Thinking of an Abortion....
I found out I'm pregnant about 2 weeks ago (We were using BC, but of course, it's not 100%). Upon finding out, I was terrified. My SO, on the other hand, was excited. We have custody of SD4 and he's been talking about having a baby but I've always put it off because I'm just not ready. I showed some of my worries and I could see how much it was hurting him, so I hushed up and tried to get excited. But I just can't. I'm 21, there's so much I want to do before having a child. I run a company that takes a lot of my time and wouldn't want to leave it for any amount of time. I just don't want to be a mom. And in some way, as much as I care for my SO, I've always felt it was a "temporary" relationship as I don't particularly enjoy being a stepparent. It's always been comforting to know I don't HAVE to stay - I am quite independent and very easily could afford to live alone.
I feel like at my age, I'm incredibly lucky to have a fantastic career and opportunities/financial ability to travel/do things I want to do. I know this is awful, but I am considering abortion because I'm just not ready.
I brought it up to SO and he said he wouldn't be okay with that. I don't feel like it's fair to make a choice he's not okay with, it's his child too. But he's not thinking it through... He has trouble affording SD4 as it is and we're both very busy.
I guess I just needed to vent, and possibly hear from others who have been in a similar situation. Is abortion difficult? Do you ever get over it?
I have not had an abortion. I
I have not had an abortion. I have 2 friends who each have had abortions. Both regreted it deeply, in fact, they've regretted it all their lives.
One was never able to have a child after that. Now that she's older, she speaks about this often. I suspect she obsesses over it some times.
I also know one woman who put a child up for adoption. She felt terrible also, searched for the child for 30 years, when she finally tracked her down on the other side of the country, her daughter would have nothing to do with her.
No moral judgement here, just what I've witnessed. For some women, these things are very hard to get over.
I imagine. I know it's going
I imagine. I know it's going to be difficult, but I also know it's going to be more difficult raising a child with someone I'm not 100% sure of when I'm not interested in being a parent :/ Just a very hard situation, I guess.
Yes it is difficult. And, no
Yes it is difficult. And, no you never get over it.
I wish you the best during this difficult time and hope you find peace in whatever decision you make.
Not true. When I was 20 and a
Not true.
When I was 20 and a junior in college, I got pregnant a few months after I started dating Asshat. I knew what having a child would mean, and I opted to have an abortion. Asshat agreed with me. We were not ready to be parents and we were both on paths that would make carrying and giving up a child for adoption highly impractical.
I "got over" it. I don't think about it anymore unless I read something like this post or I know someone who is struggling with their own decision.
It was the best thing I could have done. I have no regrets, none whatsoever.
ETA - Asshat and I married and had three kids together. Neither one of us regretted the decision we made when I was 20 and he was 22. Not for one second.
I don't think this is true
I don't think this is true for everyone. I got pregnant at 22 with my ex and we were not ready at all to have a baby. So I had an abortion, and it was the right decision for me. I cannot imagine having a child with my ex and having him still in my life after all this time (or most likely, having to chase a deadbeat and deal with him disappointing my kid - he was a total loser). It did take time to get over it, but I did, and I have zero regrets.
SO doesn't pay child support,
SO doesn't pay child support, he just has a low income and it's enough to cover SD4 and himself. I wouldn't want him taking on another child he can't afford. I'd feel awful because him and BM were supposed to raise SD4 together (financially and physically) but she bailed, so I'm trying to avoid putting him in the same situation.
SO doesn't pay child support,
SO doesn't pay child support, he just has a low income and it's enough to cover SD4 and himself. I wouldn't want him taking on another child he can't afford. I'd feel awful because him and BM were supposed to raise SD4 together (financially and physically) but she bailed, so I'm trying to avoid putting him in the same situation.
Fruit, I am pro a woman
Fruit, I am pro a woman deciding what she does with her body. Immense respect for you and how kind you've been sharing your experience.
