Should DH tell SS13 how he was Conceived?
I saw a similar post awhile ago but can't find it now so here goes...,
SS13 is NOT Biologically BM or DH child. Both DH and BM were unable to have children so they used a egg and Sperm donor. BM gave birth to SS13.
DH wants to tell SS13 the truth as SS13 believes both DH and BM are his Biological parents. Why...because DH believes SS13 is ok'd enough to know the truth. Now DH strongly believes BM will fight DH on this Decision as BM has led SS13 to believe he is biological hers. So DH plans on telling SS13 without telling BM first.
Here are my concerns...
1. Is it really Necessary at 13 for SS to know the truth unless he is asking which he is not?
2. Should DH reach out to BM to find out if she wants to be there when DH tells SS13? I totally agree BM will be against tell SS13 so not sure how that would go.
Any other thoughts?
Why is he so hell bent on
Why is he so hell bent on doing this? I guess he doesn't realise that 13 is an already difficult age - hormones, figuring out his independence and who he is, more demanding school and social life?
Seriously, I don't think your husband could pick a worse age to drop this bomb if he tried. And divorced or not, this really is something that bm should also have a say in.
I think it's a TERRIBLE idea.
I think it's a TERRIBLE idea. Here's the point. Many couples struggle with fertility. Families that are intact and use donor DNA rarely tell their children that they aren't theirs. They are theirs in every way that matter. Plus it doesn't make the donors SS's parents. Because DH is divorced from BM, dropping this info on SS may make DH seem vindictive and manipulative, as a revenge tactic on BM. Like, "my first family failed so now I'm going to drop the bomb." It seems like he is doing it to detach from his past. Would he feel inclined to tell SS this information if he was still married to BM and happy with her?
Plus the information may cause SS to question everything and pull away from his family when it really isn't a big deal. It's not like he is adopted or anything and is missing an entire family he didn't know about. I think this is a conversation for when he is an adult because it will be important for medical purposes (i.e. blood type, preexisting conditions, etc.)
From your previous post, your
From your previous post, your SS is 13 but is still really clingy and babyish with his dad. That sounds like his attachment is insecure to start with. Telling him this can only make it worse, and worsen any emotional problems he already has, and if sounds like he has some. I question your DH's judgement and i wonder if he has done or said other things that contribute to the strange ways your SS acts.
Unless BM, DH, and you are
Unless BM, DH, and you are the only three people who know this, someday someone will say something to SS and the biological fairy tale will come apart. The knowledge of this should have been part of SS's birth story from the beginning.
(My opinion) DH should consult a therapist about this and listen to the advice he receives. SS should have therapy to help him process this after he is told.
Ancestry DNA. Someone's gonna
Ancestry DNA. Someone's gonna tell him, either a bio relative that reaches out or a family member. Or someday when a medical issue comes up he might need to know.
I agree with your DH that SS
I agree with your DH that SS should be told that DH and BM are not his biological parents. However, I could not be more opposed to your DH telling him now, against BM's wishes and/or without her knowledge. Unless he's a very mature 13 and he's been asking questions, or unless someone just gave him a 23 and Me test kit for Christmas, now just doesn't seem like the right time. And for DH to tell him alone, over BM's objections, is just wrong. That is the type of thing that should come from both parents, or at least from one parent with the full knowledge and consent of the other, who is then ready to discuss it if the child wants.
I have two childhood friends (twins) who were conceived using donor eggs. They were told when they were young, and no big deal was made of it. It was just one of those facts that they knew for most of their lives. To me, this seems like the right approach. That ship has already sailed with respect to SS, though, so I think your DH (and BM) need to be careful and sensitive. I do think they need to plan on telling SS - these days I think you have to plan on that - there are usually other people who know about it, and secrets don't stay secrets forever, plus in the day and age of genetic and ancestry testing, it's hard to keep something like that under wraps.
