It is a sacrifice to raise someone else's kids.

It sounds like you love her more than she loves you. You are willing to do far more for her happiness than she is for yours. Good luck.

In my case, I'm the one who gave up my home, my job, my friends, in order to move to where my fiance lived, because of his daughter (he's non-custodial.)
Honestly, I see dealing with his daughter (by that, I mean mostly dealing with HIS behavior, with regard to said daughter) to be the greater of the two sacrifices I've made! And that's just being around her one weeknight/week, and EOWe.
Perhaps this is especially true because I have no children of my own. Still, having to live, even on a part-time basis, with the child(ren) created by my spouse with another, previous spouse, is perhaps the most difficult thing I've ever had to do.
For your fiancee, having to do so full time? With NEVER a break? She's right, it's certainly a sacrifice equal to what you gave up in being the one to move.
Not saying she's right. Or you're right. Just saying, living with some other woman's kids, SUCKS. And it doesn't magically not suck if you like the kids. It's still, right there, in your face, every day, dealing with your spouse's past.
I certainly know DH treats me differently when SD is with us. So, even though I don't actually dislike SD, I HATE when she's around, because of my DH's behavior when she's present.
Are you, perhaps unconsciously, putting your fiancee down, in the presence of the children, in order to "reassure" your own kids?

Well Dad, she's made her feelings pretty clear. Let her go , but I don't think being bitter is an appropriate response to her honesty. It is a huge responsibility to live with, much less care for, a pack of someone else's kids. She did you a favor to admit that she wasn't prepared to do that.

I'm sure it does hurt to have given up so much and put your custody status at jeopardy to be with this woman. Most I can do is pray that while her window closes, a rich new door somehow opens in your life. Take care of yourself and your beloved babies. (huggs)

It sounds like you already know what you ought to do, it's just that it's hard and you don't want to admit it. It is a sacrifice to give up life as you know it to have kids - all parents do this and know that going into it. So for her to get insta-family with four kids, I'm sure it is a sacrifice to her. She has to sacrifice having you all to herself, and various other things she may find to be important (quiet, privacy, I don't really know, everyone's different).

However, the pertinent point here seems to be that there is something extremely important to you - custody of your kids - which Should be very important to you and she's been totally non-supportive about it. I don't have this kind of situation and I can't honestly say that I love my SD. However, if there was something that I could do to keep him from being "destroyed", I'd do it in a heartbeat. Particularly if the alternative was the kid going to a situation where she would be mistreated.

It sounds like your needs are not being met and sometimes love is not enough. Being a step is hard and it is a sacrifice. But it sounds like you are already resenting the finances - have you two talked about who's going to be responsible for what? Are you going to be solely responsible for all the costs associated with your kids as well as the housing, car etc for all of you?

If you're bitter now and you aren't seeing her side (and it sounds kind of like you think she doesn't really have side) you're not going to get over it and it's going to get worse. How are you going to feel if you have a child with her and she favors her own child?

You two obviously need to have some serious talks before getting any more involved.

I moved to be with my DH and his skids....brought mine with me but its been nothing but horrible accusations from the BM since, and as for my DH's kids....they are just revolting...

If I had my time again...I wouldnt have done it....

well not until something was more settled....as in he made sure them skids knew what side their bread was buttered, and the BM stopped thinking my DH's wallet was hers still....

so my advice would be stop....dont go ahead with what you are considering....stay a single dad and love your kids - do what ever it is you can for them and then when its time to put love first, kids second perhaps if you are both still single...give it another go....

but right now is not the right time....

sorry

youll be so miserable, and so will she if you go ahead right now...

Thats a tough one. I see both sides completely. It is a huge sacrifice to take in 4 children. Being that there old does make it a bit less pull the hair out, but still. And full time at that. And being that I'm guessing she hasn't been around them full time until you moved there. There is an adjustment period to take into consideration as well. Its a huge thing to adjust to, especially not having children of her own. Its a life altering change. So I do see it as being a hard thing for her. Cause she maybe feeling that yes you guys move there and have each other. But if she moves there she will have no one. I imagine uprooting your family and moving to another state was not an easy dessission and I'm sure you took everything in to consideration. Its always hard to take someone else children in and try to be there for them, parenting, as a friend, its an awkward phase/adjustment. Especially when theres no break from kids. It takes a special person to open up to try and be part of there life and allow them to be apart of yours.

But on the other hand I feel your let down to think she isn't willing to do the same and move for the sake of you and your kids. And to feel that she doesn't care for you as much as you do. I completely understand. But too you guys probably haven't lived together long and its still somewhat new and she maybe scared, loss of freedom, no more walking around the house nude. HAHA but you know what I mean.

