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Regrets. The question of the day......

Rags's picture

Welcome to Rags' clan COVID central day 6.

Regrets.

Does anyone regret staying?

Has anyone ever regreted leaving?

For me the answer is Yes, and No. In that order.  I regreted staying in my first marriage past the actual wedding ceremony.  Though the divorce was difficult, I do not regret the end of that nightmare.

Sadly, hindsight is 20/20 and we cannot know what we don't know as we are living those situations.

Same with work.  I do not regret taking any role I have accepted in my career. Though there are a few that I regret staying in for too long.  I have only resigned from two companies in my career.  I regret neither of those decisions.  I have been RIFd due ti industry downturns, I have been displaced by acquisition a couple of times.  I have been relieased, no reason given, once.  That is the one I should have quit more than a year before I was released.

I do not regret that I am no longer there. I regret that I stayed as long as I did.  Much like my first marriage.

So?

Regrets.

Regret staying?

Or.

Regret leaving?

 

AgedOut's picture

I left my ex and yes I regret it.

 

He was a mean man who used his words as weapons and I regret not being strong enough to have left before the moment I knew we needed to go because my children's childhood was never going to hold any happiness if we stayed.

Looking back, there are few things in my life I truely regret and he is attached to all of them. 

 

 

CLove's picture

Its impossible to count them all.

I do regret getting together with Husband. Its been beneficial for both of us in many ways, but I regret the circumstances that led me to be with him. I wouldnt have my own house and the job and all that I currently enjoy.

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

I love and do not regret my marriage but I regret having put up with behavior and treatment from the SKIDs. It's been a tough road and I should have been in deep therapy the minute I set foot and began as a stepmom. They still throw out crumbs to DH (not as much me) and after decade + I am not chasing after those crumbs- they are not for me and even if they were they're not enough to stay engaged. SKIDs also villianize me and play the victim after they do and say terrible things and I've finally stopped feeling guilty about it. I've spent way too much time on trying to "fix it" or modify myself and I've come to realize that no one around me has made any changes for the better - they continue to be dysfunctional and never evolve or get better. I finally woke up and realized I was the only one making changes and attempting to be a better form of myself. I will continue to do that, but I regret allowing the pressure to be put all on me when so very little was done on their ends to rectify. It's been a taking, entitled, lack of any kind of empathy towards stepmom and DH enviroment -where we give, they pile on expectations and they are NEVER happy with anything we do. At this late stage in teh game, I have pulled back and I am focusing on the people who I can have a positive and reciprical relationship - after all these folks are not children, they are full blown adults so I can't excuse it any longer! I dont want to be elderly and have SKID berating me as I write out a check for their demand. DONE. 

Dogmom1321's picture

Wow, I could not have said it better myself! Yes, I love DH and don't regret HIM. I DO regret how I handled responsibilities/expectations, and BM drama at the beginning of our dating life. It made things much more complicated than they needed to be and caused so much stress in my mid-20s that was simply not necessary. I wish I had spent that time differently. Still in my early 30's, so life is far from over! Just wish I recognized it sooner is all. 

ImperfectlyPerfect's picture

Great outlook Dogmom1321! Yes we have so much life to live and we recognize it now! Let's move forward and live life to its fullest...maybe let some of this stuff and people become less prominent in our present and future. Way to go!

la_dulce_vida's picture

My regrets are mostly about times that I was unkind to other people throughout my lifetime. Times when I was cruel as a child or teen. Times when I didn't know better and lobbed insults at my first husband. I've apologized to him for that.

I don't regret meeting my XH1. I also don't (really) regret leaving him and divorcing him. I gave him 26 years of my life and he was miserable. He's still not a happy person.  My kids talk all the time about how he's always b*tching and complaining. It will drain the life out of you.

I don't regret meeting XH2 - the first months were delightful and we managed to make some incredible memories in spite of his evil side. I do regret buying a house with him at 5 months. I DO regret marrying him. I regret being with him for 4.5 years.

I don't regret my current partner, but I do think our days together are numbered. It's becoming clearer to me that he is not really capable of growth. Ask me in a year whether or not I regret sticking things out. LOL

Thanks for the thought provoking questions.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I have many regrets but i am also in a pretty good place right now. I don't regret waiting in terms of my current relationship. I love that i still live in my own home. Marriage and cohabitation are on the table only after all kids have launched. Rushing in would have been a disaster. I made mistakes when i was young, and am very cautious now. Maybe too cautious but i'm ok with that.

I regret not recognizing some of the struggles my youngest was having during the COVID crisis. I know that my job (healthcare), my mother's death, my accident (10 broken bones and a partially collapsed lung) blinded me to some of it. But, i deeply regret that step-drama and relationship stress may have further blinded me. I know that having a kid who is trans is not the end of the world, but i wish they could have learned to accept themselves the way they were born. I don't believe that they are a mistake and i think transitioning is a long, hard, difficult process. I wish i could have done something about that. 

