How old are you? What does your fiancee say about having kids with you? What do you think he will be like towards your potential children together in comparison how he is with his kid?

Im afraid you know most of the answers yourself, when you answer these questions.

Im afraid that most of these guilty daddies adore their firstborns, and dont give a second thought to other kids they have once the king is around.

Im afraid that even at the adulthood, the king will return to claim his throne, and suck your bank account dry. And guilty daddy will approve.

My mother told me today, I either live with it, or I get out. There is no alternative. Those kids will always be their first borns, will always be loved and cherished more then any other kids, and you will always have nervous breakdowns the phone rings, or the king decides to live with daddy, ask his money, and support, until no end. It could happen.

On the other hand, if the cherished king decides to go live by himself, the guilty daddy will gain another guilty daddy syndrome. He will miss his king, and take his shit out on you, and ruin your time, and mood, even without the king in sight.

Im sorry for the negativity in my post. But i somehow lost my rose coloured glasses...

Please keep the faith. I am six years in and honestly still dread spending time with SS's for the same resons you do. I think that's a pretty common theme so while I still don't actually enjoy most of the time spent with them in my home, I have many members of my family for whom this dynamic vastly changed as the children aged and grew into adulthood. My husband himself found himself his stepfathers favorite child - as an adult. I think alot of it comes with maturity of the children and communication of the parents.

I also have a 1 yr bs with my husband and I was scared to death that my husband would not treat our children equally. I still have issues with enforcing rules equally among the children because they aren't in our home full time so of course he wants them to enjoy ever minute so that they will love him and keep coming back...but I find with time that he's growing more understanding that spoiling children doesn't equal love. Everyday we make just a little more progress with understanding that love is not fun and games but boundries, respect, etc. All the things that make good adults not spoiled children. It's not easy or fun but so far all the arguements, crying, hiding in my room, etc. have been well worth the family that I really think is growing maybe not into my dream family but c'live - It's my family. I also think that in the end his children will be better people because of my involvement. They seem to already know that the woman with the rules, lists, etc is the one to ask when they really need someone that they know they can rely on in the end. I'm not the fun "parent" but I am nothing if not consistent. It's not always the funnest person to be but maybe that's how you fit into his son's life too.

I'm still holding out hope that despite being ignored now and getting the cold sholder often when they visit that someday when they are adults and on a rare visit with their families for Christmas or something that they (& my husbnad) too will understand that while I wasn't their friend I did have their best interest at heart. Not because I spoiled them but because I was typically the only adult in their lives that laid down ground rules and stuck to them. If I made a promise, I kept it rather that promise was a trip to the zoo or a grounding for fighting. Kids need rules and stability and as long as you stick to your guns I think that it's very likely that you will find yourself realzing your dream of successful, if not distant adult stepchildren and a husband who is a loving and understanding partner in it all.

Yes, some of us make it. It was rough in the beginning with the focus always on the skids. But one thing about life, it is ever changing. As our kids grew out of the baby phase he became a very attentive father. His girls became teens with little interest in visiting beyond the occasional weekend or holiday. DH is a wonderful father to our kids and the skids but his attention and focus is on our family and home. In the beginning I would have never thought I and our children would have his full love and loyalty but we do. Those days when I felt so left out and ignored are just a memory now. It was well worth the struggle to make it to this point. I wish you luck.

I've made it, but it certainly isn't glamorous. I met SS when he was just 2 and I've been with DH for 17 years now. We have survived the PAS campaign by BM and her family as well as a nasty custody battle when SS was 13-14. We have been both NCP and CP. SS currently lives with his GF in her dad's basement. He doesn't have a job and never has time to call or visit DH unless he wants something.

But we no longer have to deal with crazy BM. That in itself is a huge relief. DH is a SAHD for our 2 sons, ages 3 and 5. For the most part, we are a happy family. Until SS calls with another dilemma. But DH is finally starting to let SS deal with his own problems now that he is an "adult".

My suggestion is to talk to your DH about having kids together and how you want to raise your kids. If you can't agree on things now, you definitely won't agree when a baby comes and you each have different ideas about parenting. I often thought of our visitations with SS as "part-time parenting" which gave DH and me the opportunity to discuss child-rearing, discipline, education, etc. It definitely helped prepare us for the challenges of raising kids together. Best of luck to you!