I think your DH should let BM know that he intends on telling SS when he's at an age where he thinks he can handle it and ask if she has thoughts on that age and wants to be involved. If BM has strong objections, DH should consider waiting until SS is 18 unless he's likely to find out from someone else. At least when he turns 18 it seems more like it's something they planned to tell him when he was an adult, as opposed to planning to keep it from him forever. But he should definitely put BM on notice that SS will be told at some point so that she can stop lying to him if in fact she is. If SS has a therapist for other issues, I would most definitely discuss it with that therapist. I would also think the fertility clinic/doctor where DH and BM went might have counselors on staff who have experience with this; if so reaching out to them is another option.
I do agree that having him
I do agree that having him know from birth would have been the best route. I read an article about a young woman who was born with HIV, and she said that having it was something she always knew about herself, in her own words "having HIV was like being Black and being a girl, it's just something about me i've always accepted."
I worked with kids in the school system who found out they had HIV in their teens and reacted badly. One even became promiscuous and tried to infect people on purpose. Coming from donor egg and sperm at least isn't a health risk with a social stigma, but it will still be a shock.
I like the idea of telling him at 18. It makes it seem like a milestone, being given information because he's now an adult. Telling him now seems almost like a dig at BM. Like it's about the parents and their grievance, not for the benefit of the kid.
I think it's definitely not
I think it's definitely not the right time. Had he known his whole life it wouldn't have been a big deal. But now that he has grown up with certain beliefs it would be unnecessarily shocking to him. Especially since teens struggle with life in general.
I would wait until he is older and more mature and can understand.
He should have been told the
He should have been told the day he was born and every day thereafter, but alas. People think they can get away with not telling kids and it always backfires.
He shouldn't tell him if he's not going to notify BM and consider her concerns - but even with her concerns, he might want to tell him at some point anyway, or I promise he will find out in a way that makes him resent both of his parents.
So now what would be the best thing??
Ok since neither BM or DH told SS13 from birth. Since BM has gone out of her way to keep this a secret from SS13 and will more than likely cause lots of drama if DH tells SS13 now. Then add SS13 does have other Emotional problems and does not do well with change I have a feeling SS13 will not handle this new information well.
This being the case is DH better off waiting till SS13 is 18? If DH tells BM he plans on telling SS13 and BM flips out then what?
I also kind of agree that now
I also kind of agree that now is not the right time really.. unless he can get BM on board with this.. it's a lot to unpack for a 13 yo and it is beyond the pale wrong to spring this on him.. and not have BM on the same page to help pick up the pieces.
What is your DH's motivation
What is your DH's motivation for wanting to tell SS right now?
The reason is..,,
BM is a Diabetic and lately SS13 has been worrying he is going to get Diabetes because BM has it and she is his biological mom. It was never a issue till now. DH would have no problem involving BM in the disclosure BUT DH knows BM will flip out and not agree.
Ah. Instead of unloading
Ah. Instead of unloading this information on SS when he is obviously NOT capable of processing it, why not reassure him having a diabetic parent doesn't mean he will necessarily develop diabetes?
And Don't forget to teach him
And Don't forget to teach him healthy eating habits will most likely help him avoid Diabetes type 2 as well.
They should have been honest
They should have been honest with the kid the whole time. Sooner is better as far as telling the Skid is concerned. IMHO.
With the divorce
And splitting time between homes. His bio parents fighting. He may feel he caused the break up.
He has to know, don't think this is the right time to add this to his plate.
Chrildren of divorce parents should be seeing a therapist to work out there problems. You can't make a change in a young kid life with out getting bad results
I know a friend who found out
I know a friend who found out she was adopted when doing blood typing in sophmore year. Ancestry, 23 & me are becoming more popular. There are some genetic quirks - clef chin, eye color etc. which may give it away before he turns 18. Lots of good reasons for him to know. However, it should definitely be something BM & DH agree on. If they can't agree - DH can tell him at 18 or when it comes up.
Kids should be told the truth
Kids should be told the truth as soon as possible about adoptions, kids born outside of a marriage and now IVF.
Before some mean person in the family spills the bean during the next cookout.
JMO .
Hang in there...