Tired of the lies
New to ST. I need to vent and get some advice. I’ve been with DW for 15 years and have been married for 11 of those years. It hasn’t been a fairytale relationship and has gotten worse over the last 2 years. I have been earnestly trying to improve my faults and shortcoming in our relationship during this time as DW’s disconnection, resentment and anger has grown. DW has plenty of justification in having these feelings and I figured I’d just be patient and things might get better. I would have like that because we have 4 children and putting them through a divorce isn’t something I wanted to put them through. My intuition tells me she is having an affair and that’s why she hasn’t been engaged in repairing our marriage and looking back over the years it isn’t the first time. In the past I had some pretty good circumstantial evidence of an affair and when DW was confronted she denied having an affair. In retrospection, I can see my intuition screaming at me that I was an idiot for believing her lies but I don’t think I wanted it to be true, so let it go. I recently found out she opened a secret bank account about a year ago, which too me says she’s preparing to leave. When I confronted her about the account she turned it back on me and said she can’t trust me and was afraid I was going to leave her with no income. I’m the sole financial provider but would never leave my family high and dry and she has always had control of the money throughout our marriage. There is constant lying and hiding that I could spend all day writing about. There is never any admission from DW even when caught red handed but I’ll give you one example. I work long days and when I get home I try and give my DW time away from the children. Last night She had an event to go to and my intuition was telling me something was up because of her body language and other tells, she left and was gone an hour and a half and came home in a great mood. When she left last night I had the ability to check to see if she went and she 100% didn’t attend. I didn’t instantly think she was doing something nefarious, so I figured maybe she just went for a walk or went somewhere else. Give people the benefit of the doubt right. She obviously didn’t know that I could check in on her so when she came home, she began lying right to my face. It blows me away how easily she does it too. I understand that pretty much everyone lies from time to time but her ability dumbfounds me. Your probably wondering If I confronted her and I didn’t. I know she will instantly get defensive come up with a lie and cover her tracks even more than she does. What should I do internet world? From past experience I know I would have to actually catch her in the act of having an affair which I don’t know if I can. She won’t let people have access to any of here devises like her tablet, so snooping is out of the question because they go everywhere with her. I’m sure you can understand that I want more evidence than what I have. I wish people who had affairs would just be honest and give their partner the ability to know where everything stands. Such a cowardly selfish act. Thanks for reading..
Why do you need more evidence?
Trust me, I get it. You want cold hard proof ... but why? You already know she is cheating and lying. What will proof do for you? If you’re not ready to leave now, proof will not push you to make that move.
I say this from experience. I knew my x was cheating. I drive myself insane trying to catch him and get solid proof. I spend months turning myself inside out to find concrete evidence of what I already knew. I was miserable but stayed...because I wanted proof. Guess what....I got it. I got the proof I wanted. He even confessed. And that confession is what haunted me for the longest time. I now had concrete details of what happened, when and the lame excuse as to why.
I didn’t leave. I stayed longer than I should have because I spent so much time trying to find proof that I didn’t spend time on myself. I wasn’t mentally prepared to leave. I eventually did. But not until after I was haunted and tortured by the details of the proof I got.
You already know what is happening. Will proof really make it better? Work On you and your kids. Make yourself a priority and you will stop allowing her to take advantage of you.
“But why” It’s because of the
“But why” It’s because of the repercussion and damage that it will cause our children. I didn’t go into my marriage and most don’t looking for loopholes but infidelity is a cause for divorce in my opinion. That being said, I have to know 100% before I upend my children’s life. Right now my intuition says she is cheating but there is plausible deniability. I appreciate your comments and will be thinking about them tonight.
Kids
are they your step kids? Is your wife cheating on you with her kids’ biodad?
Curiosity
I agree with you, it is impossible to be in a relationship where you have to excavate the truth. It’s exhausting and demoralizing.
On the other hand, what is it that you did to check if your wife was at the event? Would you bet your life that the information is 100% accurate?
I applaud you for taking
I applaud you for taking your marriage vows so seriously and not looking at uprooting your kids lives w/out full proof. And you're right sometimes 'love' isn't there in a lasting marriage...sometimes it comes and goes. The only thing you could do is perhaps a private investigator If she's only gone 1.5hrs and comes back in a great mood-my thought is it wouldn't take an investigator that many billing hours one way or the other.
Seperate question-if you confirm she IS....what is your plan? Do you think there is a chance to salvage the marriage still or that's your final "I'm out" because IMO neither answer comes w/out heartache/pain/hardwork, etc....and NO answer is good for 'all people'- you should do what YOU feel is best for YOUR family and not go by what ever else anybody advices you 'should' do. I say that because I've seen plenty of marriages repair after infidelity and go on to have a wonderful marriage. In the majority of cases- infidelity is the symptom but NOT the problem in itself. There are serial cheaters and that's entirely different. For some it's not a hard line automatic divorce (it's not for me for example)- things like abuse for example are.
I don't know what your blended status is- kids together or her kids your kids? And never act on ANYTHING w/out consulting an attorney to find out what the financial repercussions would be for you and yours. If you do divorce -then having good concrete proof of the affair (from investigator) will help. If you can't afford that-just think how much the divorce/CS/Alimony package would be....ask for help from the most trusted friend if you have to to cover the fees since she handles the finances.
I'm sorry you are going
I'm sorry you are going through this.
As Banana says. Think about what this means for you and your marriage. It's not a one size fits all. We all have deal breakers.
Divorce like marriage aren't decisions to be taken lightly.
But saving the marriage will require effort from the both of you.
Why not hire an investigator?
Why not hire an investigator?
I see how seriously you take your marriage -- that's admirable. If you want to be sure she's cheating without waiting for time to tell, hire someone to find out.
Time to invest in a PI and to
Time to invest in a PI and to get your ducks in a row. Get a good investigator who will find any of her past and current indiscretions. Prepare to conquer in a divorce.
My XW was a cavern crotched adulterous skank whore. So I get the struggles you are experiencing in dealing with your wife and her dalliances.
Hopefully the PI will determine that your DW has not and is not cheating. However, forewarned is forearmed. I would also suggest that you recover any finances that she has been squirreling away and include a full financial investigation of DW with your private investigator efforts.
Do not let her or yourself guilt you into sacrificing yourself, your finances, or your kids out of some sense of guild over your DW's cheating.
Good luck. Take care of you. Take care of your kids. Write DW off completely if she is cheating.
I would.