Thoughts on Stepkid in therapy?
I feel the need to brief the situation on each new post but it's been since SS10 was 4yo that dh custody eow began and now since 2021 he's primarily with us due to his mother having her 5mt old pass on her care. When that happened SS and his siblings by bm, lived with her sister for 6mts without dh knowing. This was all corrected at the end of that summer and custody switched where 9mts later bm has weekends. Before ss moved in with us primarily he was suggested to have therapy due to his sibling passing. This was for his aunt to do but no one sent him.
The past 2 yrs he's lived with us I've been thinking he needs therapy bc its so much he's been thru and so much adjustment in a short period. He was 8yo back then and dh thought he's young and may not be ready for it with his age. Dh also works alot and was the only one with a vehicle. Dh recently got me a car and so now I can get him to weekly appts more consistently, and so I've signed him up last week to start this week.
Ss has also been abused by his mom mentally anf physically. He has alot of lingering affects from being raised by her primarily for the first 8yrs of his life. He's doing amazing in school but he's a bit impulsive and has a tendency to lie. He's hurt his brother and has manipulative tendencies also. Behavior has improved greatly but those issues still linger here and there and we are stupidly shocked when he goes backwards occasionally.
Well it's getting closer to the first appt and I'm beginning to this this may all be a waste of time. It's interesting how this past summer ss actually admitted he's been abused by his mom. He's opened up here n there with me bc im around both ss and ds8 majority of the time. Dh is more of the, how can I put it? The punisher? He takes my.word on any update I give on the boys and he acts accordingly like if ss has been disrespectful dh immediately punishes him for it. Of course I also do it when necessary but he's supportive of anything that goes off with the boys.
My main question is have any of you all taken a skid to therapy and more specifically of the male gender. I say this bc my stepsister went to therapy as a child few times and she tells me it's been helpful for her she's in therapy now as an adult as well and she really likes it. But I notice she's also a female and we like to talk. Ss and dh and even ds they're not big on talking. Most of the time it's like pulling teeth getting them to share things. Idk maybe I should try 2 or 3 sessions then come to this conclusion but when I told ss he seemed unenthused, like ...what is this torture I have to endure now? Lol he didn't say any of that but if he could I'm sure he would. That or roll his eyes. Dh is ready for him to go to a camp and I was the only one to stop this. I told ss this is the last step before a camp may be in mind. I told dh well he haven't tried therapy and he said sure but he's running out of options and patience with ss and his regressions. It's out of my hands of course after this but I just wonder has this been helpful to any going thru something similar?
My ss is in therapy
But he has a formal diagnosis of ADHD and autism. From your post it doesn't seem like there has been a formal diagnosis, but if your DH is on board, I don't see how it would hurt to get into a therapy.
the point is that your DH has to be on board though. We are after all just stepparents, and don't really have the rights to make this kind of medical decision.
i would also say this, even getting your ss into therapy might be a hit or miss. My ss has been into therapy for years and I don't see a damn thing change. I don't particularly like his current therapist either, even though she is a nice lady. I just hold my tongue and tell myself to trust the professionals. (Ss' first therapist however was life changing for him, taught him how to comminitcate) I do wish you the best to land a good therapist for your ss.
Good insight
Yes he's on board mainly first bc of the suggestion 2 yrs ago and now his age. Also we saw major changes in the past 2 years. I don't think he thinks he deeply needs it but he's saying this is the last hope before putting him in a camp to straighten him put.
Why did ss switch from the first therapist when they were doing good with him, if it's okay to share? He's scheduled for the first appt this week. He's not been diagnosed with anything since he's never been to any mental health professional before. Honestly it seems he may have adhd. Did you ever get info from.the sessions? Not sure at all how it works. Thanks for sharing.
The first therapist he got
The first therapist he got was in another state. DH moved and obviously it had to change. We also had to switch therapists due to insurance changes, and then the service provider did a restructure and ss had to do sub sessions for a while (after a long wait without any therapist), and finally landed on this current one. We don't really had a say in who will be ss' therapists, although I am sure we can request to change, just probably going to wait another long while.
when the kid was younger, we would get more updates from the therapy provider. Each provider is very different though. One of them strictly prevent us from talking directly to the therapists.
Ss is 16 now so unless there is any pressing issues we don't hear too much from the provider. Although since the sessions are done in the house and ss is super loud we can't really avoid overhearing the concersations...
Interesting
That is interesting that it's virtual. Makes sense with the 3yrs ago part. Okay that also make sense it was forced.
A bit off topic but with him being 16 how is he doing? It seems he's with you all primarily. Even tho the sessions haven't changed anything has him as a teen, not been as bad as once believed? I'm not gonna lie I'm a bit nervous of the teenage years lol
Well....autism + adhd+
Well....autism + adhd+ teenage isn't necessarily the best mix. There is a lot of talk backs and all that fun stuff. He wants to have more control of his life (of course) but at the same time he is like a 8 year old when it comes to daily self care.
the virtual session didn't really work well imo. The therapists kept telling us he's good enough to "graduate" but in reality he was reading comic books while in those sessions because we weren't sitting behind him and watching him.