I could never move cause of my son, and my BF would never move cause of daughter, but thank gosh we all live 20 min from each other. But I do know it's hard trying to bond with a little girl who's 2 and you can see in her eyes that she's like hey he's my dad get the heck away. And I'll admit I get jealous, which I know is silly. We have our kids opposite weekends (hopefully to be the same when the BM gets her head out of her ass) so the week I don't have my son we get 5 nights kid free every 2 weeks and we both savour every moment. kids are alot of work, whether you are the one parenting or standing on the sidelines.

So I think and I hope for your sake that things work out for you. I would maybe give her a bit more time. Maybe once everyone adjust and gets settled that she'll realize how kids can litterly light up your life. This is coming from someone who till the day I found out I was prego was NEVER having kids. I wouldn't change things for anything.

*also not sure if you're already do this or not, but set aside one night a week for date night, alone time no children.

I don't see it. She doesn't love him enough because she isn't willing to accept his kids?
Give me a break.

I am going to have to give her the benefit of the doubt just because I see wonderful women and men on this site who sacrifice daily for their skids and Dh's, and are taken advantage of. And live with disney dad/mom syndrome.

You are expecting her to accept your 4 kids. I've got news for you, you probably think your kids are all of that and a bag of chips. You probably think they are good, and easy to get along with. You only think that because they are YOUR kids.

This is a tough pill to swallow, for both of you. You because you sacrificed to be with her and her because this was probably not what she thought she was getting.

I know it is hard for you to see but maybe it really is the best thing for all of you. Being a step parent isn't easy...Being a step mom to 4 instantly is a nightmare.

And for you, not seeing how all this was going to affect the woman you love is hard for you. I can understand why you are angry when you have moved to be with her and may be giving up custody of your children.

I can see why you would be hurt and disappointed. I would try and look at it this way; she let you know clearly what she can and can't do. Now it's up to you to decide if you can live with her limits, if you want to call them that, or not. She may change, for the better or for the worse! but she told you pretty clearly where she is at. She has a right to do that and you have the right to try and make this work, or not.

This is her problem. Does no sound like she will ever accept your life with your kids. We all have baggage, she just doesn't want to carry yours. I knew he had kids when I married him. I accepted that. Do I want to raise his kids, not particularly. But, I will help him to raise them, because I love him. Doesn't sound like she loves you enough to make any compromises.

I have no bio-kids and I married a man with two. They are nice kids for the most part (their mom is a nightmare), but it is a HUGE HUGE adjustment living with somebody else's kids. It's an adjustment getting married and living with another adult. Add kids to the mix...and mine are only here part time.

I tell my DH that he will never understand how a step-parent feels because he isn't one. Can I say I love his kids? I care about them greatly, but I don't feel that "bond". I feel more of a bond with my best friend's kids whom I have known all their lives.

I really feel for both of you. I can see each side of this. You have to take responsibility for the decisions you made. You did not have to move. Am I correct in assuming you knew she would not move before you moved? It's not a total sacrifice on your part...you moved to be with a woman you love...you are getting something out of it. You didn't move just for her sake.

I don't really know what to make of her being unwilling to move. I can understand why you were hurt when you were in danger of losing your kids. I wonder if there is fear on her part (could be of a lot of things). Again, I have to go back to...you knew she would not move and you chose to move to be with her.

I think the best thing for you to do would be to see a counselor and help you sort it all out. Find out why she's so adamant about not moving. Figure out if being bitter is reasonable.

Think of it this way...if you were to move back to your original state with her, she would be making ALL the sacrifice. Losing her job, hometown, family...and living with 4 kids who aren't hers. That's a tall order for anybody.

Sorry I'm not much help. I'm sort of just thinking out loud here. Hopefully I can give you a little perspective about what it's like to be a stepmom with no bio-kids. Please feel free to ask if you have any specific questions and I'll do my best to answer.

I don't think you should throw in the towel just yet. Give it a little more time and get some answers first. Armed with more info, you'll know what to do. I try to live by this...when in doubt, wait. Answers eventually come. She may not be the one for you in the end, but at least you'll have tried. Good luck!

Yes I believe it is a sacrifice. Even if it was only one child. In your case, it's four! I sacrificed when I got involved with my husband. He has one daughter. It is a life changing thing to go from no kids to one or more kids. Us as women choose to be with these men with children. Therefore we sacrifice the care free lives we COULD have if we stayed single or got with a man with no children.

Forgive me but she would be crazy to move back to your home state with you. I am sure that she loves you but relationships go wrong and step-relationships go wrong in more ways than can be counted. Regardless of where YOU are living, you have the love of your children and the ability to look forward to a future with them.

