Selfish confessions of a step mum
Hello! I've just joined, I'm a stepmother of three children all under 10 and I am raising them with my partner in our home. Though I have a really supportive partner and family I still just feel alone.
I love my kids like they are my own, I can't help it I'm raising them as they were as I failed to acknowledge that difference between mum and step mum. I know I'm not their mum, but mum is only in the picture 2 hours a week when she feels like it so it's hard not to feel like mum when you are doing the job.
However, even though I have all of the time I still get fustrated at BM. I know I'm my heart of hearts that she is their mum and I can't take that right away from her and I wouldn't want to. She absolutely hates me, and isnt shy about it. In an ideal world maybe I could get on with her, I'm a reasonable person and life would be easier but she is so mad at me. Unfortunately social services and the courts are the reason why mum has restricted rights to her children but that reality just won't sink in. She blames everyone but herself and her favourite punch bag is me though I wasn't even on the scene when she lost her children.
She doesn't want a sniff of them until it's their birthdays or Christmas and it just gets under my skin and I feel selfish for thinking why should she get to make her demands when I work full time and raise her children every single day.
I know I should be greatful for all that I have, and that I shouldn't expect a good outcome out of loving children who are never going to really be mine. But I have raised them as my own and with help brought them out of the trauma caused by the abuse, and dropping them off with a woman who caused so much damage to them just destroyes me every time. Somebody please smack some sense into me!
Pat yourself in the back
It sounds like you are doing an amazing job as the stepmum you decided to be. It also sounds you're very maternal. You can't help that part of yourself. However, always remember the child's point of view. You might be another mother figure, but they already have a mom and a dad. The original bond to those first figures in their life is very, very strong. It's just how it is. Personal examples: 1. I was raised by abusive parents, and even in my 20's I would go back to their house just to show them what a good daughter I was and hoping to be accepted and truly loved by them (like I had seen other true families do). Obviously, that didn't work out that well. I had other parental figures at that time, and that wasn't enough for me, until I finally became a true indenpendent adult.
2. I have 4SK who have a mother with BPD (diagnosed borderline) with unfortunately, abusive tendencies. SD17 has always been haunted by how her BM treated her, and has decided she won't even talk to her until she gets an apology from her. I see, though, how she wishes her BM had been their for her milestones, playing with makeup, boyfriend advice, searching for colleges, her first car, etc. She is happy that DH and I were there for her, and she even daydreams how I would be there for her wedding. Heartbreaking and heartwarming, ain't it? At the same time, she can also treat me with contempt and jealousy, wondering if just because I'm a woman I'm just like BM. All in all, her adolescent heart is like this: "I wish you had been by mom, but you aren't. Still, I love and hate you, stepmom."
I can guarantee you the same feelings have run across the other daughters, remembering fondly the rare good times of their BM and the fear and pain experienced by her rejection and physical abuse. I'm viewed with love and hatred. Who knows what they will think of me when they're adults, even though I am watching fondly and happily over their personal growths.
Best way to think about it is that I'm a mentor/friend to the children who also acts motherly. I can not help how they view me. I can only be happy mentoring them in the hopes they will become members of society/adults. I also can not help how BM views me (she slanders me all the time, even saying I'm an abusive person). I can only be myself. They're not my kids, so I can't take it too personally if they see me with conflicting emotions. I would be more worried if my own kids were viewing me that way. And remember, there's nothing like having your own biokids. And if you can't have biokids, look for other ways your maternal side can be fulfilled and your life can have meaning.
Thank you
Thank you very much for getting back to me guys you've opened my eyes. I suppose I know deep down that they will one day reject me and turn on me but I guess that it ok to. Maybe that will be the time I will take a step back and let them make their own minds up about the situation but I will always make sure they know I will be there if they need me because I could never really turn my back on them. However I see now that I really need to start preparing myself for a lot of pain but what parent or step parent doesn't go through hell with ther kids at some point right? Maybe I might be in the role of step mum right now but when they are older they might need a good friend who's always been there? I'll be what they want me to be at the end of the day.
"I'll be what they want me to
"I'll be what they want me to be at the end of the day."
Then I guess your role will always be at the skids and their mothers whim, as it is anyway with SM's. I wonder how long you can go as just being "whatever" to them before you feel completely used, snap and want nothing to do with them?. You are their Stepmother, aka glorified nanny, and as others have stated they likely will turn on you especially since BM isn't shy about hating you.