I have an SD10 (and SS12), who also weren't exactly raised the way I would raise a child. Few rules, bad eating habits, and often times their hygiene slips- we have had issues with them not brushing their teeth (and no one making them), not flushing the toilet, not wiping, eating snacks and crap food whenever. They are good kids though, I feel lucky compared to what others have. I also never wanted my own kids, and am not a "kid person". That combo can be tough.

What worked for me is 2 things: First, talking to SO about the things I think we can improve on with them- hygiene, food habits, etc. This was a fight at first, as my SO is stubborn and takes everything as criticism. We made rules (these were all my idea, I just bullied SO into going along with them)- chore chart, brushing teeth every day, limiting snacks, etc. I also put up signs in the bathrooms saying "Wipe and flush the toilet!!!", until they actually were doing it all the time. But they did it, and the signs are down!

The bottom line is, I correct behavior that bothers me, or behavior I feel isn't good for skids. I make SD brush her hair, shower, and fix other hygiene issues that come up. Some things I have almost no control over (SO sets bedtimes and screen time and doesn't like to waver on those), so I choose my battles. But this has made all the difference for me. Once they are shown how to do things and their habits improve, it is much more tolerable to have them around, and I don't feel the anxiety and frustration as much with some of these issues out of the way.

Is your DH addressing the hygiene issues, poor tables manners, etc. with his daughter?? If YOU try to do this, it often leads to resentment and frustration.

As much as skid behavior bothers you, that behavior is a result of your DH's and BM's parenting - or lack thereof. You will see this phrase around the site... "you cannot care more than the parents". You would have raised SD differently, but... she is not YOUR child to raise. I do not mean to sound harsh, but it's the truth and you set yourself up for heartache by trying to care/do more for the skids because their parents are "lacking" in areas.

Let your DH parent and correct his daughter's behavior. You concentrate on raising your toddler with the preferred behavior. This is what I had to do with the skids. Frankly, BioHo is a sh!te mother and DH was (key word: WAS) a DIsney Dad. I was ready to tear my hair out. But when I realized I could not care more than the parents, I let go. If you can let go of your expectations for your stepchild and concentrate on the good things, it may be a little easier.

FORGET BM IS EVEN ALIVE! Once you take BM out of the picture you will be fine. Tell DH you dont even want to hear her name, you dont give a crap about her. 

Just think how much good you can do for SD, treat her as you would any other child. Enjoy the time with her. Once BM is out of your mind you will be happier. (Hey I had to start taking meds for myself a few years ago and life is so much better!)

Good for you that you're aware of these feelings, and want the best for your SD! 

That's a great start! 

After that, I would suggest little steps

Small gradual changes

Get to know what your SD's interests are, especially shared interests, and try spending time with her doing some activities that you know she likes, these would be good topics of discussion with her too

Somthing as little as saying "I made your favorite pancakes for breaktast sweetheart' just might go a whole long way, and send her the message that you care about her enough to want to do that

It took me many years to build a half decent relationship with my YSD (the older one is a write off) and it's the little things that make such a difference with her, even now

I call her sweetheart, honey, sweetie often and always try to find something nice to say. We do have shared interests so this makes phone calls with her great

Doesn't mean the uncomfortableness ever goes away completely, I still sometimes feel not totally at ease when she visits or we chat, but every small step in the right direction has an impact

Please keep us posted!

Don’t worry about what bio ho says, she is jealous and feels threatened... that is where those comments come from. I would just respond with “that was a very odd thing for her to say”.

Yoy said your toddler has better table manners?? Well then I would start praising your baby very enthusiastically in front of SD about it- this might illicit the same manners from your SD.

Just tune out the background “noise” and roll with it.  It is all a process.... just try to do things you will all enjoy together and then also maybe try to take little breaks yourself (like go out for coffee with a friend, take a solo trip to the store, etc).  Don’t guilt parent, and try to keep things as close to your everyday life as possible.