"SUPERVISED VISITS"-by drug addicted losers? Sad, but true....please help.
ok- i went to post my whole story here and figured it would be too long so Im going to try and generalize my sitch and say whats on my mind TODAY lol.
DH and I have been having "supervised visits" with BM and her bf for the past 2 years. BM refuses to let DH have parenting time without her around. We have tried everything to get her to agree to him having time, and bent over backwards in EVERY way possible but she will not agree with it. She gives really flimsy excuses as to why he cannot have time with SD (She is 2 years old) for ex. Last time he asked he asked for 1 hour. Bm claimed that she wasn't comfortable with SD riding in car with anyone driving but HER. So he suggests she drop SD off at our house for 1 hour, get lunch, and come back. She says she can't trust him not to take SD somewhere. So he suggests she take the car seat with her...she responds with "how do i know you wont just use your son's carseat"...you get the picture. She even goes so far as to claim they are a "package deal" (usually around holidays)....DH gets no holiday visits b/c of this (prevalant in my mind due to Thanksgiving nearing and Halloween past)...unless he invites her and her bf to his family get-togethers. Not cool with anyone, and his parents have even gone so far as to let him know BM is "not welcome in their home".....
So we have "supervised visits" at Bm's house one day a week for around 8-9 hours. He brings me and our son (we also have a one year old son together)...
Bm and DH were never married, together for 4 years, he broke it off with her...and started dating me. Then he found out she was pregnant, so thats the way it worked out. For some reason as soon as she found out about me she flipped and turned into a PSYCHO (let me count the ways...) i have never been nothing but nice, and understanding to her...well, at least i was.
Tell you a little bit about BM and her bf. They met and 2 weeks later moved in together. They are 30 yr. old and live in her parent's basement..(it's a whole seperate house with kitchen, etc. her parents are millionaires)...They do not pay any rent at all, or any bills (even cable or internet)..They do not clean their home, and it is always filthy when we go over there. (eight bags of garbage in kitchen, flies and other bugs, walls disgusting, clutter and garbage everywhere) little history here-that's one of the reasons DH broke up with BM-she refused to clean...to the point where when she was pregnant, he went over and cleaned her whole house for her b/c he did not want his daughter livng in "squalor"...(i accompanied him over there one time, and i had to actually brush a pile of garbage off of her couch just to have somewhere to sit down)...We recently found out that they are swingers- and actively engage in going to swinging clubs, and you know..all those "Swinging activities" that might entail. Then, we find out that her bf was arrested in July for cocaine posession. Also- her bf got in a car accident with SD in the carseat and the driver of the other car slammed right into SD. The list goes on and on...They don't even buy SD's diapers, her parents do. (I only know b/c there is no CS order, DH has offered to get signed up but she claims he will have to sign himself up for it if he wants to...so we try to buy as much for SD as possible, presents, clothes, food, etc. and she told us not to buy diapers b/c she doesnt know what kind to get since her mom buys them)
Dh changes all of SD's diapers when we go over there, b/c if left up to BM she will only change SD's diapers once in an 8 hour period and she often smells of urine b/c of it. Not to mention that they give her soda in her sippy cup, and she doesnt have her own room over there, which, with us, she would. (Her bed and toys etc. are in the living room)..all BM does is sit on the comp. all day playing games, while SD stares at a tv (She has her own tv in the same room as family one so she can watch disney movies all day long)...not exaggerating. That is quite literally ALL i have seen her do.
I'm not saying we're perfect, b/c we're not (i had 3 beers on Halloween lol)...BUT we don't frequently drink, we DONT use drugs, we're in a monogamous relationship...we support OURSELVES and our child....and we certainly dont give our son soda to drink as a toddler. It's not like DH ever abused BM in ANY way or SD either...she tried to "Get him back" for the first year of our relationship, so he was obviously a good boyfriend i guess.
Obviously, what is needed is a CO and we know that. We plan on going to court around January-February, but, we don't just have money to throw around since we do support ourselves/son/SD and we want to make sure we have a lawyer since her millionaire parents are obviously going to pay for hers.
I guess what I'm frustrated about mostly is that THESE are the people that are monitoring/evaluating OUR parenting skills on a weekly basis and deeming us not "good enough" to have alone time with SD without THEIR supervision.
CHILD SERVICES - definitely.