Nobody but you can make this
Nobody but you can make this decision. Forget about what others want.
Only you can make this
Only you can make this decision. As tough as it is.
Do not base your decision on what other think or say. It's your life and you'll choose the path that is right for you.
Many hugs.
This is your life, your
This is your life, your choice. Only you can decide what is best for you. Hugs.
Make the right choice for
Make the right choice for YOURSELF.
Be careful when you ask this question on an Internet forum. You will get a lot of seriously anecdotal and biased opinions and replies.
It's your choice... On one
It's your choice...
On one hand, I loved having my early 20s child free, traveling, friends, eating out
And on the other, I now have kids, and I love them like crazy. I will say having my own kid beats having a step kid hands down any day... and no matter when you have kids, they're just so darn inconvenient. I don't think anyone is ever truly ready to have a baby, even if its "planned".
I had my first at 25, earlier than planned, but after I turned 30 -- totally infertile no reason or explanation, everything appears to work properly I could go and blow tens of thousands of dollars to attempt to have a test tube baby... But I'd rather have a nice retirement. So, anyway I promised myself I would let young women know, that if you do want kids someday, don't put it off too long, after 25 fertility declines, and it really takes a nosedive after 30, and the older you are, the higher risk for problems in pregnancy, as well as genetic abnormalities in baby.
After 31, the rates go down
After 31, the rates go down for IVF. I was 31 when I was first visiting doctors about my infertility. They don't put percentages before 31, at 34 they drop again, and every year after that. At least in the paperwork I was given at two different clinics.
If you ever want children, after my experience, I would encourage anyone who can support themselves alone (since you never know...) to go ahead start trying in your late 20's. You would have had time to live a bit, but are still young enough. It's touchy after age 30.
I consider my 3 after age 34 miracle babies. I want a fourth, but my body stopped cooperating at age 38. With fertility meds at 39 it's still not working. I have 3, so I'm not complaining. A bit sad, but over the moon with the ones I have.
As for abortion, I can't judge. It's a personal choice, with repercussions either way. I personally wouldn't ever, but I would not judge any person if they decide to do it. And I don't believe that not everybody regrets it. I have a friend who had 3 and was never able to have children after the fact. I don't agree with her past actions, but I'm not the one living with consequences. I know she didn't regret the first one. I can't imagine the damage to a child who was not wanted.
Wise words.
Wise words.
This is a very tough time.
This is a very tough time. Some people have regrets and some honestly have relief. I think you need to sit down with a medical professional or a crisis preg counsellor and hash out your options and your needs.
At the end of the day this is your life too and you want to make the best decision for you.
Hopefully you can come through this troubled time
If you choose to go to a
If you choose to go to a "crisis pregnancy counselor" make sure they are actually an impartial therapist and not a front for an anti-abortion group. In my area if you look up "pregnancy counselor" you will find listings that look like they are real counselors. In actuality every single one is an anti-abortion group that will tell you whatever they need to in order to get you to go through with the pregnancy.
I have a friend who was in a situation similar to yours several years ago. She chose to have an abortion. She does not regret it. She told me that she occasionally wonders what might have been - but knows that she made the best decision for herself at the time.
Listen to your heart and do what is best for you. Don't let anyone try and talk you into anything that is not right for you.
Agree, in fact, I would go so
Agree, in fact, I would go so far as to say any center that calls itself "crisis pregnancy" is a front for over zealous anti-abortionist groups who will stop at nothing to make you carry that baby.
How do I know? Because before I ended up at Planned Parenthood, I made the mistake of going to one of those "crisis pregnancy" centers in my college town.
It is up to you to decide.
It is up to you to decide. Not everyone wants to have children or are ready and that's ok.
I was 18 years old, still living at home and fell pregnant by a man 10 years older than me. He lied and said he was sterile...3.5 weeks later I knew that he wasn't. I also found out that he had just been in prison for drug dealing. Here I was, 18, living with my parents, working at a shoe store (full-time, but even so) and pregnant by a lying convict.
