Slowly learning to disengage

Forums:

So my SS4 has been pissing himself daily after being fully potty trained for a year. Come to find out his mother has been putting diapers on him (that he CHANGES HIMSELF at her house, we split the twins 50/50) and telling him her letting him wear diapers is love and we don't love him. So he decides to start pissing himself here at our house because he wants diapers back.

I'm fed UP. He's pissed on every single blanket in the house to the point that last night I had to turn up the heat and make sure he had 2 layers of snuggly jammies on because all the blankets are covered in piss. (We launder once a week at grandma's house and we ran out of blankies)

I told my husband I have no idea why he never talks to their mother about any of these issues. It makes no sense. I get that he doesn't want to hear her shit but he decided to knock up the dregs of society so now DEAL WITH IT.

I told him that SS4 pissed the bed again this morning. (Mind you he NEVER pees at all during day and was 100% trained for a year until a few weeks ago he started this shit) I told him I cannot care more for the children then the parents do and until he deals with this and speaks to the mother to remedy the issue he has full responsibility. I told him to go change his son out of his piss clothes before work because if he leaves he will sit in piss clothes all day. I won't actually do that but next time this happens I will not be here to change him because I will leave the house and he will have to take the twins to their moms. I'm so done. I really hate that I have to go to such extremes for the problems to be dealt with. I hate that he won't communicate with BM and she thinks shit is a-ok.

Aaaannnnd he just left the house without cleaning him up. Wow. Sounds like I'll have to leave the house early next week because I fucking mean business.

I just told him next Tuesday

I just told him next Tuesday I will not be here and he needs to find a sitter for the twins and how dare he walk out of the house and neglect his son. I cannot care more then the parents!

Yep, you can't care more than

Yep, you can't care more than his parents. So put the kid back in pull-ups and he can change those himself. At least you won't have pee all over your house. Though I'd have a hard time staying with a man who dumped parenting onto me.

He just text me this

"I do expect you to help me as MY WIFE and their step-mother. You say their mother in other settings but when it comes to certain things it's now "i am not their step mom" and essentially I am on my own. If that's how it's going to be I'll pray on it and we will have a very serious conversation after I drop the twins off with the neglectful piece of shit they call their mother."

I told him its totally ok for mom so why not for me? Why do I have to go to extremes to make him see? Why?

You are his wife and not his

You are his wife and not his unpaid babysitter. YOU, OTOH, expect him to actually parent.

"the neglectful piece of shit they call their mother"

Oh the irony... Give the guy a mirror.

He should be grateful you

He should be grateful you help him at all with HIS kids. Unless he's going to be paying you, he should expect that he is the primary person in charge of their care while they are with you. When someone else (other than me or DH) is caring for our daughter, I give detailed instructions and make sure everything is in place before I leave. I also make sure she is clean and has been fed recently. He needs to do the same for his kid.

So, maybe you should say to him, "As THEIR FATHER, I expect you to be the one who is in charge of things concerning them. I can help in limited instances, but I will not be the primary caretaker. As YOUR WIFE, I expect you to be supportive of me and not expect me to just take care of everything for you, because I am NOT YOUR MOTHER."

I'll be repeating that

I'll be repeating that VERBATIM thank you.

My DH would regret the day he

My DH would regret the day he ever told me he "expected" anything from me, other than what I've already agreed to do.

put down plastic on all your

put down plastic on all your furniture, plastic under his sheets, on his kitchen chair and tell him that until he stops peeing on things he is not allowed to sit/sleep on anything that is not plastic covered. give him one blanket. and if Dad can't be bothered to change the kid, leave him in it until Dad does.

make it clear that this is purposeful behavior and you will not be the only one dealing with it.

I told SS4 he cannot sit on

I told SS4 he cannot sit on the couch and he can play and sit on the floor. He knows where pee goes. He was 100% potty trained for a year lol. I told my DH that he's focused on the wrong person and if he has behaviour complaints then he must go to mom. I'm step mom (now just wife of dad) and my job is to support the parenting plan of mom and dad not parent all by myself all the time. Thanks for ur comment. Thank you all who commented I was so pissed.

I'd be ...pissed too. pissed

I'd be ...pissed too. pissed off not pissed on like your furniture, blankets and beds. This is a parenting failure and you're not one of his two parents.

But the grandma side of me has to ask: has the child's dr been notified of this new behavior? could it be a physical issue of some type (prob. not if he can go as needed when he chooses to)

Doctor? What a fucking joke.

