SM of SD14... 2 BABY BOYS OF OWN. HAVE BEEN IN SD'S LIFE SINCE AGE OF 3, (YEARS AFTER BREAKUP) AND MY HUSBAND AND I TOOK CUSTODY OF SD
AT AGE 9. I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO RECOUNT THE MANY TRIALS WE'VE BEEN THROUGH, THE HURT, AND THE NONUNDERSTANDING ON BOTH OF OUR PARTS. THE MOST RECENT, AND ULTIMATELY, MOST PAINFUL, WAS MY FINDING LETTERS SHE'D WRITTEN. (I TOOK IT UPON MYSELF TO SEARCH HER ROOM, SHE'D BEEN ACTING MOODY, DEPRESSED, AND DISTANT) IT WAS AS IF SHE WAS WRITING LETTERS TO HER DAD. 'I LOVE YOU, DADDY. MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD. I WOULD NEVER HURT YOU DADDY. I CANNOT TELL YOU SOME THINGS FOR I'M AFRAID THEY'LL HURT YOU. I HATE HER, DADDY. I REALLY HATE HER, BUT I KNOW THAT YOU LOVE HER, AND I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU. AND NOW, SHE'S CARRYING YOUR BABY, DADDY.' AND THERE WAS MORE, WAY MORE, YET CANNOT DIVULGE THOSE SECRETS. HER DAD AND I SAT DOWN AND HAD A TALK WITH HER. I CRIED, SHE CRIED. I TOLD HER HOW MUCH I LOVED HER, AND THAT MAYBE SOMETIMES I WAS JEALOUS OF HER AND HER DAD'S ATTENTION, AND OTHER TIMES I TOOK IT OUT ON HER WHEN HER FATHER AND I FOUGHT BY DISTANCING MYSELF FROM BOTH OF THEM, ETC. I PROMISED TO CHANGE THIS. AND I HAVE. OR I TRY. MOST TIMES, SHE WILL NOT ALLOW ME TO BE CLOSE. HER MOTHER IS NOT IN HER LIFE. SHE CALLS, PERIODICALLY. SD VISITS HER IN SUMMER AND HOLIDAYS, BUT DOES NOT REALLY WISH TO GO. SHE'S AFRAID OF HURTING HER MOM'S FEELINGS. I FEEL AS IF SHE HAS NO MOTHER FIGURE, REALLY. I TRY. I HAVE MY RULES, I DO ALL THE DISCIPLINING (MY HUSBAND, WON'T). THIS IS WHY I FEAR SHE HATES ME. AND I RESENT HER SOMETIMES FOR FEELING THIS WAY ABOUT ME, WHEN AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, I'VE DONE NOTHING BUT GIVE AS MUCH LOVE TO HER AS I WOULD MY OWN, IF ONLY SHE WOULD ACCEPT. SHE IS ALWAYS CUTTING UP, HITTING, LAUGHING, PLAYING WITH MY HUSBAND. SHE NEVER DOES THIS WITH ME. I'M JEALOUS. IT'S LIKE SHE'S AFRAID OF ME. SHE TALKS TO ME, THOUGH. I KNOW MORE ABOUT HER AND HER FRIENDS, SCHOOL, BF THAN HER DADDY DOES. I GIVE ALL THE TALKS ABOUT SEX, DRUGS, RESPONSIBILITY, SCHOOL, ETC. I JUST FEEL SO UNAPPRECIATED, MISUNDERSTOOD, AND MOST OF ALL, UNLOVED. MY HUSBAND DOES NOT SEEM TO HELP IN THESE MATTERS, EITHER. HUSBAND TELLS ME TO DISCIPLINE, YET IF I CALL SD OUT ON SOMETHING THAT NEEDS TO BE DEALT WITH REPRIMANDING, HE GETS DEFENSIVE FOR HER. I'M REALLY STUMPED AS TO HOW TO BETTER MY RELATIONSHIP WITH TEENAGE SD. ANY IDEAS, SUGGESTIONS?
REGINA
Two things come to mind. One is that you have done a fabulous job of opening up, admitting you are not perfect (who is?) and clearly stating you want to work on the relationship. You have laid your heart out for all to see (and stamp on) which is a huge thing for you to do and I commend you. I'm not sure I could be so brave.
The second is that your SD seems to be protecting herself. The best form of defense is offense, and I wonder if she is protecting herself against the possibility that you may be gone from her life at some point as well.
The journey will be a long one, but you are doing all the right things and the reward could be huge - a daughter.
Remember not to allow anyone to take advantage of you. Be ready to negotiate but don't let anyone treat you badly, take advantage of you or disrespect you.
I think many teens go through thinking they hate their parents, especially the ones of the same sex. They don't. They love them and are suffering through the experiences of trying to figure out where they (the kids) fit in the world. This disengaging from the identity of child, into young adult is what I personally believe causes teens to "hate" the same sex parent, bio or not. How many of us run into adulthood saying, "I will NOT become my mother!" Only to find out one day that like techno improvements, we have in fact turned into a slightly newer version, complete with improvements as well as downsides to the upgrade.
