Rejection after Adult stepson found biological Dad
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Hi guys I am 58, I have recently been rejected by my 37 year old Stepson after he found his biological Dad.
The rejection is hard to deal with and rightly or wrongly feels like a betrayal, Bio Dad walks back in to my Sons life and carry's on where he left off when he was 1year old, can somone just help me reason this out THANKS !
What's his mother got to say
What's his mother got to say about? How long has this been going on? How much support did you give this man growing up?
I won't disparage your feelings, this must hurt. Betrayal is the right word. You would think a 37 yo man would be able to see facts and truth. His sperm donor must have laid it on thick to cause this to happen. So what kind of man is he? Do you know any of the story he told SS?
I am sorry you are hurting.
I am sorry you are hurting. That never feels good.
The truth is you married your wife who had a child with another man.
Be thankful he found his bio dad. Why didnt your wife tell her son who his father was?
Again I am sorry your hurt.
What can we do to help you?
I'm sure this must be very
I'm sure this must be very painful for you. Has he always known you were not his biological father?
Do you feel his interest in knowing his bio father is in itself a rejection or has he been more clear that he doesn't want you in his life? Were there no conflicts or estrangement prior to him meeting his dad?
I can imagine how painful
I can imagine how painful this must be for you as you raised and loved him as your own. Please know you are a wonderful man nonetheless and SS being with his dad has NOTHING to do with you. Take pride in knowing that you were there and loved him when his father didn't.
Sending you hugs & much healing!
Many questions
But first - Im sorry this happened. It simply sucks.
But I think it might help you to flesh it out a bit more. I found it has been very helpful to knock things out here, get really deep in the details.
Whenever, and if ever you are ready. Its a hard road that we steppers walk.
I have an SD13 that I love, but at the end of each visit I have to disengage myself as she gets dropped off to her mother Toxic Troll. Its REALLY hard to invest your heart and soul into another being that then rejects you. Its soul crushing.
100% Agree
Soul-crushing. Literally.
I'm sorry this is happening,
I'm sorry this is happening, that's hard.
Lots of people have ongoing positive relationships with stepkids that they helped raise, I know of several. So it's not true that no one should ever expend any energy on someone else's kid.
Your SS sounds very immature, quite honestly - this seems like the reaction of an 18-year-old who has just met his bio father. Where was the father? Did your SS have mental health issues that have led to him being immature in this way?
Rejection after Adult stepson found biological Dad
Thank you all for your input, SS had known about his biological father from an early age, we have no idea how long he has had contact with the BF the SS has been very guarded and this has only just come to light quite by accident through a comment on social media, since then the shutters have come down.
With regard to his Mother she is a fantastic Woman we have been married 30 years, this is a massive betrayal to her also, the BF was a complete arsehole to her, the SS understands this but he just doesn't care, someone mentioned disengage.......I think I agree with this path.
OK, so - him loving his other
OK, so - him loving his other parent is NOT a betrayal of her, no matter how awful the father treated her. That's the kind of thinking that makes women push the father out of the kid's life - is that what she did? Loving one parent doesn't mean he can't love the other, it's not a competition. How he treated HER has no impact on the fact that he's the father of the child that she choose to have with him.
So perhaps he's reacting to the fact that he now knows his mother kept him from his father and made you the replacement father?
Skid should be allowed to
Skid should be allowed to love both bio parents without the fear of "betraying" mom or stepdad. Mom needs to let go of her 37 yr old "baby" and allow him to live his life. It sounds like ss is pursing a relationship with his father that he had not previously been allowed to pursue. I got close to my bio father when I was an adult and had the space in my life and means to do so. My mother also felt betrayed even though she was a sh*t parent as well. I'm grateful that I did have that relationship with my father since he has now passed away.
Life is too short for this kind of drama. Let him go and maybe he'll come back. Keep accusing him of betraying you and his mother for the horror of wanting a relationship with his father and I can guarantee that he will never come back.
That the worst thing about stepworld
Bio parent did nothing for 30 years and now want to play dad to a adult child. All they want is to go drinking and playing golf with there kid. Yes, it hurts to wast your time and money to help this kid to be the adult they are.
Why is it bad for a 30+ yr
Why is it bad for a 30+ yr old grown man to grab a beer and play golf with their father? Why are we encouraging these "loyalty binds" well into adulthood? Aren't people allowed to have a relationship with those flawed humans they are biologically related to?
The point
I think the point is that Step Dad had to do all the hard things - parent, and pay, and give repercussions and be THERe through all the good as well as bad.
Now bio father is here and ready to go and be the "fun father" after all the work has been done. Its frustrating and hurtful that the SS is actively rejecting the Step Dad who has been there. Raising children is hard and expensive and this bio father got a "free ride", and no repercussions.
