They just don't get it.
I apologize in advance for the book:
I've posted in this forum one other time about a similar situation, but I did not get the friendly welcome I expected. I was looking for some shoulders to cry on about the fact that my three year old SD wasn't bonding with me the way I wanted. I know that most of you are highly against equal shared parenting, but that's pretty much what we try to do. To make a long story short, you guys made me realize that SD's attachment to BM will never change. Even though I've helped raise her since she was a year old (she's 4 now), to expect her to ever love or appreciate me nearly as much as she does BM is just setting myself up for heartbreak. Since my last post, I have tried to distance myself. It has been a horrifying experience. For starters, when I told DH that I want to distance myself from her a little, it broke his heart. I explained to him that it's not fair that when I pick her up from school, she cries because she wants her other mom. It's terribly hurtful and embarrassing to me. Nothing I ever do for her is ever good enough because I'm not BM. DH actually cried when I said these things to him and he stated "I thought we were in this together". When we first got together, I was welcomed by both DH, BM, and stepdad as another mom and I did in fact agree that I will love her like my own. Little did I know I'd be more like a built in babysitter.
I just received a phone call from BM giving me her work schedule next week and wanting to know mine so that she'll know when I'll be available to care for "our kid" (as she calls her) while all her other parents are at work. She also wants me to go with her and "our kid" to her dance class next week so I can see her dance. I'd enjoy taking her by myself or with DH, but whenever BM is around, SD wants nothing to do with anyone else.
I know that you are all going to want to tell me to straight up tell both BM and DH that I'm not a built in babysitter. It's not that easy. I've been doing this for years and the one time I tried to stop, it broke my poor husband's heart and he's NOT one to cry very often. He's not using me - getting another babysitter would be easy. I know that he was truly hurt because he really doesn't understand how me emotionally distancing myself from SD could help me feel better. He has said to me that if I had a kid with someone else, he would feel no different about that child than he does his own. He JUST doesn't get it. And neither does BM. I know most of you are probably thinking that she's only nice to me so that I'd babysit, and that could be the case... I don't know, if that were the case I don't think she'd invite me to parent teacher confr and everything else. What I do know for sure is that things could be worse and I'm thankful to have a nice "baby mama".
I want to tell BM that I don't wanna tag along with her to dance class while SD clings to her like I'm the devil. I've told her before that I can't stand picking her up from school, but she had a talk with SD telling her not to be rude... that didn't help. I don't mind spending one on one time with SD occasionally, she's a wonderful child who I love with all my heart. But I need BM and DH to understand that this shit just is not fair to me. You'd think DH would understand, considering SD cries when he picks her up as well, anytime she has to leave BM's side.
Thanks in advance!
It's not unusual for a 4 year
It's not unusual for a 4 year old to favour one parent - this can go on for a few years after this - we were still getting this from SD16 when she was 9 or 10!
But it seems this isn't really the problem - its the dynamic between the four of you parents - with you feeling you are left out in the cold when the primary dynamic is SD and BM, or at least SD, BM and DH. BM probably loves this dynamic, as she is the central figure.
I think that if you decide to disengage, do it by stealth and not by making an announcement to your sensitive little flower DH. Just give BM excuses as to why you can't go and watch SD with her - and carry on giving excuses until she doesn't ask any more. Make yourself unavailable for school picking up - take an extra shift at work or something for a few weeks.
If you and DH were to decide to have your own child - you might find that SD would not be the epicentre of everyone's world any more - which to be honest - is not going to do the development of her personalilty much good anyway. THey are just raising a prima donna.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comfort and advice. I think you're right that I should do this without telling anyone. I've just been giving BM excuses for like a year now and she isn't catching on lol. I may need to do this forever :/ To answer your question about her attachment to BM, it has always been this way. There could be several reasons for this. For one, BM only works one job outside the home, so when she is home, she's doing fun activities with SD. And anytime BM is talking to another adult, SD does everything in her power to get her attention and BM gives into her. DH and I, on the other hand, each have jobs both outside and inside of the home. So while she's with us (although we don't neglect her), our attention isn't fully on her 100% of the time. For a couple of hours throughout the day, she's playing in her room or watching TV while we work, and then we'll usually do something fun as a family or work on her homework. I think a lot of it could just be that we bore her. That's just a theory, I don't know for sure.
I agree with CheriWilson and
I agree with CheriWilson and Alicemelinda. DH can't understand what your feeling. Transistioning to a aunt or big sister role could help you. Also realized kids go through "you're my favorite" stages all the time. My DS's favorite person was my mom for about 4 years. He'd be super upset if she wasn't able to come to his ball games or school programs. It didn't matter to him if I were there or not. Then it switched to me - he woudn't eat anything that I didn't cook. It was bittersweet. One part of me, liked that I was his favorite. But it was hard to see what it did to my mom - who was used to being his favorite. There is nothing wrong with distancing yourself from hurtful situations.
Would SD do better if DH picked her up and then dropped her off with you? If DH can't do it, look into carpool - have a classmates mom pick her up and drop her off with you.