I had an abortion and I don't regret it. It was emotional, yes, but it was the best decision at the time. You have that right to make that decision. Talk to a counselor or support group. Make sure you don't feel like you're alone. Do what's best for you. Big hugs.
No judgement, this is a very
No judgement, this is a very difficult decision.
A trick I sometimes use: try and see yourself at age 40, looking back - which do you think will be the easiest decision to live with in retrospect?
The best of luck with whatever you decide xxx
My Freshman college year GF
My Freshman college year GF chose to terminate a pregnancy. When I found out we were pregnant I proposed. She accepted and she then chose to terminate the pregnancy.
I have no regrets about her decision. I do on very rare occassion consider that had she made a different choice that I would have a 30+ year old progeny. Still no regrets.
I was 19 at the time, she was 21. I was no where near ready, capable, or competent to be an effective father. We chose to end the engagement about 18mos after the I proposed. More accurately, I chose to end the engagement. We did not stay in touch. I tried to remain friendly but she was "not ready to be (your) friend". About 5 years later I returned to complete my engineering degree in that city and I did run in to her. I think my zest for life pissed her off a bit. She was not a particularly happy person when I reconnected with her half a decade after the end of the relationship. We never discussed the pregnancy.
Since then I have gone on to a fulfilling life, a long marriage to an amazing woman, and raised a young man of character and accomplishment as my own.
Either way you choose to go, do it with no regrets. We can only makde decisions with the information we have at the moment and from the perspective of the stage of life we are in at that time.
Embrace your life.
On the flip side of this issue my bride had my SS when she was 16. She did not seriously consider an abortion and my ILs were not supportive of that option. She chose to follow their advice and her own thoughts. Though it was a struggle she did complete HS with her class and with honors, graduated with a dual major BS with honors, an MBA with honors, and has had a successful career as a CPA.
Interestingly she does have regrets. Not about having our son but about who his BioDad is. She regrets the instability of his infant years, his not having a stable two birth parent family, and a close relationship with his paterenal extended family or her extended family for that matter. To make the life of opportunity for herself and her son that she wanted she chose to leave her home town and state.
I look at her life from the perspective that she should have no regrets. She has made a secure life for herself and her son, raised him to be a young man of character and accomplishment in spite of the shallow and polluted Sperm Clan end of his gene pool, accomplished many things herself, and is experiencing the world.
Either way you go, have no regrets, and embrace your life.
Good luck.
If you were in invested in
If you were in invested in spending the rest of your life with your SO then I say you should have the baby. My SS just turned 4 after I had BioBaby and it's a good age distance. They aren't so close that both require constant attention nor are they so far that they don't bond or have commonalities. The most positive is that next year is kindergarten so I get to spend BioBaby's toddling years solely focused on him like I did with SS4 when he was 1-3.
But you said that you feel your relationship with this man is temporary. That means you'll be sole provider whether it's because y'all have separated and he barely affords child support OR because y'all are together and all the support goes to his daughter. I was on the career path to be a teacher when I met SO, I still finished college but decided to stay at home while SS was too young for school. If you love your job, then don't give that up. You need to accept that if you get an abortion it will most likely end your relationship with your SO. So you need to be sure you're choosing your career instead of him and family. Tons of people would rather have babies in poor conditions than abort but then the child suffers from poverty most of its life and that's just as unfair as never giving a life a chance anyway but there is no wrong or right choice but only deciding what you can live with. Babies are a lot of work, commitment and responsibilities. They need dedication on your part but if you can't fathom giving up work for more than a week then it's just not your time to be a mother yet. Whatever you decided, don't let anyone make you feel guilty. You were taking birth control, you didn't want this to happen but it did and you have every right to do what's in your best interest.
My ex SIL was pregnant at 15
My ex SIL was pregnant at 15 and became an incredibly successful woman owning her own business making over 400 k a year . Granted she had family support . It's possible , but rare. Much luck to you .