I believe there was a thing
I believe there was a thing called child support 36 years ago. This would have helped with the financial aspect of raising the kid. Even if bio dad dodged payment he would still have to pay back payment and interest for 17+ years IF mom actually insisted on child support. Sometimes women don't want support so that they can completely cut ties and erase the other parent from the kids life. Did stepdad formally adopt skid and have him take his name? Even if this was the case, adoptees still have the right to seek out their bio parents.
Lots of unanswered questions, but the bottom line is that the child in question is 37 years old. Mom and stepdad are probably close to retirement and should be focusing on enjoying their lives and planning for the future rather than obsessing over the fact that a grown man is having a long overdue relationship with his biological father.
I get the betrayal aspect. It's hard when you give everything to your kid, you're there for them, you're the one taking them to the doctor, but bio dad is the greatest thing ever because he dropped in, took them to a movie, then left. I'm dealing with a bio dad who drops in to see his kids for a few hours, a few times a year and he lives close by. It sucks, I get no acknowledgment from my kids, and bio dad still tries to create drama. That being said, I take full responsibility for the fact that I did a crappy job choosing who I procreated with. I was young, dumb, hormonal, and overly optimistic! Looking back I see the red flags clearly. It's my fault my kids have a sh*tty bio dad. But by God the man is paying child support and will support his son who has autism for as long as legally possible. My kids may get that I was the supportive parent who did all the hard stuff or they won't. All I know is that I love them and bite my tongue when it comes to speaking about their azzhat dad. They get to navigate that relationship and figure it all out on their own.
My heart hurts for you!
I myself feel betrayed, but not near to the degree that you do. Wow. I cannot imagine raising someone their entire life to have this kind of slap in the face. I've said it since I've been in this steplife that no matter what we as stepparents do, and no matter how rotten the bio parents are, these stepkids loyalty lies with the bioparent. It's a total slap in the face, I get it.
My own husband did the same thing to the people that raised him. They were his babysitters when he was a baby and his Mom being a young Mom decided to let them have him to raise (4 months old) and she cut off all contact. They raised him as their own although she would never allow them to adopt him. Neither of his bioparents paid these people a red cent. He always called them both Mom and Dad and when he was around the age of 16 his BioMom walked back into his life and he stopped calling them Mom and Dad and started calling her Mom even though this couple continued to raise him the rest of his childhood. My husband is now 54 and his loyalty still lies with his BioMom. His kids however know these other people as their grandparents and really have no relationship with my husband's BioMom. She gives them money at Christmas and that is about the extent of it. In fact, this other couple has been so much of their grandparents that they are leaving everything to both my Stepdaughters. However, my husband still calls them by their first names and has since the age of 16. Imagine that slap in the face, they weren't even his stepparents, they were essentially total strangers that were hired to babysit him and ended up raising him his entire life.
The bio-missing parent is
The bio-missing parent is just going to continue to rise throughout the ages. Outside of step and adoption situations, you have more couples using surrogates or outside contributors more and more often, whether that be due to infertility issues or same-sex couples choosing to have a child, etc. Of course, it used to be much more difficult to find BM or bio-dad without permissions. Now, you have online genetic testing available, and once that has been done, a BM or bio-dad or another close relative can easily just pop up out of nowhere online.
Yet, on TV, media and so on, you continue to hear and see nothing but huggee, kissy, touchy, feely stories about people hooking up with their bio-parents. I’m not putting down bio-parents or donators or surrogates at all, but maybe it is time to start putting the breaks on these unrealistic, made-for-TV bioparent reunion stories? Rarely is what happened after the fact ever shown; nor, do they really deal with the lack of permissions that can nowadays be missing, and calling someone out of the blue 25 years later and saying, “Guess What?” really doesn’t count.
Maybe as fewer people chose to become step-parents or adopt or raise someone else’s child, for whatever reason, it’ll start to sink in. Other than the mega-bound between BM and child (can’t fight that one), I think some of the reason why these kids decide to throw the people who loved them and raised them for years under the bus is because they keep seeing these fake happy-ending scenarios on TV when the bios all finally meet (or are forced to meet). Too much focus on the DNA connection alone vs. appreciation for whom it was that really raised and invested in you.
There is no reasoning it out.
There is no reasoning it out. You are his dad. For some reason his SpermDad has made an inroad into your son's life.
I know this has to break your heart. It would break mine.
I'm sorry you've been hurt by
I'm sorry you've been hurt by someone you love. I'd also like to know more details. You say the bio father picked back up where they were when the SS was 1 year old--what happened then?? Did the bio father leave? Was there a CO? Did he have visitation rights and refuse them? Was he ordered to pay CS and did he fail to do so? And I think a major key to what happened here is what your DW did. Did she discourage a relationship? Did she run down the bio? To characterize the SS now having a relationship with his bio father as a "betrayal" of your DW sure sounds like she engaged in PAS and made your SS not want to be around his dad while pushing you as the replacement. If this is what happened, I'm so very sorry for you.