Ss is with us 100% of the time so there is not so much break for me to let the anger calm before the next challenge comes.
I read that adhd kids tend to lie more (about all kinds of stuff some doesn't even make sense!), this is what drives me nuts. The teenage attitude is always annoying, I'm annoyed by my own who's also kinda a teen now too. I do believe that with a good therapist you will be able to navigate this more smoothly....you might have to lower your expectations tho lol
I can see this
I see qhat you're saying and I can already see this happening with ss10 as he talks back to me now. He's also a major influence on ds8. Things I tell ss to stop doing ds is doing the exact things just a fee days later. It's really becoming a nuisance.
This is all really good to know. I can see what to look forward to. And oh yes the nonsensical lies. Wow more and more it seems adhd is more apparent. We may need to firstly get him diagnosed like the comment below.
Oh my goodness 100%???? How long has it been 100%? I can see this happening with us with bm trajectory. She's lost primary and so the way she's going will only get her to lose it fully but yes the other side there's no "break". Right my expectations were high when I first signed up and over the past week reality sets in...this boy doesn't like to talk or really cooperate...or listen so why would I expect much of a difference suddenly now?
Well..DH has had full custody
Well..DH has had full custody of SS since I met him. But back then the mom at least saw her son 20% of the time, and we kinda got some breaks from the boy. Ever since Covid his mom just didn't give a f*ck to see her own son...and you know what..I understand why lol
I'm really counting the days he reaches 18. I don't know what will happen, but DH is very adamant that SS is not going to be living with us forever. I hope this is true. This boy truly is stressing everyone out.
Ikwym
He sounds like my dh. He is taking therapy as a last route at this point and he's moving him to a camp if there's not improvement. I understand
Autism + ADHD
My SS has a formal diagnosis of Autism + ADHD. He has been in private therapy for a little over 1 year. It isn't a magical fix for anything, but I do think its a net positive for him and those who are around him.
If I were in your shoes, I
If I were in your shoes, I would find a licensed, clinical psychologist in your area. A psychologist will be able to make proper diagnosis IF your ss needs it.
Proper diagnosis leads to treatment, right?
IMO, skip the social worker, LCSW route for now. Find a psychologist.
Then go from there.
Good point
Because he's young I'm not really into the meds route but there could be alternative treatments. I'm just now realizing you have a point. He may need to be diagnosed for adhd. This is the closest thing I see that may be affecting his behavior. Also his mother has diagnosed mental health issues so he very well could have them also.
Before ss moved in with us
This alone is reason for therapy now. I have no idea of the circumstances of the sibling passing, but kids can have beliefs, both true and misconceptions, of the event that can affect behavior. That SS has not spoken to you about this does not mean they are not there.
A good therapist can help SS.
The kid needs therapy
For two years, your not doing anything. therapy Can not hurt. Maybe he can work out some stuff. Maybe he needs medication.
'You doing nothing isn't going to really help.
Structure, accountability, standards of behavior,
and standard of performance.
Get therapy for the kid. Make sure the therapist clearly understands that they work for you and DH with the requirement that they deliver to your expectations regarding Skid improvements and therapy.
A quality therapist is worth their weight in gold. Sadly, they are also rare as so many are useless and decidedly lack in quality of performance. Even more fail to relaize that they work for us. As our paid resource, they must be held to deliver to the requirements of ... us. If they don't, fire them and test drive another. Over and over again until the service quality we expect is delivered.
DW and I have both benefited from great therapists in our lives. The therapist that I engaged for my XW and I ended up being my personal therapist after XW stormed out of her final couples session when the Doc informed us that after 7mos of couples therapy we would now work on the intimacy issues in our marriage. XW walked out as she stated "I do not have a problem with sex.". Nope, she was a serially adulterous cavern crotched skank whore. Her only issue with sex was within the context of marriage. She was riding every swinging Johnson she could gobble other than that of her DH. First when married to me, then when Grandpa Sugar/Babby daddy married her after their second OOWL spawn. She was knocked up with yet another cheat baby when her Geriatric Fortune 500 executive Sugar/Baby daddy kicked her out when she cheated on him and got knocked up by yet another cheat partner. Doc was my angel. She was intrumental in reconnecting me with the man I enjoyed being.
DW had a great therapist when she was struggling with leaving her last firm. Her therapist was able to get the message across in a way that I couldn't and no one else in DW's tribe could get DW to lock in on.
Take care of you, make sure the therapist you engage is of quality and delivers to the expectations that you and SO set.
Good luck.
Good points
Great perspective. I need therapy myself tbh but yes this is great way to put it. I do wanna keep things open with SS and make sure he's comfortable. He's not much of a talker so hoping we get a good one and he's honest and let's us know of their not. That's good to hear how it's helped you and your DW.