CHILD SERVICES - definitely. Filthy living conditions, drugs, not changing the kids diaper for 8 hours - that's awful.
Poor little girl. Peachy, I hope you can help her and SOON!
I agree as well
I agree as well
I agree, take pics and
I agree, take pics and document everything you see. Can't tell you how important it is.
Parent, It's a verb, not a noun.
You definitely need a court
You definitely need a court order. I would file before she does so you have the upper hand. There is no reason that she should be putting you guys on supervised visitation, thats ridiculous. Do document everything, I mean everything. Yes, you should get a lawyer and most lawyers take payment plans. It is alot of money but is well worth it. I wouldn't wait on this, I would do this right away. I do also agree that you may want to get child services involved.
My concern for getting child
My concern for getting child services involved is our actual ability to prove any of this. We do document all conversations and attempts to see his daughter through online conversations (he wont speak with her over the phone unless it is an emergency, she doesnt even know our phone #) ..We do have pictures of her house, etc. but not before he went over there and cleaned it for her...it's still pretty gross, but not nearly as bad as it was then..(we need to get pictures of the kitchen or bathroom which is the bad part-we were just discussing this the other day) and she is very good at APPEARING one way...I THINK her parents think that DH is a deadbeat, "sperm donor", etc...b/c that is what she tells everyone about him.She even tried to tell me that on her first Christmas with his family (i was there) that SD was scared shitless, and crawled into her lap and wouldnt leave...(never happened. SD was 8 mos old, and incapable of crawling...) I have pictures of that same x-mas and she is smiling and happy, and opening presents...etc. etc. She is seriously either delusional, or thinks that we are LoL... I very highly doubt she will EVER be on welfare (though im sure once we finally file for visitation she'll be quick to try and get CS), b/c her parents DO take care of her, she looks down on everyone who is "poor"....Her bf has a 10 yr. old son, and I have seen them say horrible things about his mom in front of him before, and their major complaints are that she is poor, and isn't good at planning things...BM actually has referred to her as a "Waste of space"....and asked me if i knew anyone i felt that way about. It was all I could do to not laugh in her face. As far as the swinging goes, the only verifiable proof I have of that is her online profiles she has on swinging websites...but we've never actually brought it up to them before....We were figuring on around tax season b/c we know that DH will be getting a sizable refund, and we were hoping to use that for the retainer. All DH has ever wanted is "Reasonable visitation" but after finding all of this out in the past year, sometimes I wonder whether he should try for full custody b/c even though she IS SD's mother and I DO respect that, I truly, truly believe that DH is a MONUMENTALLY better parent out of the 2.
Get a an order and get proof
Get a an order and get proof of how gross she is. Take photos, record everything...get proof that they are swingers-all of it. You will need it for an affidavit.
I just don't even know how
I just don't even know how to get proof of their swinging...short of hacking into their email addresses or something...Im 99.9% sure that if we brought it up with either of them they would vehemently deny it...BM has this way of either completely ignoring you when you ask her a question she doesnt have a "Good" answer to, or giving a response that doesnt really even apply...
I agree child services would
I agree child services would be the best way to start up a case against BM..or even start your own case subtly..bring a camera..when shes in the bathroom sneak a couple pictures..or ask if you can take a picture of your family..in a filthy area..keep record of everything..and with child services you can completely remain annoymous..but to make it serious enough say your a family friend or something. and of course document everything you can including the BMs boyfriends criminal record, you can get access to those online. even if you guys aren't "perfect" it sounds like you are providing way better care than BM. in your documentation list everything, i list it every day. the time you went over there how long you were over there and what you saw. when she called how long the conversation lasted and what she said, what you guys said etc.. submit it all to the courts. and you dont necessarily need an attorney, you can hire a private investigator to observe the traffic flow of the people coming in and out of the place, there are tons of things you can do that can prove that your a better family. the main thing that you need to prove is the health and safety of the baby. just be patient it will all work out eventually
Camera phones are great.
Camera phones are great. Ask for a glass of water and when she goes to get it then snap a pile of photos and take to child services. Document rumors to the effect that they are swingers. Anything that you think puts them in a bad light-like being 30 and a deadbeat that pays no bills and lives in parents basement. It's not illegal but paints a picture of a BM that is a lazy, useless woman.