Doctor? What a fucking joke. No. No doctor has been notified and no doctor will likely be notified. The twins teeth are rotting out of their faces and I'm the only one who brushes them but we only have them 50/50 and I can't do it all the time. My husband will brush them if they ask him but he's working a lot. The teeth NEVER get cared for like that over at moms. No bathing either. One time we didn't see them for 2 weeks and when we saw them after they had yeast infections in their privates and every arm and leg and belly crack from not washing. Even if they need to go to the doctor she'll text my husband and tell him to take them. I HATE HER and I cannot believe that level of care is ok with my husband. I told him that I'll treat them like mom does since it's totally cool with him. I'm not the problem here. He needs to address mom.

She is likely still shooting dope and is on the methadone program so CPS is already "working" with her so there's nothing more I can do and I'm out of caring. When I entered this relationship I felt for these poor 21month old twins and their lack of care from mom so I stepped up and now I realize I fucked up horribly by doing so. I just couldn't have neglected children in my household. Now I'm just worried about them destroying the house because I've realized she's teaching them to hate me anyways and they'll grow up despising me so I'm done caring. I can only support the parenting plan mom and dad make not parent on my own.

I told my husband I don't even want to sleep with him anymore because he's grown so careless! IRRESPONSIBLE. I should have listened to y'all. This situation only gets worse not better.

You Care

Thats the only thing that you have done thats wrong, and they are growing up to hate you and love that sad excuse for a mother that they have. As a bio-less SM, I hate reading this ch!t. It angers and saddens me. I too have tried stepping in - when kiddo had no clothes I bought them, when she was sad because her mother or sister, I dried those tears, shes hungry I fed her because the mother didnt think to feed her. So may countless things we SM's do because we do not want to see a child suffer.

Your HUSBAND needs to parent these kids. Teeth rotting - that is so sick. Kid pissing himself and he just leaves. Parents do not allow this.

Honestly this is angering me too much today.

The teeth issue angers me so

The teeth issue angers me so much. BioMom has no teeth herself so you'd think she wouldn't want that look and pain for her own children but nope she's fucking oblivious.

Honey, BOTH of these bio

Honey, BOTH of these bio parents are trash. The dad was juuust smart enough to find another woman to dump his kids on. You need to save yourself! Get away from the trash so you can build a quality life.

Please call CPS and give them the FULL picture - the neglect, the teeth, the regression in potty training, the father's unwillingness to take care of his kids.. Tell them that you're leaving the dad, and know without you the twins will be even worse off.

You tried, you really did but this is all above your pay grade.

"Wife" does not equal

"Wife" does not equal "servant." I think your DH has a pretty backwards view of what marriage is.

HE is the parent. What does he do to actually parent his child? Leaving it all to you is damaging both you AND the child, and the poor kid has two terrible parents. That's not a void a stepparent can fill, even if you wanted to.

I have had to go to extremes to get some sh!tty behavior changed in my DH. Nothing remotely similar to what you are experiencing, but the extreme tactic worked. Once he had to face what I faced, well suddenly things were different.

That's what I've found. I

That's what I've found. I have to go to extremes and once he's put out then all of a sudden he gets it.

So, you went ahead and

So, you went ahead and married him, huh?

Lol obviously. I'll let you

Lol obviously. I'll let you know in 5 years how I feel lol.

Get To the Store

Buy the pull ups. Not worth the stress and all that dang washing. There are hills to die on. This would not be one for me.

He was 100% potty trained for

He was 100% potty trained for over a year. Why should we have to put out cash because BM is a lazy piece of trash?

Thats how it will always go

Ive tried and tried but you MUST let the parents parent and you married a dude that chose to fall into the BM's vagina. OOPS.

So - you will find yourself asking this question many many times - "why should we have to..." because. Thats why.

That sucks this kid has two lazy a$$ parents. That sucks that you have to suffer and take it all on...good luck.

You'll be putting out for new

You'll be putting out for new bedding and furniture if you don't, because she won't reimburse you. I have one stepson who still wets the bed (at almost 16). Supposedly, he has pills he can take at BMs that keep him from wetting the bed, but he would never bring those to our house...BM didn't even tell DH about them, the kid did. And DH has raised the issue with her several times. She says she's spoken to the doctor about it, but she doesn't want to "make him feel bad". At least now, he can put his own sheets in the wash, but I have to remind DH to be sure that the mattress protector is put back on his bed after he washes the sheets. That and I did not pay much for his mattress. It's essentially a guest room quality mattress, but he sleeps on it less than 50 nights a year, so I think that's good enough.

I Get It

And I understand. We had a useless BM here, too. But is it worth it? I'm way past PullUp days and don't know the cost of those things. But I know what it's like to wash and wash and wash crap. There is costs there (water, electricity, cleaning supplies), plus your time. With my 14+ years in STepHell, I've learned to stop and look at things closer rather than with my emotions (I'm an emotional person). I think I'd be pissed but would just buy the damn pullups for my own peace and energy saving.