If the relationship does not work, what does she have? If she stays where she is, she has a support network and can recover. If she goes to your home state, she is alone and has nothing.

The romantic view that she should be willing to sacrifice everything for you and your children would only work for a girl under 25 or a very immature woman. A grown woman needs to consider all issues and not simply jump into an abyss under the guise of love and romance. If any of your children are daughters, this woman seems like someone who can teach them how to grow into independant young women who will not get burned like so many do.

Just thought of a couple more things. Maybe its not a case of you loving her more and her not enough. Some people are just not built that way to love someone that entirelly especially if they have been independant there life. Maybe she's having a hard time too of letting that total and compltely independence let go. Maybe she feels she shows how much she cares in a different way. Maybe too in her mind that being accepting of your children is showing you that Yes she does love you so much that she's willing to do this, and maybe that's somethingg she vowed to herself she would never do. One never knows the true type of compermise someone is making. Maybe she told herself before she met you that she would never ever get invloved with a man with children. Theres so many varieables that could make ones head spin.
But as far as comparing how much you love her to her loving you, it might not be that simple. Everyones different. On saturday night after maybe a couple too many beers I'm a blabber mouth and yes its been a stressful month for us. not between us but with my BF life. I've supported him through prolly the toughest time of his life, not financially but emotionally. And anyways this last months left me feeling pretty ensecure with our realationship with, courts, BM, and a tonne of other things. So anyways after my couple beers I start being Chatty Kathy. And got into the whole feeling like he doesn't care about me as much as I care for him. Him knowing me just didn't say much other then you know I care about you. So in the morning he gets up I'm slowly waking up, and in he comes with a coffee for me and lays back down and just holds me. He didn't have to say a thing and I felt like the luckiest gal in the world.
Just meaning that maybe she shows her feelings in a way that you don't know or can see. And maybe she thinks she's being totally blunt.
Theres always ups and downs and fights and disagreements.
Also too, maybe cause you mentioned her job being her identity. Well maybe to her it is and its her sense of security, and she needs that. Especially being a fairly newer situation. I have a huge lifted Jeep. I've had it for 7 years, its lifted its my baby, but not babied lol. It's my identity and if someone said I had to sell that would be a hard pill to swallow. And if for the right reason I would but would need to be 100% sure. Maybe not the same but a different perspective.
Anyone willing to take in anyones kids is special. Maybe they have a hard time going that extra marathon to prove that there willing to sacrafice everything.
Too maybe she was having a bad week/month/day and hadn't fully thought things through. Maybe too she's embarrassed to have said that, and is stubborn to go back, and doesn't know how to fix it.
I really feel for ya cause in a way kinda know how you feel. the not being loved as much as you feel your putting out. But I KNOW he cares about me as much as can at this time. And that's really all I want. I don't want to push him to care more then what he does cause you can't rush feelings. And too she hasn't had time to grow attatched to kids. My previous BF had 3 young boys and add my son into the mix, we had a hockey line. When we broke up my heart was broken I was so attatched to those boys. And them to me. That was the worst. But luckely I became friends with his ex and I get to still see them.
good luck would love to hear what happens. All the best

If you are happy with the way things are now...playing the "what if" game is useless. Who knows what the future will bring. She's showing you what she's willing to contribute to the relationship. If you can live with that, then do. If not, you have your answer.

What seems apparent is that you have a different set of values: you value family and she values her independence, the life she has created (before you) and you (and other stuff of course).

Your statement: "The only question is SHOULD i stay with a woman who is unwilling to make those kinds of sacrifices for her family?" concerns me. You infer that YOUR family is HER family. She didn't create your four kids and the combo of them with you. If she were not in the picture, YOUR family would still be a family. Expecting her to have loyalty and allegiance to the insta-family is unreasonable, IMHO. Perhaps over time she will grow to become a part of the family and feel a sense of loyalty and willingness to sacrifice for the good of the family (or not) but expecting that out of the gate is unreasonable, IMHO.

My SO has made similar statements to me and we've had arguments over it. He expects that because he opened up his family to me that I should instantly feel deep loyalty and be willing to sacrifice for the good of the family. Of course, relationships require compromises and sacrifices but to expect that the person who didn't create the family be ready and willing to make equal sacrifices doesn't work for me. I've told my SO, "Look, I fell in love with you and partially because of the man you are and the commitment to your children which I greatly respect...but I didn't fall in love with them and I'm not here because of them. I'm here for you."

