Reducing the "2 of everything"
Skids have 2 Christmases, and sometimes 2 birthday parties. They get 2 Easter baskets. Pretty much any "gift-giving" occasion is now doubled since their parents are divorced.
How do you eliminate the duplication of every single event/holiday/party and still partake in these milestones with the kids?
BM will never back down on HER spending and/or party-throwing. We know that and don't try to control it. She will never invite DH to a birthday party. So we will always have the scaled down event with family .. never the big parties. Hopefully the skids grow up appreciating these more intimate events and not resenting DH for never participating in the big elaborate expensive parties.
We rotate Christmas with BM, so on our off-years we are planning to send some gifts to the skids, but not duplicate the whole big Christmas morning thing as we have in the past. When we have skids, we will do the traditional Christmas thing on Christmas morning .. so will BM (probably sometime in mid-December). We've also considered doing bigger vacations with the skids in the years we don't have Christmas, so they get different/new experiences with us.
What do you do, if anything, to reduce the spending on the skids? I just don't want them to grow up with this expectation of excess, ya know?
The way we did it in the past
The way we did it in the past was:
If the birthday/ holiday fell during BM time, she got to throw the celebration, no, we did not attend. Same with any other gift giving occasion that happened on her time.
At our house they would get the birthday present/card when they came over next. No additional party. Their Christmas presents would still be under the tree... but there was no second easter basket etc.
If the holidy/birthday occured on our time, we would plan the party, throw a big xmas etc.
We could not control if BM threw them a second one... and really dont care if she does.
Now: now we have them full time. So it is all on us.
"We could not control if BM
"We could not control if BM threw them a second one... and really dont care if she does"
This is exactly where we're at. As reasonable as we try to be, BM will not be outdone. She will always throw a party, or a celebration, or event .. so unless WE back off and make the effort to reduce the excess, they will always have 2.
Or at least they'll have 2 inconsistently .. which I think is just confusing for them.
oh I we also had an over
oh I we also had an over indulgent grandmother who "felt sorry" for the poor wittle SKIDS. Even though we had custody somehow BM managed to send pounds of candy and stuffed crap as did the grandmother. I gave up and would buy a few of their favorite candy bars and lots of new school supplies. They loved it. Well they loved that daddeee bought them so much nice stuff (he is still confused). I tend to do that with our BD13, some yummy candies that she loves a few pairs of crazy socks, new pens, paper etc.
The first year we didn't load them up there was a bit of a stink but when the went to school the next week with pretty spring pens and fresh new stuff the shock wore off. If I wasn't disengaging this year from SD27 I would have likely sent her a few packs of cute sticky notes and chick covered pens.
BM was crazy and didn't consistently give Christmas and birthday gifts. Kids get used to being lavished and start expecting it so we tried to make it as normal as possible in our house.
Think outside the box
We definitely try to do
We definitely try to do smaller, more thoughtful gifts. We have bought some expensive stuff in the past, and it sits in the bottom of the same toy box that the freebie toys from McDonald's Happy Meals do LOL
I'm really trying to prevent creating over-entitled brats who always show up at Daddy's house with their hands out!
We try to be creative and meaningful .. they both LOVE to read .. but we don't buy them books. We go to the library usually 1-2x a week (when they're local).
We have the joy (not so much)
We have the joy (not so much) of having the skids during Easter. The BM and family gets together and does an Easter Egg hunt and then dinner. We will not being doing an Easter Egg hunt, no baskets, maybe a meal. They do not appreciate Easter for any other reason than "stuff". I am done with the "stuff".
We have the skids for Easter
We have the skids for Easter weekend .. but we'll be flying to TX to celebrate it there with the skids. We'll be in a hotel for the weekend (a nice hotel, but still a hotel).
We will bring small baskets most likely, with simple gifts and some candy. We took the girls shopping last night to pick out Easter dresses, so we'll go to a local church service and have a nice dinner and find something fun to do while we're there.
BM also bought them Easter dresses. She also said that the Easter bunny will have to come to her house early since he won't be able to find them on Easter day (since they'll be in a hotel with us).
I really wish we would have
I really wish we would have done things differently here. My skid got two of everything as well. Always. Big bday parties. Big christmas's. Gifts from like 4 or even 5 sets of grandparents (for a long time he got gifts from his mom ex hubby's family and the current boyfriends family), he also has greatgrandparents that are still living and send him money for every single holiday. However, this kid STILL thinks he is a victim and gets the crap end of the stick.