I see with Anna who's 2, the part of her that still feels like we are the same person, and the struggle she faces at her growing curiosity to be her own little person in the larger world. Then when something's scary she jumps back into me for protection. When it's exciting she wants me to be a part of it.
I see in SD the part of her that WANTS to hate me, but wants my acceptance at the same time. The part that wants to hate BM but loves her somewhere deep down inside. And the part of her that secretly hopes to turn out like me, is terrified of turning into BM and outwardly insists she is her own autonomous person all the while displaying traits of DH, BM and myself. I think that's the struggle and they are just too immature emotionally to understand it.
It's still hell on us. I would never say I hate you to anyone (even BM believe it or not.) I hate the situation, I hate the part I have to play in it most times, I hate BM and SD's behavior. But I reserve "hate" for inanimate things and concepts...not people. I hope that SD will get there one day too. Of course I remember telling my own mom I hated her once. I wrote it on a chalkboard in my room and left it for her to see, likely when I got in trouble "unfairly" for something in elementary school. She cried. I never said it again. And even when those thoughts came to me through a very turbulent adolescence...I realized I hated my family situation, not my actual mom or dad. I wished I had been born to someone else at times, but....
Only age and wisdom can enlighten us to the fact that all we are we owe to our parents, no matter how much they hurt us or screwed up. If we end up liking who we are- we must give some of that credit to them. And if we don't...then we won't likely be able to find that gratitude ever.
I think kids deserve a certain level of emotional honesty. Not that we should burden them with our emotional health or anything...but you did a great service to your SD by letting her in. I do this with my SD too at times. I feel it important for her to see sincere sharing of our vulnerability is essential for the trust healthy relationships require.
All that being said, I don't let her see me hurt all the time or she would completely run me over on her way to Teenage Nirvana without a second glance.
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks
I have to admit I am finding it difficult to let go of resentment too. I resent my DH's two BM's so much because of the financial situation they have put us in. I know my resentment towards them changes how I feel about and treat the SKIDS. I also know that the one person responsible for this is DH for allowing it to happen in the first place!
I'm not even pretending to be logical about this. My resentment boils away 24/7 and I'm finding it difficult to let go. Help.
resentment & LOVE
SM of SD14... 2 BABY BOYS OF OWN. HAVE BEEN IN SD'S LIFE SINCE AGE OF 3, (YEARS AFTER BREAKUP) AND MY HUSBAND AND I TOOK CUSTODY OF SD
AT AGE 9. I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO RECOUNT THE MANY TRIALS WE'VE BEEN THROUGH, THE HURT, AND THE NONUNDERSTANDING ON BOTH OF OUR PARTS. THE MOST RECENT, AND ULTIMATELY, MOST PAINFUL, WAS MY FINDING LETTERS SHE'D WRITTEN. (I TOOK IT UPON MYSELF TO SEARCH HER ROOM, SHE'D BEEN ACTING MOODY, DEPRESSED, AND DISTANT) IT WAS AS IF SHE WAS WRITING LETTERS TO HER DAD. 'I LOVE YOU, DADDY. MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD. I WOULD NEVER HURT YOU DADDY. I CANNOT TELL YOU SOME THINGS FOR I'M AFRAID THEY'LL HURT YOU. I HATE HER, DADDY. I REALLY HATE HER, BUT I KNOW THAT YOU LOVE HER, AND I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU. AND NOW, SHE'S CARRYING YOUR BABY, DADDY.' AND THERE WAS MORE, WAY MORE, YET CANNOT DIVULGE THOSE SECRETS. HER DAD AND I SAT DOWN AND HAD A TALK WITH HER. I CRIED, SHE CRIED. I TOLD HER HOW MUCH I LOVED HER, AND THAT MAYBE SOMETIMES I WAS JEALOUS OF HER AND HER DAD'S ATTENTION, AND OTHER TIMES I TOOK IT OUT ON HER WHEN HER FATHER AND I FOUGHT BY DISTANCING MYSELF FROM BOTH OF THEM, ETC. I PROMISED TO CHANGE THIS. AND I HAVE. OR I TRY. MOST TIMES, SHE WILL NOT ALLOW ME TO BE CLOSE. HER MOTHER IS NOT IN HER LIFE. SHE CALLS, PERIODICALLY. SD VISITS HER IN SUMMER AND HOLIDAYS, BUT DOES NOT REALLY WISH TO GO. SHE'S AFRAID OF HURTING HER MOM'S FEELINGS. I FEEL AS IF SHE HAS NO MOTHER FIGURE, REALLY. I TRY. I HAVE MY RULES, I DO ALL THE DISCIPLINING (MY HUSBAND, WON'T). THIS IS WHY I FEAR SHE HATES ME. AND I RESENT HER SOMETIMES FOR FEELING THIS WAY ABOUT ME, WHEN AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, I'VE DONE NOTHING BUT GIVE AS MUCH LOVE TO HER AS I WOULD MY OWN, IF ONLY SHE WOULD ACCEPT. SHE IS ALWAYS CUTTING UP, HITTING, LAUGHING, PLAYING WITH MY HUSBAND. SHE NEVER DOES THIS WITH ME. I'M JEALOUS. IT'S LIKE SHE'S AFRAID OF ME. SHE TALKS TO ME, THOUGH. I KNOW MORE ABOUT HER AND HER FRIENDS, SCHOOL, BF THAN HER DADDY DOES. I GIVE ALL THE TALKS ABOUT SEX, DRUGS, RESPONSIBILITY, SCHOOL, ETC. I JUST FEEL SO UNAPPRECIATED, MISUNDERSTOOD, AND MOST OF ALL, UNLOVED. MY HUSBAND DOES NOT SEEM TO HELP IN THESE MATTERS, EITHER. HUSBAND TELLS ME TO DISCIPLINE, YET IF I CALL SD OUT ON SOMETHING THAT NEEDS TO BE DEALT WITH REPRIMANDING, HE GETS DEFENSIVE FOR HER. I'M REALLY STUMPED AS TO HOW TO BETTER MY RELATIONSHIP WITH TEENAGE SD. ANY IDEAS, SUGGESTIONS?
