My SD15 no longer lives with us, because BM's house is more fun. Well she is out of control and it comes up a lot because of the town we live in. Definitely bigger than yours. An area that they refer to as a "Bubble". Well I run into people all the time that want to tell me about my SD. I have now started saying she is not my responsibility. She is her parents. I didn't raise her and have no intention of ever doing so. My answer is I don't have a SD. That seems to shut people up. This child has lied about me and my family continuously and I am tired of having to correct people on why she no longer lives with us. I have had people tell me that my husband threw her out. Not true, she sued us....The child is a brat.

All I suggest, is you tell anyone that says anything that you did not give birth to that child, she is a product of her parents parenting. Then walk away. You do not owe them any other explanation than that. That has helped me get rid of some of my frustration.

She needs to go to counseling? And you and your DH need to work as a team. I can't even imagine this whole teen pregnancy epidemic that is happening. I hate it. It's disgusting - and I don't understand WHY it is happening. You need to explain to DH that IF he does not crack down and HARD - terrible things are going to happen - and you won't let YOUR reputation be ruined because he won't follow through with discipline - my biggest fear is one of my stepdaughters coming home knocked up while their father is still paying CS on them...he looks at me like I am crazy - but uh - he has a boy craxy 6 and 8 year old and just do disgusting things - and of course I always catch them...ugh

Because y ou are all around her 24/7, you are a family. Forget about BM, you are the mother: Master Of The House's Efficient Regulation. It sounds like DH and SD are both very clueless about all you do for them. Start removing those privileges for SD. Don't let her eat if you have to (only one meal won't hurt her, just get her attention really well). My SS15 lost all of the stuff in his bedroom except the mattress at one time for nearly a week. He had 1 set of clothes, a toothbrush, and the mattress with sheets. I told him when he could start helping with chores and treating me with some respect, he could have me take him places, give him a bed and dresser, and watch my TV. I was blessed that BM was worn out on his antics and told him he couldn't go running back over there. They don't have to live with you, but if they do, they have to live by your rules. If they decide that they want to live elsewhere, take them to talk to a few kids that have been in the foster system for a while.

I may be hard on my boys, but they know how to act. If your SD was my skid, she wouldn't even get to get out of the door the way yours has been acting. I'd threaten homeschooling. When she thinks of a life with out her friends, she'll straighten up. Another one with SS15: when he started slipping at school, he was not allowed to leave the hosue or text his friends, when his grades went sufficiently up, he was gradually allowed some of those privileges back. You need to use what they care about to ge thtem to care about what you do. Because you don't have BM drama, you can be as strictas you need to be. If DH has an issue with it, ask him what he intends to do about this behavior. Then, say something like "I can go with that, but I need your help around the house if I'm going to be enforcing that punishment" or somethign like that. I told my DH last week "If you're going to do that punishment, I won't enforce it. You will have to be sure it's being taken care of." I respect his ability to take care of h is kids, as well as showing that I want to have my say too. I've even gone as far as to say to him "SS15 is breaking your rules. You better do something about it". I will enforce the rules, as long as DH backs me up. As soon as he starts being wishy washy, I make him do it. Usually straightens right up.

It's hard to be harsh with a kid, but kids with behavior issues need us to be strict. Thebn we need to talk to them about what's really going on, because kids naturally want us to put boundaries up. They also want us to be happy with what they do. Start congratulating her when she picks an appropriate outfit, when she acts nice toward someone, when she shows self-discipline in her chores. It will start to build a relationship, where it is easier to discipline. Some books that may help you: Have a new Kid by Friday by Kevin Lehman, Stepmothering by Pearl Prilik, Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin, and Stepmotherhood by Cherie Burns. Important stuff: talk to your DH about your feelings. If you have to, show him some of the stuff from those books to help him understand. Second, Talk only good things about BM and DH (if you can't, then don't talk about them). It will show your SD that you care enough to ignore the bad in some ppl. Third, give less attention to the bad things she does than the good. She will start craving that good attention.
Some discipline ideas: removing privileges and stuff, sending her to isolation rather than fighting, offering incentive to do the right things (take you out for ice cream once you're done with your homework and it's checked).

You can do this, but removing yourself just shows her that women should get out when child rearing gets tough. Show her how a real mother handles stuff. She'll respect you for it in the end.