I was the one who moved to be with my SO and gave up my life across the country so I made a huge sacrifice (as you well know). I don't have any biokids. I deeply love my SO but I completely underestimated the daily sacrifices required to live in a house with three kids. My SO doesn't see any of it as sacrifices. His life has always revolved around his kids and that's normal to him. It's not to me. At all. Between school activities, sports, shopping, dinner prep, cleaning, etc. we have no life. He doesn't see that as an issue because he hasn't had a life in 16 years. I have and I miss it. If I knew then what I know now, I would not have moved. But, I love my SO and I can't afford to lose my butt on selling a house I just bought. I moved here to have a life with a man that I love. What I got was a life with a man I love while being constantly accompanied by three minor chaperones. He now accepts that I would not make equal sacrifices for his children. And, in a strange way, his acceptance has made me more willing to sacrifice for the family.

He is confident in his ability to raise his children (he was a single father for 9 years) and decided that he can live with me as his back-up, confidant, lover and best friend vs co-parent. He had a fantasy of 'slotting in' a new mom & wife and was hurt when I didn't enthusiastically embrace that role (and all that comes with it). He loves me despite my being 'domestically challenged' as we joke about it.

We are working on ways to bridge the gap between our perspectives and values but it's a negotiation. A type of negotiation that is probably only required when one person has kids and the other doesn't. The planets of With Kids and Without Kids are just that: separate planets. Moving between planets takes a significant amout of acclimation.

I doubt that my rambling was helpful but I do wish you luck and will send good juju your way.

P.S. Gotta run so I can pick up one SS from practice and run to the other SS's football game.

Hi,

I am really sorry that you are going through this, and thou i know i'm 10 days late, i feel i might have some good input to give you, because i have been there, not where you are, but where your gf is and, you might be feeling that you sacrifice more because you moved states, jobs, etc..

The truth is, your kids (family) are your life, and your sacrifice of moving doesnt really compare with her giving up her whole life to bond with an already made family.

I want you to understand that i'm not sided with her, but i do know many of the feelings she might be going through; however, people here have told you so many things and you seem to stay stuck on your idea, but i will tell you what caught my attention.

Before you moved in together, you never know how life with kids that are not yours can be, 24/7, no matter how adorable they are. She may love them, but still she loves herself and her own life dont we all? and to step in an already made family of 4 kids is way bigger sacrifice than moving to all states.

Maybe she realized how hard it was after experiencing it. You say she cried 1,000 tears when you were going to break up...OF COURSE, she is human, she loves you and probably loves your kids too but thats a VERY rough spot to be in!

You also say she has so much room for herself that your kids even wonder why they dont see her...doesnt that ring a bell to you?
Want to know something? honestly? i did the exact same thing when i couldnt handle the situation: maybe she cares but its very hard for her?

a woman with no kids is less prepared to the shock of living with kids, constant noise, fighting, loud, playing, chaos, interrruptions, little time for grown ups or being alone with your partner; now thats a LOT of mixed feelings i must say

Maybe she sounded selfish when she made it sound as she would rather you lose custody, i dont think she meant it, maybe was a little selfish hope that she will have you, but, i am sure she didnt really want to see you destroyed.

Just realise that the sacrifice you are asking her to do is not that of a new job, a new house or town, you are asking her to forget about her life to go and live yours with 4 kids...its INMENSE!

I am sorry it hurts your feelings and i will tell you why i say all this!

I was in a long distance relationship with someone i still love dearly; my soulmate if not for many obstacles. I knew this person had 2 small kids, full custody. In our alone times we bonded, fell in love, i promissed to move (to a different country) since nothing really ties me here. I used to think, what can be so hard with 2 small kids?

the day came when this person came to visit with the kids (3 and 5 y/o), it was all soo difficult, stressful, so much sacrifice, my heart broke in pieces..i had a fight within..love or my life, love or my life, i gave it time, they came to visit again, and again, and guess what...i had to chose a broken heart, because it takes more than love to stand a hard situation day in and day out 24/7 and give up on all future possibilities and dreams, because kids come first and always will.

Now imagine, i was always gonna be 3rd in line, your gf will be 5th, thats sort of how it feels, its just too much to handle, and im sorry, you cant see that because you are the father and to you its not a sacrifice, but for her it is, way bigger than what you have done.

You tried to make it work, thats what you had to do, now it didnt work, sorry cut your losses, she doesnt move there because she KNOWS, it will be hell for her and i'm sorry, i dont blame her.

I loved very very much, more than i have ever loved, but to move to a place where you have no way out but that constant hazzle??? crazy!

See it this way, you can always move towns, get new jobs, cars, but you cant ever get your life back. When i was in her shoes i used to worry, ok i love this person soo much, but im leaving my life behind, if i go through this door, which is sooooo hard, i might miss on my life, and i will never be this person's life because this person already has a life (the kids)!

hope i helped

sorry for what you are experiencing!

peace