Should I have SS around DS?
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My DH was very young when he had SS. He was 17 and her family took up 98% of the expenses since his family didn't even support him (he had to buy his own food at the age of 15+ and had to work to support himself).
Now SS is almost 5.
BM just announced she is getting married. Her husband wants to adopt SS have DH see him on occasional visitation. DH is ok with this because he thinks it's the best thing for his son to grow up in a complete family unit.
My question is, since SS will be around so little, should I have him around my DS, 4 months?
I feel like it will be confusing to DS to have a brother in and out of his life, plus I feel like SS would want to see his dad alone since time is short.
Thoughts?
I can only speak from my
I can only speak from my experience, but my half brother was adopted by his mom's new husband and even though at the time (he was around 10 years old) it was what he wanted too, he begged my dad to let his stepdad adopt him, he has never gotten over it. He hates that his birth dad let his stepdad adopt him. Once my dad signed the papers, my half brothers mom controlled when my brother saw my dad yet from my brothers perspective his birth dad "didn't want him anymore". I'm not sure how things would be now if my dad had said no and not allowed my brother to be adopted but I really wish he hadn't. My other brother and I and my dad have no relationship anymore with this half brother due to his nasty bitterness. I should point out that my brothers stepdad is an amazing man, and was a great father to my brother but the hurt of what he perceives as abandonment by my dad runs very deep.
He was in counseling when he
He was in counseling when he was younger and no, if anything their relationship is worse than ever. Just a few months ago he (my half brother) cut us all out of his life, he no longer wants anything to do with us. It's especially sad because this brother now has my dad's only grand baby and my dad will never get to see her again, nor will me or my other brother.
It's a hard situation. Really
It's a hard situation. Really hard. We are a young married couple, and barely making ends meet. We really can't support two kids the way we should and we don't want both kids to miss out simply because we can't provide right now. My DH is working two jobs, and I just picked up one too. We barely have enough to pay the rent and utilities, let alone to eat. The ex wants to move across country, and since DH was 17 and stupid at the time, he let her talk him out of being put on the birth certificate even though it is his son. We would have to go to court and first file for paternity and then file for rights. We just don't have the money to do that. I guess I could pick up another job, but I don't want to never see my DS for my SS court. We have been paying the ex money to help with SS and he's been visiting EOW. But since they are moving out of state, and considering our financial status, we talked and decided it was the best thing.
so if your DH was 17, and SS
so if your DH was 17, and SS is nearly 5, your DH is still very young (22ish?).
not sure how i feel about this, and certainly your DH's age is factoring into my thoughts. Normally id think this is crazy. Since your SS will still reside the majority of the time with his mom and the stepdad, he really will be growing up in an "complete" family unit. But i also assume that if he signs away his rights and the child is adopted by another man, then he will no longer have CS obligations which will save you TONS over time. Given his young age and the fact that he already has another child to support this may be a good idea.
However, part of me thinks if he signs him over to someone else then he shoudnt confuse the child with visits.
As for your child knowing his half brother, they certainly should be aware the other exists, but again, if the older child is to "have a better life" with his "complete" family then again, visits could be confusing for the older child.
I feel like it will be
I feel like it will be confusing to DS to have a brother in and out of his life
I was out of the house, on my own, when both of my brothers were born. They were not confused, they just knew they had a sister who did not live with them. They were always excited to see me. They are young men now and we are pretty close.
I so wonder whether that
I so wonder whether that decision to adopt arose because BM wanted her son not to be related to yours, and that suited her husband also? Was a pronouncement being made that albeit they are "blood", YET they are not "a family" or "related"? I suspect this is a major motivator and will lead to confusion for child and strife for adults. I feel this is a very complicated situation you are in and you and your DH should get specialist counseling -- not as a couple but separately. Adoption deletes the bioparent as a parent and normally visitation to bioparents is completely terminated or reduced to minimal as a result, so as not to confuse the child. It is believed that regular direct visitation undermines the attachment bonds that need to be formed by the child and his primary (adoptive) carers. How possibly can that happen if dad has visitation, and how much worse still if visitation with a child blood relative is promoted. Children often get closer to siblings than to parents, the bond even with half siblings can be strong. How will BM and her husband feel about that? Plus you then hove into view to an extent in BM and her H's lives because you are the mother of the half-brother involved. If I were the BM's DH I would be incandescent about that. Yet more strife in the wings. These sorts of consideration (about the messiness of step life) normally put off step-parents to apply for adoption, yet the BM's husband here is said to be the one that's keen.
I have to agree that I think
I have to agree that I think Dad giving his son up for adoption is a terrible idea. Seriously, try to talk him out of it.
In the event he does give up his son though, and IF he still (somehow??) has visitation, then I would certainly try to foster a relationship between SS and his half brother. That relationship is blood, and it's for life. Your son having his brother is in HIS best interests. I think you'd fight for that if nothing else.
I call bullshit on the
I call bullshit on the visitations after adoption. He will never see that child again . I bet money on it.
Trouble is this adoption plan
Trouble is this adoption plan is just a wish at the moment. Though MamaFox is likely right and will win her bet, the horror for Graymm is that in the period before that happens, there are at least months and possibly years of conflict and suffering to be had. This is going to be an awful roller coaster OP, you better get friends and family around you ready for it and prep them to support you, and I would certainly say DO NOT promote a relationship between the skid and your child because if MamaFox is right, he will get heartache too. Keep him as hermetically sealed from this time bomb as you can.
I have to go with the no
I have to go with the no crowd on this one. If DH wants to end all contact with his son then sure, he can give his son up for adoption by the Step Dad. As other's have said even if the kid is all for it now time changes perspective and memory in kids.
Step Dad and BM can say whatever they feel like but once your DH gives up his parental rights he is pretty much at BM's and Step Dad's mercy. There may be some iron clad legal adoption agreement that will allow your DH to have regular visitation but the fact will remain that SS will no longer be your DH's son from a legal and practical perspective.
Just my thoughts and layman's opinion of course.
Which is why, going back to
Which is why, going back to the original question posed by OP, the answer has to be NO.