first time issues with stepdaughter
Ok, I am not going to use the abbreviations, even though I did read the key in the FAQs because it is my first time, and I'd probably just mess them up and confuse everybody lol.
So...here is my issue. Today I am very upset because my hubby made plans to get his daughter (7 years old) on a nonvisitation weekend without even bothering to tell me anything about it until he was on his way to get her. He made the plans with her mom(BM) at least 2 days ago, so he could have told me.
See, we have a 3 year old and a 4 year old of our own, and I am a full-time working mother. I am very ok with having the stepdaughter on scheduled visits, or if I am included in the decision. Plus, we have like an 800 square foot house, so it's not even like I can just have my own space when she is here.
Hubby does not know what it is like to have a kid staying in your house that is somebody else's, as my 2 kids are both his. He doesn't understand that while I am happy to have her here every other weekend, I also look forward to the off weekends to relax and be with my two, as I am a full time working mom.
Anyway, I am the one who comes off to him as some kind of selfish "bee with an itch" because he thinks why should it matter or bother me to have his daughter around. He doesn't get why it should upset me if he springs the news on me as he is warming up his car to go get her on a weekend I was looking forward to as an "off-weekend." I have been very sick, too, with the flu all week and just wouldn't have felt up to it this weekend if he had asked. I think that's why he didn't talk to me about it before making plans with BM. (He sensed I would have not wanted to get her)
Any feedback from other step parents?
One final note - He and I had a relationship in which I had fallen in love with him prior to him getting the other woman pregnant. We were young, and he had some "wild oates" to sow, I guess, but in the end we are happy together now... My point is it's not like I fell in love with him when he already had a kid. The child wasn't part of the package during our early days. I was actually his "first", if you know what I mean. And it being the society we live in now, I just think he wanted to experience more than just one woman before settling down, and of course, this other woman lied about using birth control...
Wow, this got too long. If anybody actually takes the time to read all of this and respond - thank you!
I think there's a middle
I think there's a middle ground here. DH should have talked with you about this before making this decision with BM. I think what he needs to know is you probably would have been more ok with this if he had consulted with you.
If you feel like you need time away from SD, he needs to respect that too. During the weekends where he won't have her, maybe he could pick her up and take her out to dinner and/or a kids movie, then drop her back off at her mom's house. That way, he gets to see her and spend quality time with her, but you get your space that you need from her.
I would be annoyed too. He
I would be annoyed too. He definitely should have told you. You can't really say no to having her without causing upset but it would have been nice to have a heads up and felt like you were considered.
A couple of months ago my fdh agreed to have ss for 2 weeks so that bm can go on holiday (we usually have him eowe). I was furious that I hadn't been informed. In the end fdh realised it was unrealistic as he would have to take 2 weeks off unpaid when there are bills to pay..but yes I understand how you feel!
As for how the child came about, wow thats got to be hard. I hear all the time 'well you knew what you were getting yourself into' and you really didn't! Pat on the back for you