REGINA
Two things come to mind. One
Two things come to mind. One is that you have done a fabulous job of opening up, admitting you are not perfect (who is?) and clearly stating you want to work on the relationship. You have laid your heart out for all to see (and stamp on) which is a huge thing for you to do and I commend you. I'm not sure I could be so brave.
The second is that your SD seems to be protecting herself. The best form of defense is offense, and I wonder if she is protecting herself against the possibility that you may be gone from her life at some point as well.
The journey will be a long one, but you are doing all the right things and the reward could be huge - a daughter.
Remember not to allow anyone to take advantage of you. Be ready to negotiate but don't let anyone treat you badly, take advantage of you or disrespect you.
I want to say about hate...
I think many teens go through thinking they hate their parents, especially the ones of the same sex. They don't. They love them and are suffering through the experiences of trying to figure out where they (the kids) fit in the world. This disengaging from the identity of child, into young adult is what I personally believe causes teens to "hate" the same sex parent, bio or not. How many of us run into adulthood saying, "I will NOT become my mother!" Only to find out one day that like techno improvements, we have in fact turned into a slightly newer version, complete with improvements as well as downsides to the upgrade.
I see with Anna who's 2, the part of her that still feels like we are the same person, and the struggle she faces at her growing curiosity to be her own little person in the larger world. Then when something's scary she jumps back into me for protection. When it's exciting she wants me to be a part of it.
I see in SD the part of her that WANTS to hate me, but wants my acceptance at the same time. The part that wants to hate BM but loves her somewhere deep down inside. And the part of her that secretly hopes to turn out like me, is terrified of turning into BM and outwardly insists she is her own autonomous person all the while displaying traits of DH, BM and myself. I think that's the struggle and they are just too immature emotionally to understand it.
It's still hell on us. I would never say I hate you to anyone (even BM believe it or not.) I hate the situation, I hate the part I have to play in it most times, I hate BM and SD's behavior. But I reserve "hate" for inanimate things and concepts...not people. I hope that SD will get there one day too. Of course I remember telling my own mom I hated her once. I wrote it on a chalkboard in my room and left it for her to see, likely when I got in trouble "unfairly" for something in elementary school. She cried. I never said it again. And even when those thoughts came to me through a very turbulent adolescence...I realized I hated my family situation, not my actual mom or dad. I wished I had been born to someone else at times, but....
Only age and wisdom can enlighten us to the fact that all we are we owe to our parents, no matter how much they hurt us or screwed up. If we end up liking who we are- we must give some of that credit to them. And if we don't...then we won't likely be able to find that gratitude ever.
I think kids deserve a certain level of emotional honesty. Not that we should burden them with our emotional health or anything...but you did a great service to your SD by letting her in. I do this with my SD too at times. I feel it important for her to see sincere sharing of our vulnerability is essential for the trust healthy relationships require.
All that being said, I don't let her see me hurt all the time or she would completely run me over on her way to Teenage Nirvana without a second glance.
“I never gave away anything without wishing I had kept it; nor kept it without wishing I had given it away.” ~Louise Brooks
LOL
I have to admit I am finding it difficult to let go of resentment too. I resent my DH's two BM's so much because of the financial situation they have put us in. I know my resentment towards them changes how I feel about and treat the SKIDS. I also know that the one person responsible for this is DH for allowing it to happen in the first place!
I'm not even pretending to be logical about this. My resentment boils away 24/7 and I'm finding it difficult to let go. Help.