I would have done as others suggested-if bm has him on a holiday-then that holiday is celebrated there and I might do something small at our house. For example, if she's throwing a big birthday bash, we might perhaps plan a dinner out at a restaurant of his choice with immediate family only or maybe allow him to have a friend spend the night and we might get him one small gift-say 15 or 20.00 worth. Same thing with easter. What kid needs multiple easter baskets? Maybe get him a chocolate bunny and be done with it. Teh skid will still end up getting more that way than any of the bio kids of the household, but at least its not over the top.
BM will always throw a big
BM will always throw a big party for birthdays, whether she has the skids on their actual birthday or not. She will pick the weekend before or after and do whatever she wants. It has always been this way, and I don't see it ever changing. So we can choose to compete, or we can back down and keep our "event" simple. A nice dinner out or a small sleepover is exactly what I'd consider doing.
As for Christmas, we rotate that holiday, so this past year, we did the big Christmas morning. BM did her big Christmas on Dec 15. Skids know Santa isn't real .. they know most kids don't get two Christmases. I don't want to set this standard.
This is something that bugs
This is something that bugs me too but as usual, I am the only one in the household that has a problem with it.
We have three children; BS, BD and SS.
BS and BD get ONE Christmas, ONE Easter, ONE Birthday party, etc...
SS gets TWO of everything.
So imagine how the conversation in our house went when DW tried to save a loot bag and a piece of cake for SS from BD's first birthday party.
First of all, it was up to SS to impress upon his Dad about being allowed to attend because the birthday occured during his Dad's weekend. His Dad said no.
DW says SS should get a loot bag and a piece of cake because it wasn't fair that SS couldn't attend because he was with his Dad. I said no, SS already doubles up on all the major gift giving events and NOW we have to save goodies and treats to the events he misses!? Frack that!
Stepdevil14 tried this
Stepdevil14 tried this bullshit too. She didn't get far
ditto
ditto
}:) }:)
I will add that we dont buy
I will add that we dont buy my skid anything any longer. I know, I know it sounds bad. But he no longer lives with us, nor visits, and in fact does not even speak to any of us. His last communication was several months ago when he outlined that he no longer has a father. Well, ok. Dh decided not to do an xmas gift simply because ss wasnt here. He had no plans of visiting or trying to see dh. Although I am quite certain had dh called and said I have a nice gift here for you-he'd come over and get it and leave. I am certain of that because that's what happened last Christmas. He had been refusing to visit for months, but calls right before xmas so dh rushed out and got gifts then told ss he had some over here on chrismas day. The kid literally came for less than 10 minutes got his gifts and left. I actually never knew he was here as I was in the bathroom for the entire freaking "visit" or "gift pick up". IMO, these kids that are so used to getting so much begin to see it as an expectation. Parents buy gifts. That's what they are supposed to do. No matter how you treat them. They are supposed to buy you things. I know that's how ss sees it anyway.
^^^Yep, this is SD14, to the
^^^Yep, this is SD14, to the "t". She gets nothing anymore because she doesn't want a relationship with her father.
This is the other thing I
This is the other thing I don't want to happen. I don't want the skids to equate their time at our home with gifts or presents or money. We do have more income (combined) than BM does, but we also save and spend responsibly. BM blows any extra dime she has trying to buy the skids' love and affection.
We will always be battling that .. and I just fear what happens in the future ..
DH used to be Disney Dad, he
DH used to be Disney Dad, he figured out his error when his sons would tell him that he has to buy them things or they wouldn't come over anymore. He told them fine, don't come over. BM forced them into the car the next visitation time.
We do not do birthday parties, we will make a special meal or go somewhere special for their birthdays. We tell them the limits for how much we will spend, and the older boy likes to push that boundry but has gotten the message. DH started using my saying....its not about stuff, its about memories.
DH tried this at first with
DH tried this at first with BM. He tried to coordinate gifts only to find BM was buying the exact items he said he would .. and giving them to skids months early as "early birthday gifts".
There is no coordination or cooperation between the two of them.
We don't have kids of our own just yet, but when we do, I don't want them to feel cheated or like they get so much less because their parents are still married. Hopefully the age difference between the skids and any future kids will be enough to nip that.
And skids act like they're
And skids act like they're sooooo oppressed.