We still paid CS, the state just kept it instead of forwarding on to BM.
Anyone know how you let your
Anyone know how you let your child become a ward of the state? I have found some good treatment centers for her, but we cannot afford $11,800/mo! And just taking her somewhere for the month my insurance would help with will not be long enough to do any good. After her acute stay, she was somewhat good for a while, but it was all a ploy to get us to think what we were doing was working. Just noticed today she is back to stealing, this time from her 4 year old sister. She is with her aunt right now since DH and I have to work...we already got a call that she sneaked onto a FB page we didn't know she had to brag about being in juvey.