I'm trying to consider what is possible. After 19 yo SS's core group of friends left for college, SS didn't go out much. He decided rather strangely that he was just going to study and that precluded a social life. Why not both? Not sure. But at least he brooded in his room. For a few months, he started to go out with newly made friends here and there, which I was grateful for, so that I could have some time alone and with dh during the weekend. But for several weeks now, SS has had zero social plans and has been staying in, But instead of brooding in his room, he just hangs out all day in the living room on his phone. He's mostly trying to interact with his dad, or waiting to pounce on him. But in the meantime, that means that I am spending inordinate amounts of time with him with mostly no interaction. My analysis is that SS used to derive supply from his friends. But without them, now dh is his exclusive "person".

I'm aggravated. Mostly, it's a reaction to just having any other grown up just planting themselves in your living space all day long. You can't fully relax. But then there is also the history of weirdness between us, none of which were resolved. He used to shun me and avoid me as much as possible. That used to upset me, but now that feels like a dream come true versus this.

I have two things that I think would make things better for me, and wanted some feedback. 1. I leave for most of the weekend. I already go to church on Sundays (dh used to go with but has been using that time to bond with SS - even more?!!). But I'm thinking I should find an excuse to get out of the house for most of Saturday too. The problem is that I feel like I'm being forced out of my own home, and I also worry that it will strain the marriage. Dh has been working a lot of hours lately, and we don't see each other much at all during the week. Yet another concern is that in the past, SS used alone time with dad to whisper in his ear suggestions that would be very unfavorable to me. For example, he manipulates a situation to make it seem like I'm the bad guy. Rather than me having a problem with SS inviting friends over without asking, SS twists it and then all of a sudden, dh is yelling at me for having a problem with SS and his friends quietly playing a video game. SS also somehow convinces dh to make plans with him that inconvenience me, but dh doesn't realize that until after he agrees.

The second solution is to invite 21 yo BS over more. I think he would be up for coming here more for dinner. I sometimes invite BS over for dinner on the weekend, but sometimes he's busy, and other times, I want to give dh a break so that he can relax. Surprising myself, I have accepted that I have no choice in SS coming over 3 weekends a month, but I haven't pressed dh to spend more time with BS. When I brought this up this weekend, dh seemed to not want that. I couldn't believe that dh is unwilling to reciprocate. That is an eye opener. But I think it would help me a lot to accept SS presence if I could at least have my own child spend time here, so long as he's willing.

But the things I can't change: 1. SS "visitation" schedule, which is three weekends a month (four when there five weekends). 2. I can't force SS to stay in his room, get a job, go out with his friends.