SD-14 birthday next week
Hi all,
My SO's daughter is turning 14 next week. She's been at her mom's full time for about the past 6 months - prior to that I had decided to disengage about 18 months ago. It was a great decision and has been really good for my relationship with SO. I still care very much for SD, but cannot/will not put up with being disrespected. My SO for the most part has stopped telling me conversations about SD that he has with his ex (bio-mom) and has stopped asking "what should I do" since he knows I will say I don't know or we will get into an argument.
When he asked her what she wanted to do for her birthday, she said she wanted him to take her to Las Vegas. When he stopped laughing and said "no, really"... she couldn't come up with anything. Of course we're not taking a 14 year old to Vegas for her birthday! Anyway, I know we are the last people on earth she wants to hang out with and I get that. My question is around gifts. I've known her since was 10 and have bought b-day and Christmas presents in the past. Typically it's something we can do together like show tickets or mani/pedi or massage. But since the whole disengaging thing, it seems weird buying her a gift.
I know if I talk to SO about it, he will tell me to do what I want (and he won't make me feel guilty about it) - he pretty much knows she's an unappreciative kid.
Anyone have any words of wisdom? 
I stopped doing anything for
I stopped doing anything for the SDs bdays. Christmas, my DH and I try to match what all the girls get because they are all opening together. We have 5 girls so I'll get 5 hats, 5 earbuds, etc. Then I will buy my two 1 or 2 nice things that I know they wanted.
My DSD turned 14 last month.
My DSD turned 14 last month. We gave her $80. Her sister was supposed to take her, my step-granddaughter and her best friend out to dinner and stood them up. They were all dressed and ready to go. I felt bad so I got dressed and took them. That was the last nice thing I did for her. Just two weeks ago she lied on me and told her mom that I cursed at her. She complained to my sister about the money we spent on my DS's birthday because her room needed painting. She's just ungrateful about everything. I'm sure her age plays a part in this too. She's going to learn that you can't throw people under the bus and expect them to be there for you.
Since you are disengaged, just let DH handle it. Maybe he can take her shopping. Or give BM a few extra bucks so she can take DSD shopping. Does your DSD still visit? How do you interact with her when she is at your house/ I haven't seen DSD since she left and I'm not looking forward to seeing her. But I will speak my peace to her about the lying, which I"m sure she's not looking forward to either.
Thanks for the thoughts. SO
Thanks for the thoughts. SO would take her to softball practices and games, but I stopped allowing her at my house well over a year ago due to her not respecting my house rules (we're not married and still have our own houses)... long story. I would still go to her softball tournaments, but would meet them there (did nothing to get her or any of the weekend supplies ready).
But after the way she treated me at a softball game 4th of July weekend, I stopped going to her games and that was the last time I saw her. She started on a new team this Fall and I went to her first tournament in October (just on Sunday, not the whole thing). I was surprised at the reception I got - she gave me a huge hug, remarked that it had been forever since she saw me and asked how I was doing - we had a nice chat. Same thing the next time I saw her a couple weeks later - I told her that I saw her grades and was very proud of her (she was failing everything last year, and her first semester this year was getting all A's and 1 B). I attribute a lot of her attitude toward me to her mom - she is a very insecure person (likely borderline) and cannot stand the thought of another woman in her daughter's life (especially one who represents everything she is not - independent, successful, financially secure, etc, not to mention the change in my SO's attitude toward her - she can't bully him around like she used to). My guess is she says some pretty nasty stuff about my SO and me, so one of my biggest reasons for removing myself was so that SD wouldn't be stuck in the middle (if she was actually having a good time with me, it would make her mom unhappy). It really has all been for the best.
He keeps asking her what she wants to do (besides to to Vegas, lol) and is stressed out because he's not getting an answer. Typical kid - they have everything they want the minute they want it, so there is nothing they can think of or look forward to. Same thing will happen as Christmas gets closer.
i am glad op is disengaged.
i am glad op is disengaged. this is the best in the long haul.
i was very open and generous to the skids but over the decades it came clear that i was really nothing to them. only the fathers wife. and that is the way it should be.
the skids are all on their own and live away and i never hear from them. the last time i sent a nice but unsolicited kitchen appliance to sd. i know she is using it. she called me up and gave me a half heart thank you. i never heard from her again. now she just had a baby and i really have not talked to her especially after i was left out of the face time after she had her baby. tired of not being appreciated or not included so better off on my own and disengaged.
i agree that dh should handle issues with his own children.