That is exactly my thoughts.
That is exactly my thoughts. I would love to adopt out or have it and pass over to SO, but I know I simply can't do that. I would hate myself for being an uninvolved mother who gave up her child to someone else..
I am looking out for him, as
I am looking out for him, as well. He thinks in a very emotional way, he's not thinking things through. How many of us would date or marry someone with 2 kids from 2 different moms? If I see things as temporary now, a baby won't make us permanent, it will only make our relationship more difficult and probably break us up. That's not fair to him, either.
Very much so agreed. Although
Very much so agreed. Although I don't see it as murdering my child... I know many people do, but I'm more of a practical thinker vs. emotional thinker. At 6 weeks, I would be removing an embryo, not killing a baby.
I really appreciate your ability to give me honest options instead of guilt trips.
That is also something I've
That is also something I've thought heavily about. LadyFace, I always appreciate your feedback. I feel we have quite a similar way of thinking about situations. He doesn't think poverty should stop him from having more children. Likely because his parents had multiple kids without having the money. I am trying to lookout for him as well. IF we carry this pregnancy to term, I don't know how our relationship would last. He would end up alone with 2 kids from 2 different moms - and we all know it's not easy finding someone who will date/marry you when in a situation like that.
No absolutely not. I want my
No absolutely not. I want my child raised in the best possible financial state with virtually no worries about money. At the moment, I could afford a child without a problem. But I want to wait until I can afford the absolute best - the best house, car, everything. That's part of why I'm not ready. And I would not be comfortable accepting numerous half-siblings with crazy mothers, lol.
That is something I've
That is something I've thought heavily about. I think I would regret missing out on my life/business more than I would regret NOT having a child. The way I see it, even if I regret having an abortion, it's better than regretting having a child. It's hard to hide regret like that from a child.
No matter what choice you
No matter what choice you make, you are going to have a lot of emotions about this entire thing. Sometimes they will be contradictory and sometimes at the same time! Once you make your decision, however, do not look back. Just forward.
Good luck to you.
Thank you. It is not easy. As
Thank you. It is not easy. As I said, money is far from the issue. If that was the problem and I wanted the baby, I would find a way. Unfortunately, although affording a child isn't a problem, I simply do not want to be a mother. I don't think that's fair to any child.
Yep - there were protesters
Yep - there were protesters at the PP I went to as well.
Asshat did his best to shield me from them, but I did tell one of them to "get your f&*king out of my face, bitch" - lol.
I have never regretted my
I have never regretted my decision to have an abortion when I was in college. See my response above.
I am a huge proponent of women deciding what happens to their bodies. Nobody else has to physically endure what a pregnant woman endures. SHE should make the decision.
Just my opinion....
Had an abortion. No regrets
Had an abortion. No regrets whatsoever. The choice is 100% yours. Nothing to feel bad about either way.
I had an abortion at 22. I
I had an abortion at 22. I was in an on off relalatio ship and i did consider going through with it but ultimately realized the guy was not going to help and id instead be parenting with his mother sibce he was 26 and still living at home. I was in my own place and had a job but he was not someone i wabted to be tied to for 18 years.
We aborted and while i do not regret it. I do wonder about it. I had a pregnancy after at 24 and it was not viable and had an emergency termination at 20 weeks. I felt like i was being punished but it was not the case.
I had twins at 26 and i wouldnt have had them if i had not had the first abortion. My sweet twins wouldnt have ever came to me if i had the first child because i only ever wanted 1 child..i got 2 for one but that was just what happened lol
Wondering isnt the same as regret. I will always wonder about that first pregnancy but never have inregretted it.
It allowed me to wait until i was in a stable relationship to have children.
I still keep in touch with that guy and actually still continued to see him months after the abortion. Its been over 5 years and guess what? He still lives at home...still unemployed. Wonderful person but not an adult or parent material. Not that my childrens father is the best but hes more stable lol