SM does as Sm does. UPDATE ON SS8 calling me a C**T
I talked with FH about his BS* calling me a C88t and told him what I did, he said:
(FH-okay, but I dont think you had to go as far as acctually picking him up and putting him in the car. You could have spanked him"
(ME)-I'm NOT spanking your child after he already told your family that I hit him
(FH) oh when are you going to get over that already it was a year ago"
(ME) uhm it's not an easy thing to go through when your trying to get pregnant and your mother and ex wife keept threatening to call the cops
(FH) whatever Ive already talked to (ex wife) and she thinks we all need to sit down and discuss how to discipline BS8
(ME) sure go ahead she obviously needs it more then me
(FH) so....*long pause* your not going to go over?
(Me) yeah that about sums it up im all set, and in the future he is NOT to be droped off when your NOT home, she isnt to be calling when your NOT home, and if your NOT going to be home when it's your time to have BS8 then you and her need to find something else for him, because im done being a built-in-babysitter. Thirdly if you EVER option up my car to her again, we are done. I'm not responsible for your child and untill he learns some manners and respect he is to be with you at ALL TIMES.
(FH) well thats extreme dont you think.
(ME)Nope thats very very resonable in my case, AND I no longer want her comming over to the house, she can meet you somewhere.
(FH) you cant prevent her from comming to the house it's my house too
(Me) yeah but my name is on the deed as well so technically it's my house as well anduntill her name is put on the deed also YOU will be metting her somewhere, if she shows up here I WILL call the police without hesitation, and I WEILL pack my shit and leave.
(FH) we will talk more when I get home tonight.
I think i'm making some lee-way here. but I'm still not sure if what I said was to over the top....
what i would have done and
what i would have done and said in the same sitch.
oh wait, i was until an 8yo spit on me....i do not watch skids unless i offer to do it and for only short periods of time.
Don't Leave Your House!
Do not pack up your stuff and leave! You said your name is on the deed, correct? Was it ever him and the ex-wife's house together before you or, is this a house you two purchased together? Regardless, if you are purchasing/purchased that house together it is half yours. Also, he told his ex-wife she could use your car? What in the H***! I would have totally lost it there. Even my DH knows better than to try a manuver like that. In my case I actually purchased my home from my DH before we got married, but eventually refinanced and now it is both of our names. Even though I sometimes feel I can't take being around his disrespectful/entitlement adult children from his first marriage anymore I know that I cannot leave my house. I don't want anyone around there even thinking they are going to get my home from me. Don't give them a chance. Anyhow, your FH needs to deal with his 8 year old son who should have never been using language like that in the first place. You did the right thing by putting that child in a time out. My experience with the SKids when they were little and even now is that the evil Step-B**** puts this crap in there heads. She is truly evil. I wish you the best of luck here. What is that man when it comes to ex-wife, a doormat? He needs to set some rules with her whatever they may be and are probably already listed for him on his divorce decree which he should follow and give no more and no less. I don't think there is anything on that document that states "Ex-wife shall be allowed to borrow GF car when Ex-wife's car in broken". I hope your FH's ex-wife is not as evil as the one I have had to deal with, but it sounds like your FH...I still am amazed-he let her use your car. Next, she'll be living in your house. I think dorothyparkerwannabe is right. It is time for the two of you, your FH and you, to sit down and have a good talk. Maybe the ex-wife is manipulating your FH and he either doesn't realize it, or doesn't know how to handle it. Something is going on here and you both need to really talk about it and deal with whatever it is. Also, unless there is a mediator (a real one with a degree and certified as a mediator) do not get together with your FH and his ex-wife together. There is a good chance you will have a bad experience and either the ex-wife will have a real fun time at your expense and or your FH will have a fun time having the two of you in an argument. I wouldn't get together with my DH's ex-wife. Ever. It has been bad enough over the phone in the past and I know now that the SKids are grown there will be weddings and stuff like that where we will all have to be in the same room together and that will be hard enough because the ex-wife won't be able to not create a scene. I dread the though of it.
Don't leave your house!
The house is in both of our names, we both have "stakes" in it. I guess you would call it, so im sure I do have the power to say I dont want her on my property. Also My FH and I are going to sit down tonight after dinner and talk about/set up rules between the two of us for our home, as well as for him to discipline his BS8 better, I have been on and on FH case about his BS attitude but he never saw the attitude untill now and even then he admitted it was a problem and has gotten out of hand, I also read the part about the divorce decree thing so I wen tin search of my FH divorce papaers (SOMETHING I HAVE NEVER SEEN OR HUNTED FOR BEFORE) and found them, it turns out FH has been paying extra CS EVERY WEEK by about 50$ I dont know why so this is something i should talk with him about also, unless maybe I shouldnt have gone through his files and read his divorce decree???
