My personal opinion is that children are better off in a single parent happy home than in an unhappy home with two parents. But discussing this with your daughter before you and your husband have made a decision together on your future was wrong. You have left her in limbo and worried about the future now. Had you said you and dh had decided to separate, she would have to come to terms with it sure. But at least she'd know where things stood. You need to sort this out with your husband and if you truly are unhappy then you need to leave. It at least gives him a chance to build a life with someone who accepts him as he is, and can live with that. If you need more, then you need to give yourself that chance too. But discussing your feelings at his stage with your daughter was wrong and unfortunately something you can never take back.

Absolutely 100%
Children need to learn what a healthy relationship looks like. Close up. If your unhappy and you've really really tried, I truly believe you do your children a disservice by staying.

I understand the OP. My dh is often a d*ck. My BD12 LOVES him and loves her life! I'm with Pushedto insanity...I have a plan to leave in the future unless things change bigtime, but the only way I would bail tomorrow is if my dh became physically abusive, cheated on me, or my Bd becomes unhappy here. I am a grown up and I can put on a game face when I need to.
Besides even with all the B.S. lifes not so bad.

when you have kids, you put your own "happiness" on hold and do what's best for the kids. if you do not have the 3 a's in your home (abuse, addiction, adultery) you are NOT doing what is best for the kids and are being selfish. when the children are raised, you will have time to pursue your own life. it's called "sacrifice" and it's what parents do. believe me, if you uproot your daughter so that you can "find" yourself, you will regret it. you can live your life while maintaining a home for your children right where you are. your dh isn't interested in you anymore? fine. accept that and find things you and your children can do without ripping them from their father. you just may find he's suddenly interested again when he sees that you are ok with his dis-interest. quit bugging him. do not give him more than he gives you. disengage from him. concentrate on you and the kids. you will find if you leave your dh to pursue your own happiness that the kids will not only lose their dad, they will lose their mother while she's out trying to be "happy". it's bull-crap that kids are happier in a broken home. just take a look at this site and read all the horror stories of what happens to kids when their mom/dad destroys their marriage for selfish reasons.

my opinion is not popular or politically correct, i do realize this. i'm divorced myself and it was an agonizing decision, even with the abuse i lived with (verbal and emotional). what finally motivated me to leave is i saw my children were being affected. not only was i better off leaving, my children were. but don't believe for one second things were flowers and rainbows after we left. they still suffered (to a less extent) by having their home swept out from under their feet and the stability they had taken away. and yes, they missed their father. but, they recovered and flourished, but still carry their scars. had their father not been abusive to me, i would have stayed, for them. to leave just because one has lost that loving feeling is selfish. i would have had the rest of my life to chase my own dreams. i didn't think for an instant that i would be able to do that when i CHOSE to have kids. they are small for a very short period of time. i stand by this "shit". the op asked for advice, i gave her mine. it is not wrong. and i do believe when a marriage fails, it's broken. the home/marriage/family is fractured and separates. kids are happier in a home without abuse, not in a home where their parent puts their own wants before a kid's need for an intact family.

I think the answer is so specific to each person. Not everyone who says they are unhappy is in some horrible tense loveless marriage. Not everyone is selfishly trying to "find themselves" when nothing is really wrong.

Only the OP can look at her situation and see what is in her and her kids best interest.

Is my marriage perfect? No. Would I have left already if I didnt have kids with dh? Probably. But it is definitely in my kids best interet for us to stay together and get through the rough times.

I'm not going to uproot my sons and turn their world upside down because I am not as happy with my life as maybe I could be.

As a child of divorce (three divorces with my mother), my usual answer is what others have said- it is better for your children to see a HEALTHY relationship than to stay in one that isn't good.

BUT- you already owned up to the mistake of telling your daughter. She is obviously upset. And you said that you do love him. I suggest counseling before you pull the plug. There are many places that will do a sliding scale fee (based on what you can afford). Look into this before you throw in the towel. But at the end of the day your kids will be better seeing how a real relationship should go. With affection, admiration, and love. Good luck.