Rags's picture

It is good to be a waffle brained man.  Everything has it's compartment.  I can assess a specific  situation and either regret or not regret it.  Nothing really touches anything else.  Only rarely does something spill over into another waffle divot.  Those incidents are rare enough that assessing and addressing them is not an overwhelming event.

Ladies having far more interconnections in their brain model have so much more complexity to deal with.

I both appreciate what you lovely ladies deal with, and appreciate not having to deal with it myself.

Man life is simple.  Sadly, many of us ignore waffle segments instead of addressing what is in them.

Take care of you.

Give rose

Catmom024's picture

I try not to think about it.  Living with regrets is a really slippery slope.  There are times I regret not putting up and shutting up when it comes to my ex.  If I'd have stayed it would have caused less pain for my son (my son saw his father every weekend and holiday after the divorce, but still...).  I will always feel bad that my son's parents are divorced.   I would also have a more financially secure future and a completely traditional marriage.

I do sometimes regret being involved with my SO who has 4 kids and a drunk ex.  21 years I've been in this situation.  The last of my youth was wasted in a toxic shit show.  Things are better now that his youngest is 30 but I live waiting for the other shoe to drop (PTSD).  On the whole,  we have a great life together.   We have  a lot of fun, and live on a farm which I love. 

I miss being a first wife.  

I enjoy my job and have super nice coworkers.   

Rags's picture

There are always elements of any decision that are regretful.  I regret being divorced. I do not regret divorcing. If that makes any sense at all.

Because I had no children with my XW, the divorce did not impact the lives of children.

The complexity of regret increases as the variables in play increase.  That makes sense to my man waffle brain.  Parents have considerations in play that non parents do not.

Thanks for highlighting the impact that kids bring to any consideration.  I get it, I just have not had to live it.

Take care of you.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I have no regrets. Not the mistakes I made, not even the hell I lived with psycho exh. 

Yes, I have permanent physical damage. Yes, I've screwed up. Yes, I've done stuff I should not have. Yes, I've said things that weren't kind.

But everything I've been through, every mistake I made put me where I am today. It has molded me into who and what I am. I'm stronger for having gone through it. I readily acknowledge my mistakes, correct, and move forward. I do my best to see both sides of the disagreement. I strive to find a kinder way to give negative feedback. I occasionally struggle with not snapping at DH when I'm in a foul mood, but have gotten much better.

For all of you STalkers: if I have ever hurt your feelings, I'm sorry. I may have used the wrong words, been careless, or had on my cranky pants and lashed out because I was a jerk that day. My sincere apologies. 

As always, I am a work in progress and doing my best to be a better person every day.

wolflady's picture

Yes I have regrets. Love my dh and tolerate the skids but regrett. What I said and didn't,what I've done and didn't. Not in a good head space right now and struggling to change it.

Rags's picture

I am in awe of all of you.  Thanks for your example of living life well and as good people.

I too have regrets.  Things I have done, things I have said, how I have said them, etc.. Fortunately I have for the most part learned from those experiences and have avoided repeating most of those things. 

However, I remain a work in progress.

My true blessing is an incredible woman who has put up with me and sees past my shortcomings.

Thank you all for sharing who you are and what you have lived.

Take care of you.

With sincere regards,

Rags

Give rose

Evil4's picture

Not a day went by in my 28 year marriage that I didn't regret getting together with a divorced dad. I thought I couldn't get anything else. I regret going on a second date with H when I questioned myself. I regret not leaving years ago. I regret not choosing me. I regret not loving or liking myself. I regret not seeing my value and I regret accepting pittance for love. All that even impacted my career. I've never been happy. I could have been had I chosen myself. 

To make a long story short I regret not choosing me. 

BobbyDazzler's picture

All of us have regrets of some sort. You can't live life without them. I don't regret marrying my Exhusband. We had 3 wonderful children together. That marriage was doomed from the start. Unfortunately, I made some bad choices. I regret those bad choices but I don't regret leaving him. 

While I love my DH (I remarried 5 years after divorcing ExH) I do have regrets about getting remarried.  To be honest, if I had known how tricky navigating through Step life was going to be, I wouldn't have remarried (anyone....not aiming that at my DH).

I have said this to friends and family alike...I will never get remarried again. My DH and I are more like roommates at this point than husband and wife. I'm in my 60s and he's in his 70s and both set in our ways. His family is his family and my family is my family. We both mind our own business until something happens that causes either of us to feel like some boundary has been crossed. He's a good man but I will never insert myself into another marriage where I have to deal with stepkids, stepgrandkids and baggage that's been collected through the years that I had nothing to do with. 

I also regret all the junk food I ate this past holiday season as now I have to lose 15 pounds instead of 10 Smile

walfredo's picture

with all my experience I've earned through the years... but I also realize if I had all that wisdom to begin with it would have shut me out of most of my favorite things in my life now, including my 3 kids I wouldn't trade for the world...  so I think I fall into the everything happened for a reason, and all I can do is learn and grow from it camp.