I think what you said was fine
Taking into account all that has been happening, with BM expecting YOU to babysit but not your mom or anyone else, to me has just been a power trip she is putting on you. The same with the car and dumping him off today. Not reasonable. So, putting it back on her and DH is perfect. You don't need to be in the middle!
I think it is great that you and FH are sitting down to talk. You need to come to an understanding that respects you. As far as SS, his parents need to figure out the discipline. You can have input to the rules with Dh and enforce them but you don't need to be drawn into another BM suggestion that you all "discuss" the discipline. Who is going to discipline BM? She's the one who needs it right now.
Working it Out
Yes, you do have the power to say you don't want her on your property. I have that same rule at my house and I stick to it. The SKids have known this is the rule and so far have obeyed it for years, although their BM has come as close to the property as she can without getting in trouble. My DH doesn't want her on the property either, so that is good. For a while him and her lived across the street from each other and that was tense with him owning the property surrounding her property on three sides. She has since sold her property in that close proximity. Thank God for that! I think we are all a lot happier now.
You found the divorce decree. I don't know how you are going to explain that, but I wouldn't worry about how you found it too much, and I think you could have probably gotten your hands on it anyhow through the court system. Besides he should have shared it with you anyway and that way you would know what him & his ex-wife's terms of the agreement were and that would get rid of some of the mysteries you have been dealing with. I actually have a copy of my DH's decree between him and his ex-wife in my file cabinet. It helps to know what is expected out of your future spouse in regard to child support, custody, etc. You will need to know all of this if you are planning on having a future with your FH. He shouldn't be paying her anything extra in child support. He would be better off taking the extra $50 a month and either putting it in a savings account or college plan for his BS, or placing it in a whole life insurance policy for his son. You need to ask him what the extra $50 is going for. It is nice that he does this, but what is it for and is it really needed? With these other options I mentioned the money should be completely set aside for the child's future. Right now the extra $50 could either being going for braces or something like that for his BS or a manicure for his ex-wife. Who knows? Also, by paying extra he is proving he can afford to pay more child support. Eventually, the ex-wife will catch onto this as well and document the fact. Then she will be able to get more child support out of him by going to court and proving he can afford it. I'm not a lawyer, but past practice holds up. I don't think I would be all too fired up about having children with this man just yet. I think he has some issues that you and him will have to work through first.
Whuhoa-!
Boy I would hate to be your DH right now ;). Don't worry dear, I don't think any of your actions are out of line - in face, it sounds way overdue. Stay strong-!!
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Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.
William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2So what happened when your
So what happened when your DH got home? I hope he didn't try to excuse his sons behavior. Stay strong.
When FH got home
When FH got home we sat down and talked for about three hours I told him exactly how I felt and made him agree to my terms which were
1. She dosnt show up at our house or my place of work with her son
2. ONLY he is to be doing the picking up and dropping off.
3. I WILL NOT be watching his BS until his son has learned some manners and respect.
4. If she drops her BS off without warning I am going to call the police and report her
5. She no longer calls my cell unless its an emergency and SS8 is in the hospital.
6. He needs to call her and tell her all of this.
So he did and she screamed and scrsmaed saying that I had to right to ban her from droping him off at the house, what about winter when its snowing and cold out. blah blah blah saying that I was being immature and I needed to grow up and start taking responsibility for SS8, because after all in her words "shes marrying you and BS not just you" I stode my ground and wouldnt let FH hand me the phone to talk to her, (He tried I just handed it back to him and walked off) BM was saying how her BS had no attitude issues or behavior issues and it amazes her how I could act like a 8yrd old myself, then continues on to talk about how immature it was that I just packed him up and brought him to her, instead of handleing it like an adult.
so anyways FH is supporting me and accepts the fact that this is how its going to be for a while, and if he dosnt like it, then tell me and I will take him to court and sell our house.
Ha ha
Who is the immature one? Good job, mojograce.
Perfectly done and don't leave the house.
You are perfectly within your rights and every point you made was valid.
Stop trying to get pregnant as this sounds like a losing situation. If I didn't say it in my previous response things like this usually get worse not better after marriage.
Better to have it settled now.
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There's an exception to everything I say.
Good!
You did a good job here. You stood your ground with him and with his ex-wife. Stay consistent and things will go more smoothly for you. I agree with Orange County Ca, this is a time to wait on marriage and children with this man until after you have a better idea of how things are going to go.