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My mother told me today, I either live with it, or I get out. There is no alternative. Those kids will always be their first borns, will always be loved and cherished more then any other kids, and you will always have nervous breakdowns the phone rings, or the king decides to live with daddy, ask his money, and support, until no end. It could happen.

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In your situation your mother may be right - I met my DH through Match.com and the one thing that really stood out in his profile was he wrote that while he loved his son he also wanted to meet a woman and have a relationship with her and he knew that his son would grow up and become an adult one day and that he wanted a life partner -

Because of him saying that I agreed to go out with him - so many of the a-holes I met on Match.com would say how important their kids were to them and then in getting to know them you could see they spent no time with their kids or spoiled them because they felt guilty. My DH has really lived up to that profile - when we first got married SS moved in with us full time (we live 700 miles from the bitch) for 3 year. Before we got married we agreed that we would correct him and back each other up and make time for ourselves without SS - going on dates taking mini vacays when he was visiting his mother - we also stood together in the discipline department. If my DH ever expected me to disappear when his son comes to visit now he would be shown the door with his suitcase - SS went back to live full time with his mother a few years ago so life is much better now - of course BM is still annoying the hell out of me but I know in my DH's life I am number one and he knows he is number one - we have a child together and we make sure that we still have our date night once a week and also make sure to show both of the children that we love each other and will back each other up - of course this was all discussed before the wedding and we knew what the other was expecting of the other person and it has for the most part worked out well - we have had some rough patches but SS graduates high school this year and as of June 2012 - DH will no longer be speaking to BM at all - he rarely does now - he feels SS is old enough to pass any info along to his mother. You both have to be number one in each other's lives or the resentment builds up and the relationship will not work.

I hate to say it but I would think long and hard before you marry this man - are you going to be able to handle this type of behavior for the next 40 or 50 years and if the answer is no then get out while you can.

Hi Forever2,

I am new to this site. I can't speak as to the other postings here, but I hope that you read this post.

I am not as far in my situation as you are in yours, but I (foolishly maybe) still have hope. I somehow refuse to let BM win. Some may say it's not about winning and losing, but it does feel that way at times, doesn't it? I think if you really love AND respect each other, that it can work. Love is not enough, but there should be a lot more than love in any relationship anyway. EVERY relationship is going to take work, you just have to weigh the pros and cons.

I grew up in a step-family. My parents made it, even with me as a teenager screaming at my step-dad every day and planning his death in my diary. LOL I can laugh at it now and I don't wish him dead anymore. Was it the best environment for me? Maybe not. But my mom had 2 kids at a young age and my step-dad was there. He wasn't as there for me as I would have liked, but guess what, I got through it and so did he. I feel like no matter what excuses my BF wants to make for his kids, who are not difficult to deal with at all (lucky me, I know), the bottom line is that they will live through it and so will you.

Now if you decide it's not worth it, as I have contemplated and it seems many others have as well, I have no doubt that you will find someone who will make you happy, as there are many fish in the sea. But obviously the people on this site felt at some point that it was worth it because they are still in their situation.

I refuse to be a doormat, and my BF knows that. We both respect each other and work things out together. Yes, sometimes it SUCKS beyond words. But I think it's worth it, and he can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I sometimes think it's an oncoming train, but if it is I'm bringing him with me!

All kidding aside, I know you want to know if it's worth it, and I think that one thing that will make the tough times harder and make it worth it is to have people who will be supportive. It is kinda sad when people are so negative. I'm sure they would call me naive, but I call it being positive. I plan on logging in often and staying inspired, not being brought down. It's hard enough in my own mind, I don't need others adding to the negativity there.

Hi Forever! Like others, I can't tell you that it gets better since I've been married just 6 months now.
I feel that your fiance should put you first since you are to be his life partner. If I had felt the way you do before marriage, we would not be married. I always told myself that I wouldn't date guys with kids. Sometimes I wish I had stuck to that. I fear life with SK will get much more complicated.

For your sake, please do not settle. There is more for you out there!